Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Whirlwind


Maybe you can see that on the porch in the winter months there is a view of the bay across the street. JB and I are buying a house in Provincetown, a house that we will probably settle into one day and where my daughter and son-in-law and grandsons can come and make themselves at home. 

The thought of owning our own house in a coastal town where single family homes are at a premium has been exhilerating for us. But it has not been an easy ride. We are emeshed in the land of high finance and capital gains and complicated loans. I know: what a petty reason to complain when many cannot afford one house, let alone two. (Actually we can't afford two either, but as long as my Mother resides in a good rest home down the road, my primary residence must stay put.)

I am trying to speak a financial language I know nothing about: reverse exchanges and cash out refi's and conventional and unconventional loans and on and on. The mortgage guy we've trusted for years dropped the ball on this one, and we've had to scurry, fearful that we could lose the only perfect house we can afford.

It should be okay. But not yet and not without angst. I could wring a neck. I won't say who, but if that fricking commitment letter doesn't arrive in the next half hour, I'll be screeching.

Meanwhile, I am sitting at my desk and something snaps in my knee. I mean snaps! Torn minincus. I am on crutches, walking without grace or agility. Walking as little as possible.

Meanwhile, a favorite niece is arriving from Seattle tonight at midnight for a few days because she's had a tough time and needs support. No vicodin pain meds for me. I need to be present.

Meanwhile, my daughter Jess and her family have found the house of a lifetime: a Victorian that is as beautiful and warm a house as I have ever seen. Every part of me is in full prayer that this will go well for them; that it will be easier than our surrey through the purchase and sale of a house. 

Meanwhile, my Mother is doing well some days and hallucinating others. She is at risk of falling because she tries to walk when she cannot. 

Meanwhile, I have decided to stop my work as a psychotherapist by the end of May. I have one more mini career in me (more on that some other time) but it's been hell telling my clients I will be leaving. 

Okay. That's all. How am I doing?

Well, it's been crazy. So many good reasons to look ahead with so much gratitude. But jeez louise. My head spins. Not a quiet moment. Not able to work this week when I wish I could have. Not able to settle into the look of the future.

This is a post all about me. I am writing it for my own good. No sympathy needed :^) 

Maybe I'm just affirming, and sharing, that life can be a bitch and a half even through the good times. Maybe it's helpful to know that, to accept that, to curse it, to BREATHE through the smoke.

Thanks guys!

love
kj



32 comments:

  1. Holy moly, KJ. Not the knee! Well, life is never ever dull is it? Sometimes I wish it were. A couple of calm, dull weeks with no upsets of any kind. I will keep my fingers crossed that everything works out for everyone. And send hugs to all - xox

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  2. Meanwhile...meanwhile...

    So much living happening in the meanwhile :) I swear I pulled my thigh muscle sitting. SITTING!!! I certainly wasn't doing anything else. OMG! Really? Am I that old? Meanwhile, I am working, writing, living through it, and seeing through smoke :) Air is clearing KJ!

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    1. Same with me, Annie. I was just sitting in a chair looking pretty!

      Thank you for an uplifting reminder. You've said it so well

      Love
      kj

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  3. oh my oh my!!! our lovely peaceful dinner seems years ago. A torn meniscus? oh my!!! how the hell did that happen? and last I hear everything was going roses about the mortgage so I feel for you and am worried and upset! I hope it is all working out. and Jess and family moving and things happening - oh my oh my. sending many hugs and best wishes and healing thoughts. I've been there, it'll all work out - it will

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    1. Oh Mim .... It 's been a crazy time for sure. I keep telling myself there will be a happy end in sight. I am über unhappy about my knee! And how about you--all better?

      Can't wAit to hear about the party and the birthday girl. I'll bet memories forever xoxo

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  4. oh dear oh dear oh dear kj, please take good care. remember ice and heat for the knee, and maybe half dose of pain med, you'll be present still. oh i hope all the house (confusing) stuff gets sorted soon and it is all yours, it looks AMAZING! i agree with mim, everythings going to be okay, it will!

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    1. Crazy happenings Lori :/) I'm leaning into simple too much be be handling all this high finance! Thanks for the warm wishes. I can feel them from here


      kj

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  5. Kj...how to eat an elephant...with a lot of soy sauce... ;-) you are a good woman, just do your best...that's pretty dam good!

