Thursday, December 11, 2014

Sad


I took this photo about two weeks ago. This is my Mom. We didn't know then that her liver was failing; that today she would speak for maybe two minutes at a time and then fall back into a comfortable sleep.

We didn't know that today the nursing home and her doctor and hospice would be preparing us to lose her, any day now. 

My Mother is 98, a month short of 99. For almost a decade she has operated with a faulty memory that has held her smack in the present. And in the present, she is fully present. She is kind and fun and very dear. How anyone without a working memory can be so with it is beyond me. But she was and is. Ask anyone.

The head nurse at her nursing home told me tonight that all the staff is taking this hard. I know that must be true because they are coming to us, some crying, others volunteering stories of how much they care about her. They are checking in on her and fluffing her pillow and massaging her shoulders and legs and holding cups of ginger ale with straws for her. To a person, they are so kind.

In the next week, or perhaps two, I'm told to expect that my Mother's body will slowly shut down; that with the help of Morphine she remain comfortable and without pain. Today she is able to say I love you and to squeeze my hand and smile and say thank you to everyone who so lovingly comes in her room to care for her. 

I am both prepared and unprepared to lose my Mother. I am aware of the deepest love within me and I will have no regrets, a gift in itself. But god will I miss her. I won't miss the nursing home or doing her laundry or deciding to put off that trip to Italy, but I will miss my Mother for all of my life.

I know how lucky I am to have the privilege of loving her so much. 

If you don't mind, would you pray with me that she will die, if she must, in the gentlest way, hopefully with me with her, both of us knowing that the whole of her life was everything a good life should and could be.

I keep telling myself these tears are solely due to love. Which is true.

love
kj

55 comments:

  1. My heart is aching and breaking. She's had such a good long life I know. But I feel you all still need her. Sending my prayers and love and hugs.

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    1. Joss, thank you. I feel we still need her too. But her work is also done. She had sprinkled her love and life over us who love her and in that way we will carry her good life forward

      Thanks joss xo
      Love
      kj





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  2. I am really in tears. Many prayers of course for you but sad sad sad that we all have these losses in our lives. Having lost my dad at 95 there was an acceptance, and he'd had a good long life but oh I hated losing him and miss him to this day.
    Sending you and Janet much much love KJ and am thinking of you a lot. I hope you can feel my hugs. And know that I am sad with you. Prayers for your mom.

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    1. Mim, your comment means the world to me. I know you're with me on this. Our mothers ....our parents. We figure the loss will come but it is love wrapped in sadness

      Love
      kj

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  3. Oh kj! This is so sad. My heart breaks for you. Sending you hugs across the miles, and praying that this transition is gentle and peaceful for you all. Please give your sweet mom a tender little kiss on her forehead for me. Love you. xoxo

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    1. Thanks so much, twinkles xo
      I have kissed her for you. Today I think there is a strong chance this will be peaceful and I pray for that

      Love
      kj

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  4. I'm praying that your mother dies peacefully and with dignity. And I'm so sorry. It hurts, no matter what. Take care.

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    1. Thanks a million, deb. I know you know xo
      Love
      kj

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  5. Dear kj, I am so sad for you and yours and offering prayers for a gentle release.

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    1. Much much appreciated, my friend.
      Love
      kj

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  6. Dear kj, Prayers for you and yours. What a treasure to have such a long and special relationship with your Mom. Wishing you both a peaceful transition. Sharon

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    1. Thank you, Sharon. A treasure indeed xo. I will carry my Morher's spirit always

      Love
      kj

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  7. I am so sad to hear this. Your mom is such an inspiration...even now, she remembers to say thank you. She's passed on so many of her unique attributes to you, kj, and Jess, Janet and all the rest. She is such a great teacher. And now, it's perhaps, her last lesson...one that involves letting go with such grace.

    I will forever be grateful that, through you, your readers all got to share a bit of the treasure she truly is. She is truly remarkable.

