Home Again: Day One of Staying Calm

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Want to hear something wonderful about blogging?

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How about meeting the most wonderful woman and her son in person for the first time, friends holding and joining hands from across the ocean to place a token of friendship amidst the stones and shells in a little spot under a deck on Cape Cod?

Aw Marianne, I still can't get over it. Aw Lo, thanks for making it happen. Aw JB, thanks for everything. Aw, Felix, ♥

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JB and I left Provincetown yesterday. This was my last view of Commercial Street, walking to breakfast. I am determined to keep the shimmer of the water in my mind, to be able to call it up when I need to tone things down. I am experimenting this week, remember, wanting to hold on as much as I can to my vacation style way of living and moving through my day.
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I won't see the dunes again until late next Spring. I have returned to my home in a college town surrounded by other several other college towns but all of that surrounded by farms, plenty of farms. This is Western Massachusetts where today, my first day here in almost a month, I bought fresh corn and just picked sweet strawberries at the farm stand.

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This is what I woke up to this morning: snowballs just outside my bedroom window. It is not the ocean, I don't feel the breezes, my bedroom here is not white and spacious and airy like it is in Provincetown, but oh these flowers. They were the first thing I saw when I woke up and thank God, because I didn't sleep as well without my ocean breeze. Mim said being near the water heals and I know she is right. I'm sure this is true of the breezes too. My bedroom here is going to be an adjustment. (Just a fact....) :)

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We have tomatoes in the garden. Plenty of them, and they are lushly red.

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I look to the porch and I see Stella's cookie in the middle of the futon. I think if Stella can mark her spot then I can too. I don't want my life to be difficult because I am unable to settle down, or because I am clueness about how to pursue the details in the way I choose, or because I am unwilling to stick my neck out to recognize and appreciate and participate. I got myself cracked open in the recent past and I got hurt in the process. Healing is still an effort, but I know I getting closer to dancing with abandon. I know I want to love deeply, even still, and I want to laugh my ass off.

And I want to be an improving writer.

And I want to have fun.

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I have several things going for me. For one, I have happy zinnias. This morning I am setting up the French Press for my beloved Peet's Major Dickinson coffee and the zinnias are waving to me outside my kitchen window. I can hear the g.d. bulldozers and trucks digging up the street outside, a mess of a road project I didn't support and don't like one bit. But I'm doing my best to ignore that because I prefer to wave back at the zinnias.

My first day back from vacation and I have bills to pay, chores to do, calls to make, tomorrow's work to organize. I want to keep it simple but the car is stacked with about 20 bags of coffee makers and gifts and clothes and pillows that first must move from the car the kitchen floor. Lucky for me that JB gets us focused tonight and we empty each bag, put things away. I have managed to effectively tackle about 65-70% of what is mine. That is progress for me.

So how did I do today in my experiment (and desire) to stay calm? Not bad. It's not easy to overlook the bulldozer digging up my street or my tendency to feel overwhelmed when I have more than two things that have to be done. But I'm still aware all that is small stuff. The big stuff is I want to competently and comfortably handle the demands and moments and opportunities in front of me, one at a time. I want to do it that way as often as I can.

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I'm no saint, and nobody complains better than I do, but I want to love and laugh and appreciate whenever and where ever I can. If that sounds corny, I don't care. I think not caring is a very good sign.

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I'd give today a B. That is a good grade considering I had to unpack.

Love

kj

Staying Calm

The trick to juggling is determining

which balls are made of rubber and

which ones are made of glass.

Anonymous

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This is my day today:

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8-10 am.....Walk with Stella, have breakfast. Read, talk with JB.

10-12.....Write

12 ....Lunch

1-2 ....Write/Blog

2-4 .....Beach

6:30 pm ....Dinner at Northern Italian/Seafood favorite

8:00 ....Stop my friend’s gallery, hug, talk up a storm

10:00.....Walk Stella

10:30 pm.....Here I am
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I will have one more today tomorrow, but it will be colored by having to clean and pack and head home. And heading home has me thinking.
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I am pretty relaxed. I have been able to handle what comes my way here without worry. Is it solely because I have such a lovely leisurely schedule? And what is it about my non-vacation, regular day-to-day life that leaves me less relaxed, less patient, more worried, more of the time?
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I have paid a bill or two here. I have had a document notarized, returned clothes that didn’t fit, worked with the realtor who is renting my Mother’s house. I’ve bought groceries, mailed letters, washed clothes, cooked (alittle), cared for my family, picked up and swept clean. With one big difference: I’ve done a lot of these things on my own time, by my own clock.
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Is that it? Am I calm and content just because I can move more at my leisure? I look at my current life and I don’t think so. At home I work three days a week at a job I like alot. I write, I visit and care for my Mother, someone else cleans my house twice a month. Most nights I have time after dinner to cool down and most often I have enough time or money to take little trips, to see a play, to buy a new pillow for the couch.

