Rear Ended

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Along with Bartholomew Pepperspots, my dog Rosie was unexpectedly chosen to grace the cover of the 1994 Great Dogs Calendar. These debonair springers were also Mr. and Ms. October. I wrung a lot of mileage out of walking into Borders Bookstores and seeing my wonderful dog looking back at me.

It was about then that I began wishing that someone would include Rosie's tail-less rear in another calendar. I would watch her hop and scoot and bounce along in front of me, like the fastest rabbit, and I would think, "I love her behind!" Is it wrong to think that way? :^)

So here years later, fresh from the Santa Barbara zoo with my friend lori, who just grinned at my temporary preoccupation with the rear end of things, is my abbreviated version of that thought, although there are no dogs in it.

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Here they are: the asses of assorted animals. AAA. .

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Really I hope there is some educational value in these photos, even though I don't know what that may be. :^)

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(turtles: a bit of a stretch, but where is the rear of an oval, anyway?)

and finally, compliments of Emily Rabbit,

who is being paid $3 for this photo,

it's a front view of a rear end,

but if you look you'll see it.

love

kj

Sunshine and Buffy's Great Adventure

to spend time with a (not so) near and (so very) dear friend: I am short on words and long on true blue love.

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this was the first time lori and i 'met' in person, but not the first time we laughed and cemented the hands of friendship. I am most fortunate to be her friend.

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lori was the most gracious and best human being, hostess, tour guide, companion, and friend anyone could ever hope for. I was sad to say goodbye.

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And Chuck and Owen and Kimberly: thank you so much: a total pleasure.

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The following is copied (okay, stolen) from Lori's blog but of course I had to add my two cents:

we had fun times ten! (times a thousand). there were visits to stearns wharf in santa barbara (the most beautiful and serene views), the zoo (did you know certain monkeys have blue balls? forgive me for being graphic, but OMG!), the mission, summerland beach cafe, cafe luna, the corktree cellars (we are both very skilled at eating, drinking, talking, giggling, and snapping photos of eachother and everything around us simultaneously). we went to the seal rookery (stunning) and beautiful nursery's and garden's (how many--3? 4?), we ate hotdogs at the hotdog cart (and sat on our very own kindness rock, aha ha ha buffy) and rode the kiddie train at the zoo (we were the only adults not accompanied by kids). we dined on enchilada's and lobster macaroni and cheese (not together!) (with chuck, who is a fantastic wonderful guy). we spent a blissful hour at summerland's sacred spaces (very sacred and very special, sf) where the gift of this shawl came from). we went to the beach, the marsh, and up the foothills (for the views) (we went everywhere!). and we talked, laughed and talked some more. (hahahahahahahahahahaha) it was a good good (good good good) time. isn't blogging wonderful we kept saying?

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thank you, lori graham, my friend. Until next time,

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love

kj

Leaving on a Jet Plane

I'm taking a lovely short vacation and besides for my colored pencils and camera, I'm packing a heavy heart.
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My Mom is sick. She has not recovered from her fall and broken arm and she has been mostly sleeping and not eating for several days now. The staff at her extraordinary rest home gave me a new message yesterday: it was delivered softly, without panic or projection, but I knew that I was being told that my Mom's body and heart are tired.
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My Mother's green eyes light up when she sees me. I visit her several times a week and every time and every fall and every hospital stay I am there to assure her we--we--will be alright. She trusts me and I love her.
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JB and I will board a plane tomorrow and head for Colorado, where her sister and brother-in-law will treat us to Mexican food almost the orgasmic equivalent of my favorite Mr. Sushi (but only almost).
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Then, on Saturday, I will fly to the west coast and I will be unable to contain my utter complete joy and astonishment to spend time with a friend I have come to enjoy, respect, adore, trust, and love like a long lost sister. We are both private and I don't know what or how we will share here our mutual giddy excitement and adventures, but I know I will be spending time and talking non stop with someone who understands and embraces the ups and downs of loving and living. What a gift that is.
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I can't say I am not conflicted about getting on that plane tomorrow. I am assured by the nursing staff at the rest home that my Mom will be alright while I am gone. They encouraged me to go. I know she is in the most caring loving hands.
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I am going to enjoy my time away. That is what I am going to do. There is no value in second guessing and guilt has nothing to contribute, not to me, not to my Mom.
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Then, when I come home, I will return, renew and reaffirm my forever commitment to my Mother. We will be alright. She trusts me and I love her. That's all we need.
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Love
kj