    Sending reiki and loads of love...xoxo

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    1. I love you, Marion. Thank you. xoxo

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  8. Kj..I totally can relate and feel your pain and love. All the emotions running rampant inside. I do pray its soft and painless for this wonderful woman who brought up a wonderful woman. Dear friend I send all my love and prayers to you and your family. I also send a prayer to your moms guardian angels to comfort her and hold this precious sophisticated lady in their arms and keep her safe, loved, and painless.
    Love from me to you
    Sonia

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    1. Sonia, you and I know which senior angel will greet my Mother. Thank god for Renee.
      Thank you for your comforting words
      Love
      kj

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  9. I love what Marion said, that this is perhaps her last lesson. I've learned a lot from her from your postings here. She's an extraordinary woman who raised an extraordinary daughter. It's hard on those of us that are left behind, but I believe her transition will be smooth and her journey will be amazing with your dad waiting for her. I'm sure he's around her right now, waiting until she's ready, nudging her gently and reassuring her.
    I'm holding every one of you close to my heart. This will no doubt be an enormous loss but also a great life to celebrate.
    I'm here if you need me.

    Love,
    Lo xoxo

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    1. Lo, my Mother is a devout catholic and yet when my father died she questioned the existence of heaven, saying , but what if someone was married twice? How would they know who to go with?'

      Thanks for your friendship, lo. xoxo

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  10. I think I should have been more uplifting like everyone else is. I'm not too good at that!

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    1. Mim, your words were just right xo

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  11. Tears and love go together, keeping us in one piece, helping us accept the inevitable and mourn all the possibilities that are erased. May your mom slip into a serene dream; and you and your loved one bathe in the memories and love she embodies.

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    1. Thank you, rosaria. That image is comforting
      Love
      kj

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  12. My heart and my prayers are with you. KJ. I pray that your Mom will walk straight into heaven where a warm welcome awaits. Much love to you xx Jos

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    1. Much love to you too, jos. Always, my hiking buddy xoxo

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    2. One of the wonders of time zones is that I have the honour of praying whilst you sleep KJ. I hope you feel the love and care of your friends from around the world. I hope it helps to know that you are loved. Warmest hugs xx Jos

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  13. OH KJ, you love her so very much, she is love and you are love, god bless you both and all who are effected. I pray to with my heart that she's is pain free and leaves life in peace and love the very thing she is. Much much love to you dear friend at this time.

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    1. That you, Julie Ann. I can so easily imagine your angels carrying her home, and what a comfort that is

      Love
      kj

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  14. biggest hug and all my love Karen <3

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  15. I know of no way of comforting you even as I try to hold your hand and to offer you a shoulder, the silence of a friend who speaks volumes of understanding the pain, the finality of that last hug, but there is a reality that although of no comfort may hold you up because the only certainty I can offer you is that your heart will never be broken this way again.

    Each loss has its own seal, losing those we love are invisible scars in the spirit. While we cannot see them, they are there, and come up to the surface at the least expected moments. But with them comes also the memories, the longing and the realization of how incredibly fortunate we have been to have them in ours, and to be a part of their lives. Nothing really dies in the heart. We have an amazing gift within us to continue to love while the mind misses the presence, the here and now.

    Perhaps because love is eternal and pain is not? My heart goes to you, you have got an incredible gift in your Mother. Her going to the Elysian Fields is what she earned after a life well lived, and the gift of her presence and her wisdom in this world for those fortunate enough to have known her.

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    1. Allegra, how you appear when I need you most. Thank you always. You and I know special angels await.

      I am heartbroken. Almost 99 years and it still seems too soon! I write this beside my Mother, as she rests in peace

      I love you always, Allegra
      Karen

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  16. Dearest KJ - You and your mom are in my thoughts and prayers. Sending much love your way and to your dear, beautiful mother as well - what a magnificent photo. Offering prayers for a peaceful transition and blessings for her long and loving life.

    With love,

    Amanda
    xoxo

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    1. Thank you so much, Amanda.

      Love
      kj

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  17. Dear Karen,
    I know that you face a most difficult loss. I send you and your mother my love. She has given you much beautiful strength of character and ability to love. When she leaves, it will be the right time. I believe it's important to let her go with no attachment - just radiate love and communicate a quiet knowing that everything is fine, the way it is meant to be. You are beautiful compassionate person. I'm sure that your lovely mother bequeathed that to you.