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So why would I be rightly anticipating that I will not be able to hold on to the calm I’ve accumulated here in Ptown, here on vacation, when I head back to my home and routine?
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What’s the problem?
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And what’s the answer?
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I have a few thoughts:
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1. Simplicity: there is not clutter here. I have brought with me only what I either need or enjoy. I have my wallet, my books, my colored pencils, my iphone, my laptop, my candles, my camera, my flip flops, my sneakers and my bike. I don’t have to keep track of a lot more than that. Why can’t I carry this simplicity home with me? No good answer why not.
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2. Nourishment: I’ve taken care of myself the last few weeks. I’ve walked, I’ve bought myself little presents, I’ve let the sun warm my face, I’ve eaten my favorite foods, I’ve giggled in the shivering Atlantic Ocean. Why can’t I nourish myself like this at home? No good answer here either. Maybe of course I can’t devote as much time to nourishment as I have here, but some of the basics: feeling the sun on my face, for example, surely I can remember how good that feels, how good I feel because of it. Why can’t I nourish myself more? No good answer why not.
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3. I’m Right Here: When I refer to this cozy red couch where I write it's because I am clearly HERE, on it this minute, not even thinking about evaluating the past or planning the future. I am just here. Even paying the bills, I am here. Walking down Commercial Street: I am there. Not working, not worrying, just walking. So why can't I be more aware of where I am, more of the time? No good answer why not.
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4. Connections: People smile at one another here. In restaurants and on the trails and at the beach, people chat with one another, laugh together. This is what happens in vacation mode: it’s easier to be light and friendly, to drop your guard and have fun with others. So why can’t I live like this at home? It’s a worthy question. Why not? I will tell you honestly that I smile at a lot of people in the course of my days, even in neighborhoods where I am cautious, and most people smile back. It’s a good thing. Same with chatting, sometimes even touching a shoulder. Why can't I do this the way it is done here? No good answer why not.

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I am going to be a walking waking laboratory. I am going home tomorrow and I am going to do my damnest to take my time, to simplify, to take care of myself, to stay present, to connect. I'll let you know. Or, you could be a walking waking laboratory with me....

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Love

kj

Thursday 13: Mish Mash Vacation

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How fast can three and a half weeks go?
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This is my last few days in Provincetown. We leave on Sunday. What an interesting time. Time alone. Time with JB. Time with friends. Time at the sea. Time in the sun. Time on the couch. Time on the streets.
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I'll let this week's Thursday 13 catch you up:

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The Butts

Don't ask me why, but this picture makes me laugh. Maybe you had to be there to see the wiggles, especially from that certain doll in the yellow dress.

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2.

The Light

Here in Cape Cod and the Islands, the light is like no where else. It doesn't just reflect: it bounces. I took this just after sunrise.
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3.

The Poet

I hadn't been here two days before I became intoxicated by knowing there are locally signed Mary Oliver books at the Provincetown Book Store. I have bought three. One is currently earmarked for a special friend who I think will be willing to send me one of her unsigned (but touched and lived in) Mary Oliver books IF I send her one of my signed Mary Oliver books. I'll be happy with the deal.

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The Tall Ship

The Kalmar Nyckel sailed into Provincetown Harbor last week and is here until August 29th. It is a replica of a tall ship built in 1625 to serve the Swedish Navy and later take settlers to America. JB and I are not going to have the time to take the three hour sail it offers, but I kinda wish we could/would/should.

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The Seagull

I've already posted about seeing a glorious ocean sunrise. But did I add that when we got to the beach (a bit of a downward hike), my friend Liz saw these and said "Oh! Turkeys!" She quickly corrected such an uniformed identification and instead said, "Vultures!"