addendum: I should add: my 95 year old Mother has bounced back many times. She may well bounce back now too. I can almost hear her telling me she's too happy with her life to be going anywhere any time soon....

Mish Mash: A Weekend in Words

It was a glitzy fun weekend and I forgot my camera.

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That was unfortunate.

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This weekend my son-in-law Mike hosted a glamorous bowl-a-thon (hee, can glamorous and bowling possibly go together?) to raise money for Boston's Children's Hospital, who is sponsoring him in his first ever 26 mile run in the Boston Marathon in April.

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Let me get the ugly truth out of the way: I bowled a 65. That included at least two frames of zero pins knocked down and ten frames of slamming the ball so hard on the alley I'm pretty sure my teammates were just thankful I didn't crack the alley in two and get us all kicked out.

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The event was held in Boston at a bowling alley part nightclub that spanned three floors and was super cool and super classy. (where was my camera?) Beforehand JB & I got to spend some great time with Mr. Ryan and no-longer-baby Drew; then we beamed watching Mike so competently handle this big event; we loved meeting his and our daughter Jess's friends; we were tickled that JB's art and the donated art of several of my blog friends (Lo, Lori, Pam, Marianne, in spirit Mim) was very much appreciated and contributed to a good cause.

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It had been a hard long difficult week. Really I'd had a week from hell, and I don't say that very often. It was good to get away and good to laugh. Such as:

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Mr. Ryan proudly announced that had just learned about George Washington and Hammerhead Lincoln.

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Ryan, haha, do you mean Abraham Lincoln?

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Yes, he corrected himself, Hammerham Lincoln.

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And not even ten minutes later, he pointed to his chest and said, 'Look, I have nibbles.'

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And today, thrilled to be at my beloved Mr. Sushi's for lunch, I emailed my friend Lo to tell her I was at Mr. Sushi having an organism. Leave it to my Iphone to guess at the O word incorrectly.

And finally, this morning JB and I were checking out of our hotel and the hotel manager approached us.

"I was watching you two at breakfast,'' he said. "Are you twin sisters?"

This was not the first time people have thought JB and I are sisters. But twins!

"No," I said, "We are partners. We've been together 25 years. But I'm getting worried. You know how some people start to look like their dogs?"

"No," he smiled. "You both look great. Even your jewelry is great."

"Well, we are kind of cool," I said.

We all laughed. But oh dear God. From the looks of it JB and I are going to walk arm in arm looking like a pair of elderly old maid sisters one of these days. Maybe even now. This does not bode well for my aspiring babe goal. And since when have we looked alike anyway? Not... :^)

Here's my final thought: If I can laugh because my grandson has nibbles and knows about Hammerhead Lincoln, if I can bowl completely pathetically and live to tell about it; if I can hang out in nightclub bowling alley so totally proud of these two adult children I love so much; if I can have an organism eating sushi; and if I resemble my attractive fashionable partner, well, things can't be that bad, right?

Ask me how I'm doing in a couple of days. Because please god, I'm ready for a new and better week all the way around. And not just for myself....

