Monday, December 16, 2013

Not So


I cried this weekend. A lot. 

Christmas is my favorite season. I am energized by the hustle bustle and I delight in executing the giving part: I choose gifts thoughtfully and I bake and decorate give-away cookies and I reach out to people whose importance I too often fail to affirm.

JB and I have been arguing. Jess is on a work project and missing in action. I am such a small part of the kids' holiday festivities. 

I cried for all of this. What set it off was a tiff JB and I had in the paint store. Hurt feelings and rising anger over what type of paint to choose for the bathroom walls? Yes, just that. We are both astounded that neither of us can seem to foresee when we are going to overreact over stupid slights and frightened that we can't seem to figure out why this keeps happening. 

We're working on it. I move from feeling alone in the world to knowing that I am with someone who wants to work out problems as much as I do.  Hope strongly floats in a relationship that has lasted thirty years between two people who need not question their love for one another. But it's not easy either.

Sometimes Jess reads my blog so that part of my tears is more delicate. I know one thing: I will never ever want her to feel anything less than solid and at peace and good about our love for one another. We live two hours apart. This means I am not in the day-to-day life of her and Mike and the kids, and I am not on the immediate-help list when they need immediate help. This also means that sharing the holidays with my daughter and grandchildren is limited. I guess I realize that this season more than others. I'm sad I'm not sharing my just baked cookies or the Santa train at Look Park or the secret whispers and anticipations of Santa's arrival with them. JB and I could move closer, and I believe we would if asked or needed, but I don't think that feels right to any of us right now. If there is some middle ground solution to feeling more connected, I haven't found my part in it yet.

So I cried. For the better part of a day and night. My feelings welled up and the my tears wouldn't stop. My friend Renee, who died almost three years ago, as gracefully as a person ever could, called this kind of sadness "healing tears." 

I stopped crying too. I just stopped. JB and I talked and wrapped presents and went out to dinner and finished some shopping. We reaffirmed. As I write this, I know I am solely responsible for how I deal, how I feel, what I choose to do and how I choose to interpret what happens and what doesn't.

In part I am writing this post because I know it's important for everyone to know that none of us has a perfect life. At this time of year, when the message is to impossibly reach for an impossible perfection, I'm on record that I cried. 

And now I'm not.

love
kj

28 comments:

  1. The candor with which you share your true feelings has a way of healing not only yourself, but reaching out to others who find themselves in the same place and healing them too. This time of year is filled with lovely things, but it also can remind us of who is missing in our lives or how we should be happier when we just don't feel that way. Truly experiencing your emotions, as you do, and then letting them go affirms what you are feeling and allows it to evaporate and leave room for what you choose to come into your life. Strong couples can disagree, argue and learn from it so think how much you've learned over 30 years ~ goddess bless you both this holiday season♡

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    1. I wanted that, Amanda, to speak of something more universal than just myself.

      It was good for me to write this. I feel better. And today some uncertainties started moving. I wrapped stocking gifts. I made cookies. I ate cookies :-)

      Love
      kj

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  2. glad you have stopped crying. this is a season that to my mind brings up all kinds of feelings, not the least anger and tears. Be sure to be kind to you. Love, Suki

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    1. Deep emotions, suki: deep memories and deep hopes.

      I wish you a settled mind bathed in peace. You so deserve that. And I kinda wish you the caps cod ocean :-)

      Love
      kj

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  3. Oh the angst and joy of the season. Bound to bring tears, but I'm glad you stopped, and glad you got out to dinner and some shopping. Many hugs to you my dear friend. God bless you at Christmas and always.
    love Barbara

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    1. Thank you so much, Barbara. How are you doing? I hope so much that the year ahead is a strong and healthy one for you.

      What are your holiday plans?

      Love
      kj

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  4. ah poor baby - it's not easy is it? I too am glad you shared, and that you recognize the human condition, and that you dealt with the "healing tears". I have learned to put myself to bed when those types of feelings overwhelm, when mr. T says I am "scary" and the world is just too big and silly things set me off. It's truly a tough season for all it's joys.

    no fighting! kiss and make up.
    love and kisses mim

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    1. Well, you nailed that one, Mim! :-)

      No fighting. We kissed. But sometimes it comes from nowhere. You know...

      Happy new year ahead. I hope I see you more in 2014. But either way, I loves you :-)

      Love
      kj

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  5. Hey you... you do know that there is never anything wrong with crying...

    *huggles*

    ~shoes~

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    1. Hi red shoes. Thank you for coming by.

      I cried so much my eyes were puffed and red. I looked like hell. That part was bad for my constitution.