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The Men

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Some things I don't have pictures for. Like this: JB & I are walking back home the night of the Carnival Parade. 75,000 people came into this little town for this most outrageous parade, and into the night there was festivity and abandon on the streets.
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So we're walking up Court Street and these three guys are in front of us, very drunk. They are all tall. The one in closest to me says something like, "How are you, bitch?" and for a millisecond I freeze, on alert, until I remember I am in Provincetown. Provincetown is a safe place. I often don't lock our doors. So I stare him down and I say, "You're calling me a bitch?!" and he immediately gets embarrassed, "Oh my God," he says in an exaggerated and drunken slur, "I'm sorry! I didn't mean it."
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The guys proceed to invite us for drinks (we decline) while trying to pick up a small Brazilian man who is walking by. (I rescue him and he thanks me, we both shake our heads and laugh).
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This is Provincetown. If there is danger here, I'm glad I don't know about it.
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The Sharks

Sharks have been spotted within a mile of shore at Race Point and Head of the Meadow beaches. Yesterday a seal was killed by a great white. So this is no fooling around. I'm told the beach(es) where we go is safe, but this is my extent of coming face to face with a great white shark.

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The Tarot

To ask the right question is already

half the solution of a problem. Carl Jung

I have an extensive collection of tarot books. My Mother bought me a James Bond Tarot deck when I was (probably) in middle school, and I read and actually trust the cards, most of the time. At the last YART art fair in our side yard, I charged $ 2 for a three card reading and I made $ 66 dollars. I was exhausted.

I bought this little reference book a few weeks ago and I so recommend it. If you don't know the tarot, and want to, this will be a good start. And if you already know what each of the cards mean, I think you will find interesting interpretations.

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The Breast

Hahaha, I offer this without comment for your possible artistic enjoyment.

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The Women

So JB and Anne and I are having coffee in a small very cozy general store here in town. It has been pouring all day and we are soaked. Two women walk in and they are even more soaked, they are drenched. They are both in their seventies. We make small talk with them about the rain and they tell us they have just arrived from Minneapolis. They are here to get married (Massachusetts in one of a small number of states that allows gay marriage.)

They are so excited. They ask if they can order a wedding cake at this general store and JB and I tell them yes, but they should also consider Connie's coconut cake (I bow to this cake). I have noticed in the very back of the store, near the bathrooms, there is one remaining bride-bride cake topping--those plastic little dolls that you see at weddings. I ask the women to wait and I go get it and buy it for them. I say, "Congratulations on your marriage" and they say, "This is our first wedding gift." The whole exchange was very sweet.

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11.
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The Dove

I should look up what it means when a dove appears. This afternoon, after the beach and before the outside dinner at Bubulas, where we have local mussels served in a sausage and cream sauce, JB and i are having drinks on our tiny roof deck when this dove lands and stays on the roof next door. I am totally willing to take this as a good sign. I don't even need to know the details.

12.

The Hearts

And more signs today. Thanks to Robyn ♥, I now look for hearts everywhere. But these two found me: one in front of the incoming tides and one lying by my blanket. No problem, I accept these signs too.

13.

The Collection

Mr. Ryan, seen here watching ScoobyDo (surely I should know how to spell this), gleefully gathered stones and shells from the beach and bay, carefully putting them in a green plastic strainer and a blue plastic pail, and calling it all his 'collection.' Which I guess is no great shakes except that he is only three, and I thought use of that word was a pretty sophisticated word for his little age.
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So will anyone join me in doing a Thursday 13? This week or next? Who cares if it's a day or so late? :)
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I will be making a not-minor transition in a few days: back home, different season, a return to chores, a return to work. It's been a good few weeks. There is still a little more to wring out and savor.

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Love

kj

A Poem for Linda

Linda from Arizona 'gets' me. I don't know how or why that is the case, but I always feel she understands, plus she remembers details that sometimes I forget about myself. Her support and presence is a gift I very much appreciate. So when she told me it was time to write a happy poem, that's what I've done.

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I'm looking for a title for this poem. In fact, I will award my choice of the best title with a little surprise something. My visitors here are a creative bunch, so please have a go at if if you don't mind!