love kj

Animal Wednesday: Good Advice from Emily Rabbit for Hard Days

Photo stolen but I don't know from who

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Hello everyone, it’s me, Emily!
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Where have I been? I’m not telling except I will say that I got suspended from school for sticking gum under my desk and then falling on the floor and kicking and crying when Mr. O’hare told me this was the 50th time he had told me not to do that and he was going to call my Mother and it was not my fault when I accidentally kicked Mr. O’Hare’s leg and he got so upset his glasses fell off and fell to the floor and it also wasn’t my fault that I was too busy crying and kicking to see that I rolled over his glasses and they broke and then when he sent me to the office I was so upset I knocked over two plants and they fell on the principal’s appointment book (it was not even my fault she had just watered those plants and the water got everything wet) and when she started yelling it made me cry and kick even more because really, who wouldn’t in a situation like that when everything is going wrong especially when it’s not even your fault?
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Anyway, I thought I would tell you what to do when too many things happen all at once and you get blamed or punished and then you start feeling bad or sad when you really should be feeling glad because everyone knows that life is too short to let things get out of hand and feel bad when feeling glad is better for not just yourself but for everyone else too?
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1. throw throw throw: I myself throw frozen peas and when I’m REALLY upset I might throw frozen brussels sprouts but either way give something a good slam and it will help you feel better. Some people hit tennis or racquet balls and kj likes to throw rocks in a pond. kj says you can even throw out old food from the refrigerator or clean the garage and that probably will help just as much.
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2. Keep talking: why keep everything inside if saying something will help you get it out and maybe even you will get good attention? Okay, this didn’t help me too much because I still got punished for breaking things at school but I still felt better having my say about it (especially about the mean principal) and even though I had to write an essay apologizing I wrote 20 pages before I said the 'I'm sorry' part and on page 13 I snuck in that I thought the principal was a crybaby.
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3. Wait an hour or a day: things can get better fast. Why worry when it’s possible that your problem is going to either correct itself or not look so bad if you can just wait it out? (You can always eat jelly beans while you're waiting)
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4. Never underestimate the benefit of a good whine: (even if it’s just to yourself.) (I don't mean a good 'wine' because rabbits don't drink wine). Being brave and nice all the time is too hard and not the smartest, don’t you think so?
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5. Take out your jelly bean collection and admire how nice it is. It always helps to enjoy something that make you happy. When I look at all the colors of my jelly beans, I immediately forget my problems especially the ones that are not even my fault and instead I nibble or notice how luscious my jellies are. That's what you should do too.

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There. I hope that you have missed me and I will try to write more often from now on but I haven’t written not just because I got in trouble at school but because I have been busy getting in trouble other places too and even though trouble be bothersome to some, I am having a very good time not being good and I may even get paid for some of it but that is a story for another time which is not now.
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Sincerely Yours

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Emily V.V. Rabbit

The Metaphor of Rootbound

He (she) that lies on the ground cannot fall.

(Yiddish Proverb)

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I had to use scissors to free the roots. For too long the plant had been forced to make do in a pot far too small until today, when finally it was given the means and the dignity to grow and expand again.

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It was about time. The plant entered my house auspiciously several years ago and for some time it flowered and prospered. But as time passed and sunlight dimmed, I forced it to be its former self even when I knew it needed a new space and a new life.

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Every living thing needs roots: they ground us, hold us firm in high winds, mark where we belong.

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But sometimes through choice or fate they become so tight and tangled that it is no longer healthy to stay planted.

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Sometimes they need a wider space, and sometimes they need wings.

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It's not easy to pick up the scissors and snip away. It's not easy to trust that untested wings will fly.

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But...

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Staying potbound can be fatal if you wait too long.

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Today I snipped some roots that were long overdue.

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I added new soil and more room.

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It's almost spring time here.

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Time for new growth.

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Time for replanting and replenishing.

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Time for more sunlight.

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Time a healthy boost of fertilizer.

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Untangling roots can be messy, that's for sure, but I'm here to say it's worth the effort.

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In fact, the plant has been whispering thank you all day.

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love

kj

A Day in the Life: My Work

The good work circle is the exclusive work of ms kj.

Please do not use without my permission

which I will probably grant

if you ask me.

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I had a tough day.

On Tuesdays and Thursdays I usually schedule eight clients. If you don't know, I am a psychotherapist these days and unlike most psychotherapists, I do what's called outreach therapy, meaning I see most of my clients not in the clinic but in their homes or communities.

