Maturity

I wrote this some time ago. I've edited it only slightly, leaving out all the continuing internal changes within me that have occurred since. Still, the bulk of these words hold true.

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It’s easy to be a little or a lot defensive about getting older because increasing age bubbles up any combination of real or imagined insecurities,vulnerabilities, reductions in dreams, agility, or power. These things may be true or not—I really can’t tell you yet. Currently I’m into unknown and unsteady ground after a few medical breakdowns like I’ve never had before and a soft but definite edge that makes me aware of my age. In the last year I’ve noticed that I sometimes feel less comfortable around 30 year olds than 60 year olds, but that’s not entirely true either. I also notice that in general I tend to feel more myself, less likely to jump at offense, and more hopeful and earnest about my plans and life ahead.
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When I was 30, I believed I could achieve anything—anything—I wanted, short of a career in brain surgery. Then I had not yet had my heart truly broken apart, or fully known what it means to love a daughter so much you would chase a bullet down for her. I had not witnessed my precious business rising and falling and rising again, leaving me with special skills and certain experience that has served me well every day of my life. Then my energy and confidence pushed my creavity and drive. I was prominent in my field, charmingly likeable, and I combined that with articulate passion and practiced humility that kept me at the top of my game. My game? Odd language for a congruent life, but I didn’t know that.
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Then I also drank too much and didn’t know when I was or wasn’t truly present. Not like I know now. Today, if I sit across from you, I will make a full effort to be with you 100%. And if I don’t have that to give, I will more often than not elect to simply do what I can do, not trying to fool you into believing otherwise, accepting that about myself instead of judging or feeling deficit.
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For large chunks of my life, I’ve been ambivalent. When you’re not sure where you want to head, or are heading, or whether you even deserve to head anywhere, you can fall short simply because you don’t know what better or best is. By most standards I have been very fortunate. In life and in work, I’ve been treated by others with kindness and high regard. My opinion has usually mattered, and I’ve been able to operate as a maverick and innovator in some very stoggy environments.
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I’ve worked hard at being a good parent, rarely failing to point out that flowers can dance, money skills are underrated, and honesty and tears make you stronger in the broken places (thank you Ernest Hemingway). I look at my daughter and think about the son she will raise and I am 100% confident that these are people who will heal, not hurt, the world they live in.
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I know it means something to be older, but I can’t tell you what. I don’t like thinking I will only have 30 or so springs left—if I’m lucky—and I don’t like feeling like a physical train wreck recovering from back surgery. But---I know I’m a pretty good person. Honest to God. When I find myself judging anything or everything, I wonder if I’m falling short, but when I’m just here with my hopes and home, I see that I’m choosing kindness, trying to write, and avoiding confrontation so much more than ever before. I’m trusting in every way that I’ll be ok, and I’m balancing some time to stop and do whatever in the hope of resurfacing replenished, fresh, open. .

There are people of all ages in my life and I like that. My friends tend to be abit younger than I but still beginning the second half of life. Jessica is 29 and jb and I really like when we spend time with her friends. They seem to have the same genuine interest in us that we have in them. And some of the incredible writers and artists I’ve worked with, and talents and folks on the blogs are in their late 20’s/early 30’s . I don’t communicate with the same swagger I would if I were closer to their age. I don’t know if that’s because it’s not who I am now, or if it’s because they do not accord me the same status. In Oprah last month—the only time I have read her magazine in probably 5 years, someone said “When you’re young you learn. When you’re older, you understand”. I understand that….

I am secure ways that eluded me in my 20’s, 30’s and 40’s. . I don’t have a lot of friends: one uniquely special soulmate and maybe 4 or 5 others that I would/could/hope I would/could turn to if/when it all fell apart. But the friends I have I trust. I have jb. And I have Jess. I’ve learned to love beyond my ego’s pushiness. I don’t see myself ever purposely or consciously doing anything that would hurt someone else, often I don’t struggle to put myself first, and I’m amazed at how easy that choice has become. I’m a better person for it.. The more practice I get at being kind, the more I’m learning how to live with less effort and more zeal.

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My thoughts today: "Not bad for a woman still quietly confused, still overtaken by love, and still showing up".