Tuesday, December 30, 2014

The Pocket Books


from ryan

Her black fabric pocketbook. With two handles and three compartments. I made sure there was always a few dollar bills and a small container of change in the middle fold, besides my Mother's wallet with her driver's license and social security card and charge cards from the 1990's, several small color photos of her two grandchildren, and a stunning black and white one by one inch photo of herself when she was barely in her 20's. 

That pocketbook was my Mother's true North. No matter what was happening in her life, even through the last few years when she had no need for anything in it, when she was the slightest bit lost or confused or on the imaginary move, that pocketbook grounded her. She sought it, searched for it, asked for help in finding it, took comfort in it, and then forgot about it until the next time.

The pocketbook has stayed on my couch until yesterday, when I moved it five feet where it now sits on top of the box of my grandchildren's lego-type all colors plastic wheels, tucked into the side of the bookcase.  I'm searching for some use for it so I can keep it. I'm desperate enough to think about planting my jade cuttings in one of the compartments. (joke). 

I have been embraced by sympathy and condolence cards. I started hanging them up on one of the hall closet doors--across from our holiday cards spread across the inside of the front door, but there are so many. Maybe 30. Or 50. They say wonderful things: 

"We give comfort
and receive comfort
sometimes at the same time"

and from the little prince:
"In one of the stars
I shall be living
In one of them
I shall be laughing 
And so it will be 
as if all the stars 
were laughing
when you look
at the sky at night."

JB says the number of cards and calls and connections and offers of help is a bit amazing. It feels amazing. I figure there are probably 1, 2, or 3 reasons for so much caring and kindness:

1. It's so easy to feel and understand the loss of a Mother so it's easy and comforting to offer solace.

2. I'm actually blessed by the quality of the people in my life and by my efforts to connect and be kind to others. I'm not perfect by any means but I am sincere and when I care I care. Like my Mother did. 

3. The song, "You Raise Me Up," played at the chapel as my Mother's casket was carried in and I and JB and Jessica and my brother and sister-in-law walked behind her--that's my Mother's doing--raising me up so I can stand on a mountain and  catch kindnesses in the sky.

My family gave a card of thanks to every aide and nurse on the floor at the nursing home, with a surprise holiday $ inside. Today we received a card from one of my Mother's aides; one of the women who was the last to touch her and prepare her after her breathing stopped. She wrote us a note:

"It was easy to care for you and your Mother, and I'm in awe of your show of appreciation and love you gave us on a daily basis. It will forever stay in a small corner of my heart. My w(h)ish is to clone that mold in humanity."

Whatever we did to have even one person feel that way, to feel our appreciation, it "gives and receives comfort sometimes at the same time….."

Aha! It just hit me. I can gather all these cards and store them in that pocketbook; maybe in the compartment with the zipper. Maybe in all 3 compartments. And then, as I wonder where the heck to put that pocketbook, I can remember that I have somehow managed to be found and be loved; that I have inherited even more love; and that I have a duty to pass all that love around.

happy new year, my friends. Thank you most sincerely.

love
kj

31 comments:

  1. You know what I would do with that purse? Give it to your daughter, the first part of her grandmother that you gave her after she passed, let her plant her jade in it, you planted the coin purse, the wallet, the expired CC's. Let it be a reminder to your succeeding generations which way true north lay. I don't know if it's 5 or 6 times I have said this since my brother in law passed 18 months ago "but never forgetting - never forgotten. Let your child carry the compass so her children, and their children will never forget.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. right on, mark. thank you. it's all a circle.

      love
      kj

      Delete
  2. I would keep it, filled with the cards. Tuck it away somewhere with one of her hankies. OH KJ.
    You are such a good friend to all your friends, of course people love you and trust you and want you to know that they are thinking of you. It's the Mom thing also but it's you two at the heart of the love.
    When the time is right, give the pocketbook to Jess, then to Reese. The love will live, with the knowledge that we all get old and sometimes the strangest things are our security blankets.
    love you!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. yes, mim. i am going to keep the pocket book as a shrine.

      i love your last line about our security blankets. that's what the pocketbook was to my Mom. xoxo

      love
      kj

      Delete
  3. What a great idea! An accordion treasure chest of deferred love. You will see her again one day :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ah an accordion. i love that, annie xo

      love
      kj

      Delete
  4. Some of the things you write strike so close to the bone. Not in a bad way. But in such a personal way it is difficult for me to comment in such a public forum. And so, for now, I will say that I love this post and I wish you a very happy, healthy and joy filled new year.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thank you very much, ms. 8. i wish you the same.

      love
      kj

      Delete
  5. I still have and cherish and even wear a few things that had belonged to my mother and my grandmother. They have both been gone for many (many!) years, but not a day goes by I don't think about both of them. Your words are filled with so much love and I don't doubt for a minute that your mom is right there with all of you!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. silke, it both comforts and troubles me that so many people, like you, tell me that the love and all the feelings don't diminish one bit over the years; that we never get use to the loss. but i know i won't forget either. how could i?

