Friday, August 30, 2013

My Favorite Poem I've Ever Written























I am surprised but I just about if not actually cry every time I read this. I am pretty proud of this poem. 
love
kj

Astonishment:

If I were dying tonight,
Lying in my bed with plastic tubes and half-filled bottles
on the small table nearby 
and bedpans and oxygen there to diminish any shame, 
Perhaps forcing my breaths
with the strength of a desperate parent
who implausibly and frantically lifts two tons 
of mangled steel off a broken daughter—
If I were dying tonight and I wished to tell you
What will astonish you,
I would tell you this:

Be sure to notice white flowers in the moonlight, 
Because the softened glow is like no other.

Appreciate the lingering scent of garlic on your fingers, 
Because healing is possible from that alone.

Tell the truth when it matters least
Because then you will be sure there is another honest person in the world.

Always spend the extra money for dimmers
Because light that builds in intensity and then gently fades is 
 good for your spirit.

Over and over, ask yourself, “What is the lesson here?”
Because then you will forever be a student and never a victim

Never believe for a moment that the world is going to hell
Because you only need to love outside yourself to know better. 

If I were dying tonight, I would tell you all this
Because astonishment is brethren to curiosity,
Which leads to observation,
And dedication,
And finally appreciation.

If I were dying tonight, perhaps there would only be minutes,
Perhaps only seconds, 
To tell you that I will leave with all the love
I have ever felt, and ever given.
I will take it all with me, tucked under my angel wing—
The accumulation of grace from every breath I have ever taken.

Here’s what’s astonishing:  I will also leave all that love behind, 
It will be imbedded in my daughter’s stunning light and my partner’s quiet 
courage,
It will guide my friends and coworkers when the layoff comes. 
My brother will remember how I tried to do my share
And Joey will find someone else like me to help him tame his fears.
Even the woman at the grocery store that day I let her go ahead of me—
will remember how we were both comforted from that simple act.

If I were dying tonight, I would also tell you
That within, under, because of, and from the little moments 
Comes all the wonder and astonishment you could ever hope for.
The little moments that aren’t so little.
I would tell you to let those moments astonish you.
I would tell you this because it is all you need to know.

26 comments:

  1. you have very good reason to be moved. and now i do too:)

    xo
    erin

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    1. Thank you Erin; always nice to hear from you
      Love
      kj

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  2. You made me cry. A lovely, sad, thoughtful poem. I had a patient yesterday, not much older than me. He started seizing. He knows. He knows that his cancer has spread to his brain. He knows his time is coming and I can only be there as a witness. I cared for him.

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    1. Deb, witnessing matters so much. The medical folks who helped my Father were such a comfort to him and my family, not just by their care but by their caring.

      Good for you, no surprise
      Love
      kj

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    2. I'm glad you got that message out now instead of later. :)

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    3. Barbara, did I overlook my response to your comment? Yes, I agree: now is better than later
      Love
      kj

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  3. This reminds me of Renee. Lots of things remind me of her. Loved her. Love you too- and your talent is awesome, absolutely awesome.

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    1. I know, joss. I actually wrote this when my BFF friend Willa was dying but like you there 's not a day that goes by that I don't think of Renee.

      Thank you for your love and appreciation: the feeling is mutual

      Love
      kj

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  4. this is so beautiful Karen. And a masterly feel to it of wisdom and confidence

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    1. From you, suki: thank you so much. Your opinion is right up there in my book xo

      Love
      kj

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  5. This is really beautiful, KJ. Having been close a few times I often think I need to be more mindful of the potential for a shortened time frame and yet...I still find myself taking such advantage of it...I often think what should I be taking/learning from an experience but boy do I need more practice...This is a really lovely reminder to be gentle with myself but vigilant in that quest. Thanks for sharing it.

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  6. More practice in what , Zoe? If you mean in living, I pretty sure you have all you need. I know you SEE.

    I wish I understood more of what you are saying here. I wish I knew you better so I would understand. But yes, be gentle with yourself!!! Be damn gentle!!!

    Love
    kj

    Ps thanks for liking my poem xo

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    1. just need to be more cognizant of the important stuff... =)

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  7. I thought I would come over and have a look-see at your blog after your very nice comment about me on Snowbrush's blog. (Note: I am not a she making her point, I am a he making his point.)

    Your poem is lovely, insightful, moving, I can't find the words.

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    1. Ah mr rhymeswithplague, that is not a mistake I will make again! Thank you for taking no offense.

      And thank you for visiting me here. I hope you will come again

      Love
      kj

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  8. I could only wish all dying was of that nature. Sadly it is not. some die alone, with no one to hear their last gifts.

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    1. Mark, in writing this I was very aware that we each die alone (well, besides for being escorted by angels in some form). I've seen too many people in their last moments and seconds to think otherwise. We pull inward and we prepare on our own
      By necessity leaving those who may or may not be around us

      And those last gifts: I think they best be given in the world of the living.

      Love
      kj

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  9. kj,

    tears came to my eyes as i read these final stanzas. this is life affirming; how blessed you are to give birth to such words that are so real and true. should we all be so blessed to know these moments, to treasure these moments as the heartbeat of life itself.

    with love,

    amanda

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    1. Amanda, thank you so much for feeling this poem. Not that I manage to live with such knowledge and perspective but in some moments the little things are so clearly everything
      Xo

      Ps how is the book coming?

      Love
      kj

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  10. That is absolutely beautiful. You should print it out and have it framed. Glad you are recovering slowly - you certainly have had some major changes in your life in the last few months. I admire your strength. Keep looking for what is beautiful each day. :)

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  11. Thanks Kay. I'm glad you read this poem of mine xo

    I am doing alittle better each day. This morning I cut back the roses in front of the house, which felt great. I don't like the pain and stiffness because it cramps my style :-) but really I have much to be thankful for (as do you)

    Always like to hear from you, Kay
    Love
    kj

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  12. I know that some of my posts are depressing, but I found this to be a worthy competitor because what struck me most about it was the indignity, the inevitability, the sterile setting, and the permanence, of dying.

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    1. Snow, I took the description of the death scene from my friend Willa's bedside and it was not sterile because her courage acceptance and love trumped everything else

      I don't want to die, that's for sure. But what I want most of all is to live in the best way I can

      Love
      kj

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