I love Thursdays because I don't work on Fridays or Mondays, so once I'm done for the day, I'm free for a long weekend. (I know, lucky me.) (But don't forget, I'm old.) :^)

I never like getting up and out the door, but with few exceptions once I'm in my car I'm good to go and happy about it.

It's a varied job, driving from one neighborhood to another, to third floor apartments and public housing and substandard schools and one or two vibrant schools and drab child protection offices.

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And my clients are varied: single mothers; troubled families; children from 5 to 19 often with trauma, neglect, abandonment; alcholic men; parentified teens (that means they've had to mother their parent(s) from a very early age).

Mostly always interesting and challenging. Today was tough. A recap:

9:15 She is involved with a new guy. He is sensitive to her sexual needs and that is new for her, but they have never been out and about together. She wants to go to a movie or out to dinner but he says he doesn't have time. He has been 'stopping by' for a quick hour or two once a week and it's in and out. She hasn't figured out that she can state her needs and want and hope and wait to see if he cares about that.

10:00 I see L. at school and she is not there when I arrive. She is a seventh grader who should be in 9th and really a wonderful though impulsive kid. That impulsivity will clearly get her in trouble with teachers and now boys so we are working on how to think instead of act and the fact that consequences aren't a one shot deal. I tell her that consequences have babies and every so often I ask her to state what that means. (She does it and laughs).

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10: 15 I call the hospital clinician and talk about S's discharge last Friday. S is 15 and I am not comfortable saying much about her except it's a critical time. I've known S since she was 12 and back then we started with (my) three rules for success and college: no drugs, no gangs, no babies. Now at 15 the challenge is on, and it's totally crazily not easy.
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10:3o I call a social worker I've come like and reluctantly tell him that I think X's placement with his father is not working. X is 7 in first grade and since his mother abandoned him and his younger sister and brother, he has lived in 4 foster homes and gone to 4 schools. Plus the current two different places with his father. In every case there has been a mother figure who has not liked him, some have been strict and mean with him. I'm recommending that he be placed in a residential program that will offer him stability and security. Not fair: there is probably no state money to fund that and no program with loving parents.

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11:00 Supervision with J: She thinks like I do but she is better clinically trained and more experienced. I make up for some of that with my case management background (I can find needed resources most of the time and I know how to pull teams together). Plus I don't give up easily. And I'm a good listener. I start where people are.

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J tells me I cannot see Z until her insurance is reinstated. I argue that I'm told that's been taken care of and I'm willing to eat the time if seeing her won't be covered. Also that 19 year old Z is alone in the world, and has worked hard to trust me. J doesn't budge. I have to call Z and the school and her case manager and say I can't see her until the insurance is straightened out.
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J also tells me that I am behind on several pieces of paperwork and I feel abit vulnerable. I am usually on top of that and there is really no reason to complain about me, but still, she tells me I have to take care of this and I know I do.

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I am back in my car and I get a text from 22 year old T. "This mite be the last visit kj cuz L ask me if I see stuff improving or working and I said no I dont see nuttn workn I told her I jus dont wana see anybody anymore." My heart sinks. I never saw this coming. I've only been seeing T for a few months but I've felt like she is benefiting and really doing better.

She is firing me...

12:00 I am able to have lunch at the Red Rose Restaurant. I love that. I order an appetizer size eggplant rotellini along with a small salad and my very favorite homemade Italian bread. I eat alone and putter at the table, happy for an unusual break.

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I have seen only one client so far. Not good at all. I shoot for 8 and will be happy with 6. I plan for an average of one cancellation a day. (for both good and poor reasons: no transportation, no money for busfare, other appointments, no experience being reliable)
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1:oo I was supposed to see Z at school, but instead I'm making phonecalls, returning phonecalls. I'm actually glad I have the time.
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2:00 She is 48 and he is 45. They are king and queen living on second floor and running the show of a house they rent with cousins and nieces and brothers living downstairs and filling the rooms, along with their 11 year old son (also my client) and 8 year old daughter. We are working on a behavioral sticker.reward plan for their son which reinforces certain goals (no laying hands on other kids, no mean words to Mother). I teach them time out techniques today. I tell them I can help for sure but only if they can agree to a no yell, no hit household for one year. I am surprised they nod and listen as I explain: no one yells. No one. It's not that people won't get angry, but they will express that anger differently, not by yelling. J helped me come up with this. It will be a challenge. We might pull it off. I will be tickled if we do.