      love
      kj

      Delete
  6. You found the perfect use for the pocket book. I wish you had a physical card from me there, but I am sending love and all best wishes for a deeply meaningful new year.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. lydia, i feel your love and support plenty. thank you so much. i'm so glad we are poets xoxo

      love
      kj

      Delete
  7. Oh my darling girl I shed a few tears reading your post. I hope the end for your Mother was peaceful and not too taxing for you. But, yes, a Mother, we can relate. Or, sort of. The last year here has been difficult with my Mum diagnosed with 4th stage breast cancer...we're on and off the chemo train...it's been, as Renee's daughter once said, 'the best of times and the worst of times'. So much growth... And darling, that song, whenever I hear it I think of my Mum... Thank you for sharing with us darling and yes those cards need to go in that pocketbook. Much love.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hello chrisy, how nice to hear from you, but i am sad to hear about your Mum; i thought: as if renee prepared you in some way. i hope the chemo is effective and helpful and i understand the part about 'the best of times.' that is the precious part.

      sending love and blessings to you, my friend
      love
      kj

      Delete
  8. I think that in some ways going through the possessions is the hardest part. I am still working on that, and doing what I can when I can. The big decisions are not as hard for me as the little, sentimental ones. It's ironic that as much as we as a society fear death, it's very much the simple part. Sending love your way-because love is what matters-not the stuff. And love never goes away.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. dk, thanks. i know you too know. I gave away most of my Mother's china cups and I regret that. so the pocketbook and the little stuffed mouse with the red pokadot dress stays.

      happy new year, my friend
      love
      kj

      Delete
  9. Dear Karen, Sorry to hear about your mother's death. It is so hard to say good-bye. Heartbreaking. I pray that you will be consoled and comforted by the sense of her close to you. It has been a privilege to have met her through you and to get some sense of her beautiful spirit. Take care. Much love. xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I've been thinking of you, kay. it is heartbreaking. some moments are harder than others.i haven't felt my Mom's presence yet and i want to. i hope that will be. much love to you too, kay. i hope it has gotten easier for you. i hope it has.

      with love
      kj

      Delete
  10. Your mother lives on in you. That's what matters. ♥

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thank you, cs. it almost feels that way.

      love
      kj

      Delete
  11. There are so many things about this post that are gorgeous. The image of your mother's pocketbook that 'grounded' her - and that is the case with so many women even today. And your generosity to the nurses and aides who cared for your mom - you give of your heart and they gave back, just as the quote you mentioned:

    "We give comfort
    and receive comfort
    sometimes at the same time"

    The pocketbook is the perfect receptacle for all those letters of thanks and love. Surely your mom is feeling all that love that is now inside it.

    Sending big hugs (((♡)))

    xoxo
    Amanda

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thank you, amanda. my Mother earned so much of that love and caring, just by the way she was. she used to ask me, "I don't complain, do I/" and she didn't.

      unlike me, who not only likes to complain, but is very good at it :^)

      happy new year, amanda xoxo
      love
      kj

      Delete
  12. I had never thought of being grounded by a billfold, but it makes perfect sense to me because there's nothing in my daily life (when I leave home anyway) that I guard more closely or check on more often to be sure it's still in my pocket. Peggy made mine, and I've carried it for at least 20 years, it being my second or third made by her.

    Love,
    Snow

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hi snow, same with me: my wallet and now too my phone. hell, i'll be looking for my iPhone when i'm in the nursing home.

      did peggy sew your billfold?
      love
      kj

      Delete
    2. "did peggy sew your billfold?"

      Yes, she made it by hand.

      Delete
  13. As I read these beautiful posts I am once again reminded of your kindness & gifts you offer the world...
    I am very sorry to hear about your mother. Please know that I am holding a special place in my heart for you.
    With tremendous love & sympathy,
    Kristin

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. aw kristin, i read your comment in the middle of my work day and how much i smiled. thank you. funny how we can pick up at any point; that's how it feels. i hope for you too.

      keep creating!

      love
      kj

      Delete
  14. Kj, Thinking of you and your family. Through all the Holidays and car craziness I have held you all in my mind sending love. Grace be with you. Giant hugs. xoxo
    P.S. an art piece out of that pocket book came to mind...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thanks so much, annie. I feel your support and accept it gratefully. i won't be surprised if this pocketbook takes on a life of its own….

      i hope that car trouble is now passed.

      love
      kj

      Delete
  15. I think it was only after my mum passed that I really started to see how like her I am. Almost as if she had to leave for me to find that part of her that lives inside me. I think your mom lives on in you KJ, I think that is the "softening" that you describe. much love to you and Happy New Year xx Jos

    ReplyDelete
  16. Blogging is the new poetry. I find it wonderful and amazing in many ways.

    ReplyDelete