Untitled for the Time Being
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If I were to write a happy poem
Who I wonder would wish to comb
Through my words and find themselves
Dancing with me like little elves?
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Is determination all I need
To fill nourish and sometimes feed
The ghosts that prey upon my feet
Scaring me with tales complete
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Of mean and nasty lima beans,
Friends who don’t do what they mean?
Those who play at giving thanks
Without a thought to broken banks?
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I have good accounts with full deposits
No miserable skeletons in my own closets.
So why the need to understand
When someone chooses not to land
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In territory real and true
Why not turn the other shoe
And kick your heels toward better times
Where loving folks wait in the vines?
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Where there is play and micron pens
No blemishes there from start to end.
You have enough, god knows you do
So now just look at what is true.
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Bless the rest,
Pass the test.
Look beyond
A sad wrong song.
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It had the words but lacked the tune
It’s time to wander elsewhere soon
Move on to where life is rich
And there’s no room for witch or bitch!
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Okay, Linda, I wrote the words
That sing and have no silly turds.
I hope I’ve carved this poem just right
So life becomes a sweet delight.

Animal Wednesday: Emily & Marianne

from my best friend Marianne

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Hello everyone, it's me, Emily! Can you even believe that kj tried to sneak in that pensive post on Animal Wednesday? I think she thought I would be too busy to notice, and just because I have been punished for a week for staying out all night, that is not a reason for her to take over my time to write, don't you think she was pushy to do that? Plus wouldn't you be staying out all night too if you were vacationing on Cape Coddy and you had trees to swing in and an ocean to bob in and friends to play with?

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I am having a very good time and being punished is not really a problem because I am sneaking out even though I am punished for sneaking out.

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But my best friend Marianne didn't meet me and I feel bad about that. I wish she had thought to come looking for me at the beach or in that special tree I like but she was too busy having fun with kj and lololo and even JB and this one time I didn't mind because I probably should have let her know when I licked her ear.

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Anyway, Marianne, I wrote you a poem from me to you. I hope you like it and as a special tribute to our being best friends, I am not going to charge kj any money this week for writing this, even though she might not have paid me anyway.

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Yours sincerely,

Emily V.V. Rabbit

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To My Best Friend Marianne

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Marianne came to visit
While I was playing in a tree
She hugged kj and brought great gifts
And she probably looked for me.

I almost woke her up at night
But it was very late
And I had just snuck back inside
When I was supposed to be home at eight.

Marianne is my best friend
In case you didn’t see
So I am very sure, quite sure
All that candy is for me.

I ate the black licorice
And all the cookies too
I gobbled the stroopwafels
And loved everything through and through.

I know I should have been here
When Marianne arrived
I shouldn’t have been swinging
And trying to contrive

A reason to stay out late
With Gregory Squirrel and the ducks
I should have told them I was busy’
And not tried to push my luck.

I didn’t know that Marianne
Would leave the very next day.
I though she and lololo and that nice Felix
Would decide to stay and play.

Maybe this one time
It was my fault that I was not right here
But Marianne, you know know know
You are my friend so dear!!

I promise next time I will plan
to show you all my places
Where I love to get in trouble
And all these secret spaces.

Plus I will share my lollies
And even my jellies
I may even let you
Scratch my little belly.

Because Marianne, you’re my best friend
I’m sorry I missed
Your visit this first time
The next time I’ll kiss!

But just so you know
The night you were here
I snuck in and tickled you
In your right ear.

In Search of Me

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This really should be Emily Rabbit's post. She should be writing about her best friend Marianne's remarkable magical visit to Provincetown. It's possible that may still happen.
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But tonight I am feeling pensive, and I'm preparing to wind down my three and one half weeks of vacation here, where the ocean breezes never stop and where I somehow belong, even when I'm not sure I do.
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It's been a wonderful three plus weeks. I spent the first four days writing snippets for book # 2, and I made progress I feel good about. This is a book that won't be published until and unless I am sure it is fair and unless and until it is time. It is not an easy book to write, and I am not sure I will be able to finish it, if at all, until more of my emotions come to rest.