    Sending love...
    Cynthia ((xx))

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  18. So much love and many prayers coming your way. Mine are tinged with the memory of how this was for me and my mother, how those final days were meant to prepare me but could not. I am truly without appropriate words, likely because your own struck so close to home for me, and not only mom-related....my dear 13-year-old dog, Bonbon, was diagnosed with liver disease three weeks ago and it does not appear that my efforts to save her will matter. Today, she is refusing food and sleeping by my side. When these two souls succumb to their final illnesses I like to think that they will meet. Bonbon will lick your mother's hand and your mother will speak tender words to her and each will be at peace.

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    1. Lydia, I am so sorry. In this way we will be again linked and for that I am grateful. I will whisper to my Mother to look for bonbon when that time comes and she will greet her joyfully. I know how much bonbon means to you. Love...

      xoxo
      kj

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  19. Thank you. Cynthia. Very wise and helpful words. My daughter comes tomorrow and I pray her tears are cushioned by a forever history of love
    xo

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  20. I'm glad Jess is coming.

    And He said: " I go to prepare a place for you, that where I am there ye may be also."
    Only He knows the hour, but it will be the right hour.
    I know you know I am praying. In His love, and in mine,
    Babs

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    1. Ah babs. You made me cry just now; these words and because you are here.

      I love you, my friend
      kj

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  21. Kj, Losing your mother will be hard, it is the hardest next to losing a child I imagine.
    You have been blessed to have had her in your life for so long, she has been blessed with a long life. I am praying for a peaceful passing. I am sending you love and hugs.
    It is hard, but you will get through it. Pray for grace. xoxo

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  22. Thank you, Annie. So much understanding and support here. It helps so much.

    Pray for grace. Yes, that's what to do. Thank you
    Love
    kj

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  23. P.S. Love and hugs to your dear mom too. xoxo

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  24. P.S.S. Grace got me through my mom's death and it will get you through too.
    Also each loss we have makes us deeper and richer inside. xoxo

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  25. annie, i know. almost 99 years. a life well lived. my mother who never complained a day in her life managed to raise a class complainer--oui :^)

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  26. No matter how old our parents are, we are never ready to say goodbye. We always need them. Sending love and the prayers you asked for.

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    1. beautifully said. and thank you.

      love
      kj

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  27. Kj, I woke up with you and your mom on my mind. There is something very important I forgot to tell you. This is something I can not prove, but something I know with my whole being, THERE IS NO DEATH. There is a change of form and for that we grieve.
    Also darling the only way with grief is through it. You already know that.
    I think that is all I have, I hope it helps a little. Love. xoxo

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  28. She must be in a good nursing home if the workers aren't too slammed to build relationships. I wish I had something else good to say.

    Love,
    Snow

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    1. snow,, she is in a very good nursing home. yes, it must be staffed right. i'm writing this at 10:13 tonight and I hear laughter outside my mother's room. some residents on this memory unit are still up. i hear the staff speaking gently and lightly with them. it was the same at the rest home where my mom was for five years. decent people who work hard and who care.

      love
      kj

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  29. The end of her life her on earth is near, but I think it is a comfort for you and your loved ones to see that she is very well cared and that she will go surrounded with love of people who will miss her. I wish you courage, dear!

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    1. yes, wieneke, it is a huge comfort, so much so the kindness i see here makes me cry. my Mother is so lucky, and she deserves nothing less.

      love
      kj

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  30. And with her passing
    did with her
    joy she will bring
    to the breaking heart
    for how could you not break
    in the pressence
    of one such as she
    it is in those breaks
    where the joy escapes
    and is found all over
    again
    isn't she lovely


    Wander

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    1. thank you, chris.

      yes, she is lovely. and yes, it's a heart break.

      love
      kj

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  31. Dear KJ, I am happy to pray for you and trust it will be answered beautifully. The end of a beautiful life for a lovely, lovely woman; and above all, a much-loved mother; deserves to be special. I pray it is so. You will miss your mother so much, I know. It will feel almost unbearable. In my case however, I have found that my mother is still around in many ways. I know that the comfort of your mother's presence will not completely leave you. xx Much love.

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    1. kay, i've thought of you these past few days. yesterday the impending loss did feel unbearable. it caught me by surprise. i am so glad to know you have found comfort through your Mother's presence, and I will love to know that will be also true for me.

      much love to you too, kay. i think of your fondly and always with love
      love
      kj

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