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3:00 I sit at a kitchen table with S's guardians, a married couple. No details shared here either, but my colleague who is a therapist for S's sister and I are working together with the family piece of all this, and she is wonderful. I like her more and more every time. She is half my age and she thinks she's learning so much from me. I don't think she believes that I am learning just as much from her.

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4:00 I've seen M for two plus years and now at her request her 6 year daughter is my client too. No details here either, but the whole family has major problems and everyone-- mother, father, older sister, needs to be involved if I am to help. I am shocked that father agrees. He can look pretty scary. I've seen him scare the hell out of the kids. This is going to be very interesting.

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5:00 I see T and her almost 4 year old daughter in their public housing apartment. She is rethinking firing me. T is Hispanic and a single mother. She has a problem with some learning and has taken the GED several times with great effort and great disappointment. I like her. We talk, I tell her I don't agree with her stopping therapy. I more than hint that she has hurt my feelings because I am surprised she would just walk away like that. We talk about her walking away from things in general. I didn't know this about her. She and her little girl like me, are comfortable with me. We are back in business--her decision.

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I'm done. I count my hours. Five hours plus a couple of 15 minute consults. I get paid by the client hour. This is lower than I normally achieve, and yet it's been a very intense day.

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I like this job. Believe me, it is hard. I have learned how to do what I can, to know that I can't move the mountains that if only they could be moved. I have much more to learn and learning is good for me. It keeps me interested and interesting. And dammit, this is like a little laboratory for me. I'm dealing with poverty and class and race and children. I want and am committed to seeing what I can do. My efforts are most of the time appreciated.
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Lest I leave the impression that the work I do these days is any more important than any other work, I will close with my favorite tidbit about work:

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It's not WHAT you do but HOW you do it

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love kj

Remembering Renee

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She died just a year ago and her voice is as strong as ever.

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The first time I ever heard of Renee I had read a comment she left on Studio Lolo’s blog and I found it strange that she signed it, “Love Renee." That sounds very funny to say now, but at the time it was more uncommon than not to be tossing“I love you’s over the blogs. That is one of her legacies: it was Renee who paved the way to fall in love with one another from afar and for real.
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Once I asked Renee how she managed to reach out and connect so deeply with so many people, how it was that so many considered her a most intimate friend?
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Renee: About being friends (best) with all, that is probably true, as you see I love all of my friends and when I am with each one, and I know this is weird, but they are the only people for me at that particular moment. And when I am with the next friend, then they are the only person for me as I give each person my full attention. I love everyone, to be honest. Please don't tell anyone right now, but Angelique just had a baby boy yesterday. So my wee Josephine has a little brother and I have a new grandson. His name is Dominic. So my two grandchildren are Josephine (2) and Dominic just born. I am over the moon and going crazy. Love you darling friend. And kj I want you to know that I think you are an incredible person. I just don't think that you know how really incredible and loved you are. Love Renee xoxox
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Renee was also a real-deal barrel of fun. She loved admitting she couldn’t even cut lettuce, she had no concerns about her weight or gray hair; she did not strive to be anywhere near a perfect wife; and she never held back her two cents on anything. She said ‘fuck’ like a prayer and when she said ‘holy shit’ you knew it was a compliment of high order.
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And didn’t I love ‘knowing’ her family. So many of us walked through their tragedy with them. I always felt especially close to Jacquie, probably because I am a Mother too and I so understood her loss of her son Sheldon. Now I root for Angelique and for Nadeline and Nathan and for Wahid, Renee's husband, every day. I pray Renee will hold them dear and visit them in their dreams and through dancing flowers at sunbreak.

