Sunday, November 27, 2016


It appears that I am writing again, regularly, and happily. I've had a reason to look back at my words over the last few years and some of them may find their way to my blog. Like this one, which is kind of topical for me since the holidays are here and I think about certain people who have come and gone. I'm no fan of that. 

Divine Justice

Twice I’ve tried and failed. I hate regrets and I have two big ones.

Through an intermediary I send word to my first deep and true love. It is 25 years later and I calmly see my part in the painful bitter betrayal that choked us both. The response back is a non response: a dollop of vanilla variety silence. If I read into it, the non words are clear:  ‘I am ignoring you. Leave me alone.”

The second regret is less complicated but equally unfortunate. I lost a good friend to a bad decision, one that was not then and definitely not now worth anything close to the cost. It’s been four years. I’ve sent a couple of cards and left a couple of phone messages, apologizing, lamenting, hoping for a reconnect. I’ve gotten word back, olitely and indirectly, that the time is not right… maybe some other time. 

I am looking for redemption and find it buried in rejection.

Isn’t that just the way sometimes? You have to let go of someone you wished you had gripped harder or softer. You have to accept what you can’t make right. That’s your only chance. 

I’ve phoned my friend Dory and we’re sharing a double scooped hot fudge sundae in downtown Northampton. It is a warm breezy Sunday night in June and gratitude skips around our ankles. Dory has made a few regret calls herself lately, with similar results. 

We are two minds now less emcumbered by several less people. 

It’s a divine loss and the ice cream is also divine. Just ice and no heat. 


Isn’t that just the way sometimes?

love
kj

9 comments:

  1. Hey when you're in Northampton stop by WRSI and tell the sob's I can't listen live anymore.

    *meh* Trying to make amends and retrofit the past into the present is the real 2 way street of relationships of all kinds. Some folks only see a 1 way sign.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. dat true, mark. and sometimes you just can't go back
      love
      kj

      Delete
  2. Sometimes we can't fix the old hurts. People are either still annoyed or don't care anymore. Some are still holding onto " I'm angry at you and going to make you suffer". It's hard. You have to simply forgive yourself for being human and learn from the experience. At least that's my idea. Xoxo. To you

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. mim, i wrote this a long time ago and i've moved on in both cases, only wishing i could have been kinder. maybe next lifetime i'll make it up.

      i do think there's a 3rd reason someone can't make amends after being slighted and it is that the best option for her/him was distance.

      xoxo to you too
      love
      kj

      Delete
  3. Hey there KJ!! Mir said it. Sometimes we can't fix old hurts, but we can control how we plan to move forward though. Forgiveness is not about the other person, but more about you moving forward and self care. I send you lots and lots of love and joy and inner peace at this time. SO glad you stopped by my friend. Hugs to you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hello ms. vee! we live and learn, don't we? :^)
      love
      kj

      Delete
  4. U've been on both sides of that equation and it's difficult either way. I guess the trick is focusing on the people you do have/want in your life.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hi cs, i've been on both sides too. i hope i'm at a point in life where i am not obliviously unkind or selfish. other than that, i do the best i can.

      love
      kj

      Delete