I should not be writing. It's after midnight and I have a long day of work tomorrow. After tomorrow, I will have three weeks left of the job I have had for five years. I am saying goodbye to clients and colleagues with mixed emotions. I'm so glad to leave--no more hours of writing reports and so much paperwork and no more having to be reliable, but my heart will hurt to say goodbye. It's been great work.
I am currently in the midst of swirling high winds. So much wonderful news: my Jessica will soon give birth; she and Mike and the boys are moving into a forever dream house; JB and I are over the moon with our own dream house. Want to see it again? Oh, of course, certainly :^)
All of this is a clear transition for me. I won't move from my present house to this one, but someday I think JB and I will live here. Someday I think JB and I will be super duper happy here.
Boy do I have reasons to be happy. But I am also in the swirling winds of stress. JB's been sick, I tore a ligament in my knee (too much weight; there, I admitted it). To afford this house we have to sell our condo (very stressful, no bites yet). Pressure.
And my Mother.....Today I learned she will have to leave the rest home that has cared for her with such love and dignity. They cannot take care of her needs. She no longer walks but forgets so she tries to walk and falls. She is not always in reality now, sometimes looking for her deceased sisters and Mother.
I worry for my Mother. I have tried for the last five years to be present for her and I've made decisions to stay nearby for that reason. But sometimes, more so now when so much is going on, I feel trapped. No trip to Alaska with JB. No staying in this new house for more than a few days at a time. No looking ahead to a daily life that is about writing and gardening and spending time with my grandchildren and fixing up this new house. Learning new thing. Having a small boat. Writing my books.
My Mother can't live with us. I know that. Her needs are too great. I wouldn't sleep. I can't handle the personal care required. I look in her eyes and I know I will sacrifice so she is not alone and not afraid. But I feel bad for myself. There's not time to soak in the blessings. A confusing transition so far. That much I know.
Am I whining? No. Just putting words down here. Which is what I want to do. Even this blog may have to change. If it's not authentically about me and what I know and see and feel and hope for, it's not worth the effort. That much I also know.