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I've had quite a vacation, with myself, with JB, with friends and family. Our sisterfriend Liz came to do nothing and everything with us; Lo and Marianne drove a long way to see me here and that could just about be the highlight of my year; we got to spend some wonderful time with our niece Anne, and today Jess and Mike and Mr. Ryan and Mr. Drew left us, in the serious rain, after four days of simply being together, such joy for me.
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JB and I still have until Sunday, when we will clean up, pack up, and head for home and chores and work and Autumn. We have a few local friends to see between now and then, and I hope for enough sun to get our kayaking in. I love the rhythm here. I do what I do and don't do what I don't do.
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It's been a near perfect vacation but I could so easily give the impression that I am the most content and centered person on the planet. I am certainly one of the luckiest and most fortunate.
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But the truth is I am lost sometimes. I still look back in confusion sometimes, even when I know damn well it's best to look ahead. I'm still not sure how day to day happiness (contentment) really works, even though I've written almost a book about that very subject. I know that sorrow and loss is part of life, and I know that is true for everyone. But I'm not always sure how all the pieces fit together, how they interlock so I still hold on to contentment, no matter what happens to and around me.
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Tonight a friend was talking about a friend of his who had had his heart broken. That is how he described it, and I understood more than I wish I did about what that meant. Things like that will change you.

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I'm still surprised that I don't look for fairness in the world. I used to, but now I am more likely to do what I can, to pray even, but to also accept that there are things that happen that I don't understand, that I may never understand. Things that happen thataren't fair, especially to children, but also to hearts.

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I really could have chosen to write an upbeat post tonight, because there is plenty to be upbeat about. But from the beginning of this blog I have believed that it is helpful to just be myself, whether I'm upbeat and clear, or not. Because either is the way it is, because that is part of life.

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This is how it looks on this night from the vantage point of a red sectional couch in the small coastal town of Provincetown, Massachusetts, where a woman named kj counts her blessings and her questions in equal measure. At least that what she does tonight.

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And tomorrow: she'll have to wait and see when she wakes walks into a new day waiting for her....

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Love

kj

Family

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It's the most amazing thing.

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Our family arrived by boat.
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We took our shoes off.

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We found seashells.
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One of us stretched out in the sun with a bag of Dorito's.
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And then relaxed...
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with his Mother...
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and with his brother Mr. Baby Drew...

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and in the alligator chair.

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I love my son-in-law.
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He is an awesome Father.
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All in all, our time together is chaos.

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Our niece Anne is here with us too.

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That is a special treat.

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This morning Anne & JB & Mr. Ryan and Mr. Baby Drew & I walked down Commercial Street holding hands, all of us.

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It is raining but we went to the beach anyway and looked for shells and stones.

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Mr. Ryan calls them his 'collection.'

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It doesn't get any better than this.

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Every year we do this. I can only hope Mr. Ryan and Mr. Baby Drew carry these memories always.

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I know about special memories. I know they matter as much as love matters. That we-who-is-a-family is able to experience this together is one of many reasons to be very grateful.

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Thank you universe.

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Love

kj

Beachy Bumper Stickers

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I love the beach. I love the sand and the shells and the rocks. I love bobbing in the icy Atlantic Ocean, then I love just about falling asleep on my towel while the sun warms and dries me. I love hearing happy animated voices in the background. I love it all.

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But yesterday what I loved most were three the bumper stickers on a car at the beach:

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Coexist

Have respect for

all living creatures on the earth

Ex in trunk

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hahaha!

.And since I'm still on vacation and feeling extra wise, may I wish you a day free of normal worries, in favor of reasons to laugh instead.

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love

kj

Thursday 13: Today Plus Mish Mash

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I haven't done a Thursday 13 in a long time. I used to do one regularly, and I liked it. So here's today plus a random thought or two:

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JB and I drove a long hour today in support of our weight.

I want my body back.

(I've cheated the first two weeks of vacation)

I want to look like Marianne. :)

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It is hard to lose weight,

to get in shape and stay there.

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I am working on it.

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(Even though I cheated).

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This lunch was good.

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2.

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This birthday cake was in honor of Studio Lolo (lo to me),

myself, and Mim in absentia. I have never shared

my birthday with friends before, and I like it.

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3.

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This house was just painted, pretty much all

one color. What a difference paint makes.

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This is important to know, don't you think?

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I want this in my yard....
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5.

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Today was the annual carnival parade

in Provincetown. About 50,000

people came for it.

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.The theme this year was

jungle or tropical.

This guy is a lemon tree.

JB and I planned to see the parade.

It is fun and outrageous.

But we stayed late at the beach

and then fell into the red couch.

So we missed the parade on purpose.

We were surprised we decided that!
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6.

.We walked down to Commercial Street

after dinner and there were plenty

of costumes still enjoying themselves
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7.

There they were:

three babies and one father

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8.

I dunked and bobbed in the ocean today.

It is cold, but once I'm in it's so refreshing.

