Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Ready or Not


I love Christmas even when I can't.

I love the music, the scents, the lights, the gift giving (more than the getting), the baking and cooking, the get togethers, and an internal satisfied feeling inside me that switches on every year just before Thanksgiving.

Last May I stopped my work of five years; for the first time in my adult life, I would rely on a government social security check and no longer let income factor into most things I might choose.

In July I had knee surgery and all summer into fall I've been (re)learning to no longer hobble.

This week I went back to work, of sorts. I will consult for an industry where I feel at home and am regarded and respected. And in minutes I will leave for a board of directors meeting whee I have been invited to serve for the rest home where my mother lived for five years.

I am toying with developing personal growth workshops (again), maybe held in Provincetown with JB and I arranging accompanying meals for 8-10 people at a time.

I am well behind finishing my second book but it must not yet be time.

I now have four grandchildren ages six and under and I find that a blessing and a responsibility.  I am indescribably grateful for each of them. And for my Jess. And for her happy marriage to a good man.

Tonight I will write out a list of people I want to see during the Christmas holidays and experiences I wish to have. I am more ambitious this time of year: I design our holiday cards, I bake and decorate cookies and miniature cakes, I write, I shop, I putter, I straighten out my desk. 

Picture that my current life became a blank canvass early this summer. All of the above is filling that canvass with color and form and placement. Don't get me wrong: I'm unsure as much as I'm hopeful. I'm sixty six years old; I feel much younger; I feel wise and sure footed; and I know things could go very wrong in a flash. I know good people get sick and sometimes die. 

These nights I am falling asleep with reason to worry and reason to exalt. That's the way it is. And unlike my past selfs, I am thinking less and ambivilizing (my own made up word!) less. I have time to use in a different way, without a fixed schedule and with advance thoughtfulness.

So not tonight after all, but tomorrow, I will write out my hopes and plans for my holiday. I'll start with cooking a turkey and making an apple pie for Thanksgiving. 

I'll remind myself to think less and live more. I will say thank you even if that simple act is in reality not quite so simple.

love
kj


23 comments:

  1. You've had an eventful year, that's for sure.

    I'm a believer in gratitude, especially when I'm feeling a little lost. On my last birthday, I started keeping a weekly gratitude journal. Every Sunday, I just write a paragraph of things I've been thankful for in the past week. It's a good review and a reminder to me of how rich my life is.

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    1. hi cs! i totally agree, however, i admit that over the top inspirational posts and sayings on FB and sometimes here on our blogs leave me shaking my head. life is grand and there are so many reasons to appreciate and rejoice, but it's also damn tough and unexpected and unfair sometimes. i'm glad i'm accepting that too without getting to stuck on things that sadden me. this is abit new for me, even though i'm a dna optimist :^)

      love
      kj

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  2. My goodness, you do have a busy life. Just reading about it wears me out. I hope you keep having a wonderful time!

    Blessings and Bear hugs!

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    1. hi rob, i'm often confused when my life is seen as exhausting. what do you and other people do with time? i relax well, i selfishly guard my priorities, and i do what i do. sometimes i think if i push myself i don't know it!

      love
      kj

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  3. u know, we have a festival in India called Diwali. its a lot like Christmas - big family affair, we meet ppl, exchange gifts, have rituals, prayers etc. Diwali just passed here in India, and your post made me nostalgic again.

    Loved that bit about feeling sure footed and ur wisdom. This is a layered post, but one that left me feeling happy happy.. :)

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    1. i love hearing from you, hdwk (ha, my spellcheck always wants to call you 'hawk')! your comment about this post being layered made me feel great, because that's quite accurately how i see it too.

      love always!
      kj

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  4. I love tumult, family, friends, food cooking, baking etc etc etc. I am taking a day off to play with you on day soon OK?

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  5. Seeing as for over ten years the wife has worked well into the evening on every hliday they ALL have simply become a square on the calendar..I do hope you enjoy yours such as you kae it. Me, the two dogs, will be sharinf meds, oeanut butter and grilled cheese.

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    1. Mark, you could make stuffing and cook a 12 pound turkey and surprise your hard working wife and grateful
      Dogs :-)

      Love
      kj

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    2. Why risk the house to fire and my soul to an angry wife for using her storage unit that once was an oven?

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    3. Hahaha mark. Okay, I stand corrected :-)

      So how about a precooked honey baked ham with scalloped potatoes ? ( spellcheck first said scalloped orators, I swear)

      In any case, you are a blessing xo

      Love
      kj

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  6. i hope you would have finished your list of people and things by now :) wish you have a great time and a great xmas :) stay blessed

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    1. Same to you, good sir. :-) nice to see you here , how are you?

      Love
      kj

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  7. no chance to read your post, just wanted to say hi...and thankyou

    Chris

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    1. Chris, missing you and hoping for your speedy return. It's those fab poems

      Love
      kj

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  8. What an amazing year it has been for you. Ups and downs, lows and highs, stumbles and near falls, getting ups and moving forwards. And in the end so much to be grateful for- so much to be happy about. I envy you and I admire you. And I feel blessed to call you my friend. Good luck with all your new endeavours. You know what they say 'you can't keep a good woman down!!'. xxx

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    1. And, could I be any prouder or happier for you, joss? !

      Thank you always for your cheer and support. Life gets rocky and it gets astonishing too--the full catastrophe !

      Love always
      kj

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  9. What a year, right? Mine has been all over the map. And I'm ready to focus on some very important rituals - like baking cookies, and watching Christmas movies, and going for walks. Trying to be mindful of it all. :) Happy Thanksgiving, my friend! xo

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    1. I am ready for the same as you :-) glad to be sharing it with you :-)

      Love
      kj

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  10. Shucks, I thought life was about squirreling away crayons for ones heirs. If your advice about using the whole box gets out, there are sure going to be a lot of unhappy heirs.

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  11. Unless in fending for themselves they get to choose their own crayons :-)

    Which I have a feeling is a good way for it to work

    :-)

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