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Renee: kj I love your comments regarding Jacquie. Jacquie is really the most amazing person and I could totally see you and her being the best of friends. You would fit in with all my sisters and we would spoil and love you to bits

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Renee loved to say she was selfish but that was nothing but comical. She loved her family more than anything and she was remarkably content with her life. Renee read my novel, in which a woman with a terminal illness painfully leaves her family to be with her soulmate, and she had this to say:
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So much fun. Congratulations Ms. Author. I was going to say about the cancer experience in the story and mine. I believe that your story is very true for many people. Almost all of my friends could have been like that. For so many they see a way to change and get what they want and have needed all their lives. For me it is so different, because I have always had what I want. I have always seen the birds sing and have stated my truth.Does that make sense to you?
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To me the most remarkable thing about Renee was her natural ability to zero in on exactly what was needed the most. She combined reality and fantasy in the most incredible way, and in every instance she made you feel worthy, whole, wonderful. With some of her blog friends, she flew the sky with them, with one she relaxed with her at a imagined cabin on the lake. She was my moon sister, Lo’s raven sister, Pattee’s gypsy sister, Sonia’s wise muse, Bella’s playmate, a neighbor on Blogland Lane. She was both the student and the teacher with Allegra. She sprinkled her passion and love and wisdom everywhere, and she never failed to reach the heart of it all.

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I met Renee at a difficult time in my life. A relationship I had trusted had inreparably broken apart and the aftermath was sharp and often cruel. This was someone who was also a friend of Renee's and who would occasionally leave a barb aimed at me on Renee’s blog. Renee knew how to tactfully and clearly handle even that:
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Renee: Why didn't I publish the comment? The same reason I haven't published many other comments by many other people. And why the very person you are speaking of I haven't published at least five comments and that is because they are direct confrontations to other people who read my blog. My blog is not for confrontation it is for my children. If someone makes a comment I put it down, if someone says the other person's name or refers directly to what they say and disagrees with what that person has said then they need to go to that persons blog, not mine. In other words if you said something about me and I didn't like it, I would go to your blog and say 'what's the problem.' I know that is too simple a solution in this case. But really and truly that is not what my blog will ever be about. And to be honest when I read comments like that I just shake my head in disbelief and love that other people get to read it because then they too can see how ridiculous it really is.
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Renee was steadfast that her blog was written for her family. At first she did not expect all the joy that she got out of it for herself, a joy that she described to me as her "lovely three pack a day habit." Make no mistake: the last year of Renee’s life was enriched and exalted by her blog friendships.

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I am one of all of Renee’s friends who got more than they gave. She went out of her way to keep me moving forward, to comfort me, even at her sickest. The first time she phoned me, which came after a comment I left about preferring actual contact to written words, she would not let us talk about her. She was stubborn that way. She kept coming back to me, picking up on my reminding me that my heart would be okay, and she refused to let me blame myself. "It's on her, not on you, kj." I will never forget that. There was no judgement: she just said it as a fact. I still remember that in moments when I need to . And later:

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Renee: kj, when your heart reminds you that you have good reason to be sad I also hope it reminds you that you have good reasons to be happy.

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Who had more credibility to say such a thing than Renee Khan, an incredible wife and mother and grandmother and sister and close friend to many and now a Senior Angel to all?
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I loved how Renee complained. She bitched without apology. : “Those fucking bats,” she’d say about the horrible pain of cancer. But she did not dwell in self pity or regret. She was too busy living, even when the living included horrible pain.
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The last time I heard from Renee, Lo and I had sent her flowers in honor of her mother’s passing. The flowers arrived on the day Renee reluctantly entered the hospital, where she would be treated for her pain until finally, the angels came for her and escorted her home, to the days beyond days.
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Renee emailed me.
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The flowers kj. They have made my day. I will use that florist from now on as they are truly beautiful. I will try to call you if this pain subsides. Love Renee xoxo
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What I would give to hear her animated voice. To find her comment on my blog. I love you darling, she would say.

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Yes, yes, Renee dearest darling friend. I love you too. I love you to the moon and back.

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Love
kj
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