Normally I would have a good tan by now,

but I've been writing and socializing

and I love spending my days that way too.
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9.

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Stella likes it here. She gets more frequent walks

and she can't stop sniffing.

(This year Ptown was voted the most dog friendly

place in America)
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She came to the beach with us today,

for the first time,

lay in the shade under an umbrella.

We forgot to bring water for her.

JB was on her way to get back in the car

to get some when

and a kind woman and man

offered us theirs.
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10.

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I can't take a good picture of myself

to save my life. Plus how do I WANT to look?

I am actively losing weight, none to soon.

I want to look fashionably cool.

I prefer it seem like my own style.

Right now I don't enjoy buying clothes.

And I want to.

I don't know how long it will take

for me to reach three important weight goals.

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1. I want to be able to tuck in my shirts and blouses.

2. I want nice legs again.

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3. It's private, and I really really want it. :)

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11.

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This is the walkway to our condo.

It's one of three made from

dividing a house that

was once a convent

for Cuban Nuns.

Honest to God.
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12.

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I love women.

Of all ages.

I love their wisdom.

And gutsiness.

Partners, friends. acquaintances,

strangers, movie stars.

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I'm glad that so many wonderful

women are in my life.

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13.

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I love sitting outside

at a table

and sipping cappuccinos.

One day, along with JB,

I want to spend three months

in Italy,

sipping cappuccinos outside,

writing,

and eating.

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So I end where I starting: food and eating. Please root for me. I want my body back. I want to love the way I look. I even want to be able to post one g.d. photo of myself that I think looks terrific. .

Anybody else interested in doing a Thursday 13?

They're pretty interesting to do.

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Love

kj

Momentous Friends

TA DA! Lo, Marianne, & kj
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I am not someone who has many close friends. I am well liked, hopefully for good reason, but I don't allow myself to be vulnerable with many people, and I know that being willing to be vulnerable makes a friendship a close friendship.

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My darling friend Liz, Marianne's darling son, and my darling JB

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Last Thursday, Liz came to Ptown for our annual vacation here. JB, Liz and I have the best time, often doing very little. We fall into each day as we wish, and we enjoy every moment. Sometimes we go out for breakfast, we go to the beach, we shop, we read, we take naps. We talk a lot. Liz is my Sister-Friend. She and I made that term up years ago, and she is the only person I use it with.

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Liz is a 'real' friend. I met her through JB's work and I am quite happy to be myself in her presence.
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As Liz prepared to head out, Lo and Marianne arrived. This was an event to be forever cherished, because Marianne has come from the Netherlands and three blog friends met in person for the first time.

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Lo is a 'real friend. She started out a blog friend and that was plenty wonderful, but over time we have become close friends in real place and time.
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Marianne is a blog friend. Except that changed as of Monday.
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She and Lo and Marianne's twelve year old son arrived here in Provincetown. It was spectacular.

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First of all, just meeting and hugging Marianne was pretty spectacular.

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She is very beautiful, fashionable, lovely, wonderful. I am not exaggerating.

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Her son is very adorable, sweet, fantastic and charming. He is a total delight to be with.

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I am talking about friends who are great to be with.
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What did we do together? Ah, along with Liz for a bit of time and JB throughout, we witnessed magic. Not ordinary magic, mind you: this was the special astonishing magic of friendship.

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Marianne is a real friend too.

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I now know how her hands move, how wonderfully she and her boy laugh together, how clearly she adores Lolo, how trim and well dressed she is, how wise and loose and thoughtful she is.
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JB was an incredible co-hostess. She volunteered to take this charming boy to the pool so Lo, Marianne and I could walk along Commercial Street and visit galleries, stop for a seaside drink. She was her kind thoughtful self from beginning to end. I am always so thankful and proud of who JB is. She is as loving and kind to me as I have ever known.

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Marianne brought abundant gifts for both of us, from China and Holland and from her own hand.

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She also had painted birth mandalas for JB and me, and each is incredibly amazingly vibrantly beautiful. I will cherish mine forever. Both will be hung in a blessed spot in our home.

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It's pretty obvious the three of us are pretty damn knock down gorgeous, don't you think so?

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Marianne, friend to Lolo and kj, new friend to JB, terrific Mother and amazing artist, and her sweet darling boy are heading back to New York tomorrow and flying home. Safe travels, dear friend. You can bet We'll do it again.
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Love
kj