Tuesday, July 14, 2015

Moving Memories


They look like just things and boxes, but it's a trick. Every book I pack for Saturday's yard sale, every china cup I let go of, even as I discard the yearly calendars that span back twenty years: they are all alive. Not things at all. 

I knew it was serious when I came across my daughter's tiny love letters and scribbles, written to me from her long ago kindergarten classroom that is no doubt much like the one her children now occupy; those same children who write me new love letters and scribbles. It's killing me to discard the old for the new, but I will not have room. I am moving and even if I managed to find extra space, it's time for me to rely on my memories as pure stardust and no longer on their physical substance.

My son-in-law's Father died two days ago. A freak terrible accident in his yard in Northern Maine, and  his children and the wife he left but always loved must face a sudden loss with no good-bye. Anything can happen: I know that. This kind of instant grief insists that I remember the high cost of regret. It's important that I love now and that I make that love clear and unmistakable. It's important to do the right things.

I am moving from a wonderful house. Box by box it is being unraveled and yet even as it empties it is still proud and whole. The hot tub has been sold. Furniture is on Craig's List. Saturday we will have a giant yard sale with relief that we will be lighter at the end of the day (hopefully.) I am moving to a place I know by the sea and it is well familiar to me and yet, I have no real idea what my life will be like there. The last months and the next months ahead are filled with so much exhaustion that I can barely imagine unwinding into a true pace of leisure. I will still work and I will indeed finish my story of the Macabees and I only hope my bum knee and hip will let me walk more and take in the healing ocean air. I hope I will have new friends and be visited by my old friends and I know I will travel every other week across a long bridge and on a long highway to see my daughter and son-in-law and four small children who still squeal and run to me every time I arrive. 

All of this and I have pneumonia! It's come from depletion and it is thankfully mild. In between packing and sorting and planning I rest on the couch and think about my luck of the draw. I now know I had very good parents. They are responsible for my core strength and integrity. I am no angel but I am honest and decent. Because I had very good parents. 

I am glad to be here at my blog tonight. I have a home here. It too has changed but the stardust of my memories is forever. Good that I know that. I hope you know that too about your own stardust memories. Memories are gold. You can't go wrong sharing them.

love
kj 




32 comments:

  1. You ad JB are amazing to have taken on such enourmous tasks, and not surprising that your body is saying "HELP". Selling two houses - wow. Throwing out memories - even more wow, and brave. This is transition at it's best.
    sending many hugs and love, take it easy if possible - OK?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It is a lot, Mim. I can't yet visualize being on the other side of it. We are still holding on to more than we have room for!

      Love kj

      Delete
  2. And very sad to hear about your in-laws - so sad. condolences to the family.

    ReplyDelete
  3. the value of living in the present is that there is no memory. I prefer the present.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Mark, your grandkids and kids will look back on their memories....

      Love
      kj

      Delete
  4. What a lovely post. I'm sorry to hear that you have pneumonia but hope you're feeling better soon. Remember to be kind to your body as well. You are lucky to have had good parents. I have a granddaughter know too and I love being Nana. I had no idea that this was waiting for me, these feelings. It's wonderful.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi deb, thanks. I had no idea being a grandparent would be so grand. Congrats to you

      Love
      kj

      Delete
  5. How nice to read a post here. It is a rollercoaster and that's what it is, dear. But life is sometimes that way. Storms don't last long and soon you will have the time and the peace to enjoy your new life in a new home. And..... less is more :-)
    Take care and a big hug from the Netherlands!
    Btw: next tuesday a black miniature schnauzer named Lola is coming to live with us. Check my blog !!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lola!!!!! That's wonderful news, Wieneke. So happy for you. I'll be by!

      Love
      kj

      Delete
  6. Sending you love and strength for the journey. Pack a suitcase of memories...

    Lovelovelove,
    Deb

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks feb. Know what's happening? We just packed 8 table clothes and four sets of napkins. We won't have the room, but we couldn't part with them

      Love you deb!
      kj

      Delete
  7. Deb, when did you become feb? Haha!

    ReplyDelete
  8. I'm so sorry you're ill; I can easily understand your feelings for your belongings; and as one who regularly works in his yard, I'm curious about that cause of the accident.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Snow, we only know he was riding his mower on a slant and fell onto the coastal rocks below.

      Delete
    2. The ground gave way :-(

      Delete
    3. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

      Delete
    4. Snow, I deleted your comment because it could be insensitive and hurtful to my son-in-law's family

      Delete
    5. By "it happens to us all," I meant that tragedy and death comes to us all, often at times that are marked by joy or mundaneity, which are the times when we are most likely to think we are safe. Other times, tragedy and death are expected, as with a terminal illness, and then we can hopefully prepare for it. So, I didn't mean to be glib, but rather to acknowledge a universal truth that we all partake in and that could befall any of us at a given time.

      I had no idea what ":-(" meant, so I looked it up but still don't know as I couldn't find it. I had rather assumed that you might have been glib, so this made me doubt that anyone was reading what I wrote who might have been hurt by it, even though, given what I intended, I can't imagine that anyone would have been hurt.

      Despite what I have said, are you still offended?

      Delete
    6. I wasn't offended but cautious: I read or misread that you were referring to the ground giving way and comically generalizing from it. Thanks for explaining.

      Delete
    7. I think I often make you cautious. I know I'm not an easy person for you because our views are often at odds, although never so much so as I think you imagine--it not being the heart of a point about which we disagree but rather its details. I even belong to the ACLU, and surely this suggests to you that I am more than just the racist, conservative reactionary that you seem to pigeonhole me as.

      Delete
  9. I am finding that if I am more present in the present, my memories are stronger and more vibrant than when I'm trying to photograph or record memories for future reference. Still, although I don't have much in the way of mementos, I do cherish what I have. I do not envy your task.

    You are in my heart today and I hope you are feeling better.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks 8, I don't know how we accumulated so much of so much. Just finished a huge yard sale and still more to go.

      My memories seem to always be look backs and often I turn them in my palm like treasures. Stress knocks me out of the present like an advancing army, sometimes even when I know better. But I'm at least aware!

      Love
      kj

      Delete
  10. Just look at you.
    I remember when this move was only a distant dream.
    Now here you are.
    My favorite saying: Expect a miracle.
    Congratulations, I think you got one.
    XO Babs

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Babs! XO

      It's a biggie, alright. I feel the house saying goodbye to me; assuring me it will again be fine.

      How are you??!! Look for me one day :-)

      Love
      kj

      Delete
  11. Bittersweet, isn't it? Life is precious, memories are precious and the time ahead will bring wonders of its own. Heal up, KJ - you have lots of good ahead.

    ReplyDelete
  12. cs, your comment means a lot : instant comfort

    Love
    kj

    ReplyDelete
  13. I am so sorry to hear about the tragic death of your son in law's father. Life is precious for sure.

    Moving is hard to do, after many years of living in the same beloved place. Sending loving thoughts your way ~ xo

    ReplyDelete
  14. Thank you, amanda. Seeing such a loss happen to a family we love and one who has so welcomed our daughter is just so sad.

    I'm getting a lot of sympathy for moving. I can't believe how hard it's been. But I think we're rounding a final lap.
    Love
    kj
    Ps how are you? Are you writing?

    ReplyDelete
  15. This is the precise weblog for anybody who needs to seek out out about this topic. You notice so much its almost arduous to argue with you. You positively put a brand new spin on a subject that's been written about for years. Nice stuff, simply nice!

    ReplyDelete
  16. i love this post kj :} just so beautiful!

    ReplyDelete