      But yeah. I know.

      xoxo
      Love
      kj

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  6. Life is hard, sometimes we make it hard and sometimes it's just hard. I've been crying a lot too. Sigh.

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    1. True, deb, true.

      I hope you don 't have to cry too much. You have a good man who loves you and that counts a lot. I'm glad I have JB.

      I get in trouble when I expect. I don't know why I don't consistently know by now to hang loose..

      Happy holidays my friend

      Love
      kj

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  7. "impossible perfection"
    Yep.
    it never is, and yet we expect it and are surprised and disappointed when it isn't.

    XOXO Babs

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    1. Aw babs, you've come when I need you :-) that is so nice. I know you get this, what I say here.

      I hope jack is bringing Santa Claus to you in one way or another.

      Love love
      kj

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  8. We get so bombarded with messages and images of the perfect Christmas, and yet it is a time of loneliness and sorrow and uncertainty for so many. Some years (this year) for me. Not that I'm not grateful for all the good in my life. I truly am. But I also know there is a place for the tears.

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  9. It seems to be a time of deep feelings and longings. I don't know if we are born to strive for that or our childhood beliefs live on.

    Cs , would you ever contact a former client to say happy holidays ? There are a couple of families I 'd like to say hello to and I know they would love that. And I know protocol doesn't support that

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  10. Thanks for your honesty KJ :) It has helped me today ... I can relate to it and I can apply it to me and where I find myself today. I wish you and JB a happy happy happy Christmas.

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    1. We must be walking the same road, Kay :-). Christmas has such weight for me. Today I learned my Jess will not be able to celebrate in our accustomed way because of a work demand. Now that I know that, I am determined to be more flexible . Not to would be so foolish

      As for arguing, heck, at the least at least I stand with my opinions :-)

      Take care of your good worthy self, Kay . I appreciate that you can relate

      Love
      kj

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  11. I am glad P Town uses lobster pots for its tree. Thank you for showing that to me.

    Be glad that you still can cry and have arguments break out over mundane trivial things and never worry so much about your physical presence in someone's life. It is no where near as important as your spiritual presence. Your daughter and you both know if mom was an absolute physical necessity mom would drive five hours through a blizzard to be there. You, if you stop and thin, are not missing out on anything as long as you are aware and known by them you are aware of.

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    1. Mark, you crack me up because you make perfect wise sense to me. Thank you. Keep reminding me, would you? :-)

      That holiday tree gets rebuilt every year; just one lobster trap atop another.

      Love
      kj

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  12. Holidays accentuate unhappiness. I hardly have family, but Peggy does. They're on the other side of the country, and they don't bother to send thank you notes for her gifts or even to return her phone calls (I wish I could be there when her will is read), so, no, Christmas isn't all about love and joy for me; it's about Peggy being hurt and me being livid.

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  13. That really sucks, snow. I would be livid too and in fact am at certain members of JB's family.

    Myself, my Mother did not speak beyond perfunctories for nine years and we somehow managed to not only get past that but have ended up with a irreplaceable precious love for one another

    Happy season, my friend. So good that you and Peggy have each other: not a tiny matter one bit

    Love
    kj

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  14. Wow. Naked.

    This is amazing and true. I think we blow up at the small things when the biggies are too much to handle.

    So, I don't have your mailing address and NEED it.
    Love to you and JB,

    S

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  15. Naked.... Do you do Facebook , Sharon? Almost everyone there puts a wonderful spin on their wonderful lives. I do too. But I'm a fan of misleading. I hope when I am honest here of helps someone else, because it surely helps me to put the words to paper

    I love you , Sharon honey :-) merry Christmas!

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  16. Kj, I should do that, I could use a good cry. I do sometimes feel that everyone is having a wonderful life, but I know we all have ups and downs. I try to be honest and not play up things. I can't even manage to get decorations out yet. I like Christmas, but long ago I gave up on the perfect holiday, things go much better if you do. xoxo

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  17. "Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything.
    Live the questions now.
    Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer."

    ~Rainer Maria Rilke

    Renee loved my description of crying and laughed at the image, so perhaps sharing it with you will have the same effect. To me crying is washing the soul. Some times there is too much dust and not the star kind either, to block the light and without light the soul shrinks, becomes smaller and sadder. Crying washes all that away and let the light in once again, then what seem so dark and without resolution shows itself for its real value: none.

    Merry Christmas dear, a spat is not a war and love as always, no matter what, when real will always win.

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  18. Sorry I have not been here for a while, but I had computerproblems. I have a new one now. I hope my comforting reaction is no longer necessary :-)
    We all are just humans, dearie.

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