    Wander

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    1. Ah hello mr wander! Nice to have you back :-)

      Thanks Chris. Actually yesterday when I wrote this I was grateful for my blog. It's nice sometimes to publicly whine :/)

      Love
      kj

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  6. What a lot is going on at the same time but after the storm is gone things will be bright.
    The knee is a sign to take it easy. Too bad your body picked this way to tell you :(
    But getting a new home is exiting and your daughter gets a lovely one too. Yes complicated financial matters but eh... that will be solved also in time.
    You take care and relax in the eye of the whirlwind.........
    ♥M

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    Replies
    1. Wise advice and reminder, Marianne. Thank you always xo

      Love
      kj

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  7. hey cool on finding a new mini career....smiles...have fun with that....been there and doing that....it does stink staying goodbye though....ouch on the knee though...

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    1. Hi Brian, my next (mini) career is exciting. I have to make sure I finish this (major) novel first

      All good. I'm hoping my knee decides to get better with just alittle help and no surgical cuts!

      I hope all is well with you, Brian. I owe you visits xo

      Love
      kj

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  8. Prayers rising for a quick closing on your new home. I know that feeling of anxiety until you finally sign on the dotted line. Every day I say to my Brawny Man, look at us living here in our little home....God did it.

    There are some truly difficult times in life when it is really hard to find Joy in a day. I literally sat in a chair for a month after my Mom passed. Sometimes there is Just Too Much loss going on, but then I see Babycakes smile and am assured that all is well; this IS life. The hummingbirds come to the feeder, the geraniums bloom like crazy, the living live.

    Isn't it just awful that one's body can reach of point of breaking while just SITTING!!! Happened to my friend, stress fracture in her foot from standing!

    **happy smiles** on your new mini career!!! One can be many things in life, just not all at the same time. So there! Isn't life grand after all!!! Big Love to you, Deb

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    1. Deb, your comment is super appreciated. I am of the hard earned opinion that life is hard and unpredictable and when we bend and flow, it's easier. Like you, I don't usually miss precious moments and I cherish the people and opportunities that surround me.

      All that said, what's happened to coasting?!! I want a chunk of time that is easy peasy.

      Love to you always deb
      kj

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  9. Nothing like getting all tense over buying a nice, relaxing vacation home, eh? Or least a vacation home until you make it your full-time home. Peggy will envy you your retirement as she has another 13 months to go after May when you hang up your boots and whips and whatever else a shrink uses in her daily grind. She will be taking her own retirement on her 63rd birthday, but she's been at 20 hours (a week) for two or three years now, so it's not so intense as it was.

    "No vicodin pain meds for me. I need to be present."

    You're confused, and since I know a lot about such things, I'll straighten you out. Narcotics don't actually prevent you from being present (I mean, it's hardly like you float out of the room), they simply keep you from KNOWING that you are present (or at least caring that you are present). This is not so small a distinction as it might at first appear.

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    1. Hello mr clever wise guy :-)

      If I'm retiring I am not yet aware of it! I think I'm more likely transitioning, and what I most hope is that I will have a new flexibility in how I spend my time.

      Interesting clarification on Vicodin , snow :-)
      So far I've taken it twice, at night, to sleep. Which I have. Without pain.

      My niece and I are talking non stop into the night. We both like that :-)

      Love
      kj

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    2. I'm so happy it works for you. It's a mild narcotic (contains acetaminophen and hydrocodone), but mild is good when it comes to narcotics because it doesn't matter what you take, if you take a fair amount of it for a week or two, you'll need something stronger. Sleeping pills are also really good for getting your rest when you're in pain. You know about Colace, right? Narcotics are extremely constipating, so if you take much at all, you will need Colace.

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  10. wow. talk about spring. you are springing up and down and around for sure, even on your wounded knee. sorry about the house glitch. hope it all works out. it looks like a sweet place and has a sweet view and porch too. hope the visit with your goes well. kind of you to have her visit. take care of you. love, suki

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  11. Aw suki, no pain no gain, right? Excited about the future, worried about $, smart enough hopefully to make it all work .

    Been thinking about you. Things settling down okay?

    Love
    kj

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  12. Kj, So sorry about your knee! Perhaps a message to SLOW down, jeez :-). I hope everything goes well with the house, relax and it will go better.
    Lucky duck, remember that.
    I am glad you are quitting your job, I have felt this coming for a while.
    Have a great week and no worries, trust.
    Love. xoxo

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  13. Thank you thank you Annie! Have you been reading tea leaves? :-)

    I'm raising my coffee mug to both of us xoxo
    kj

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    1. Kj, No tea leaf reading, I just know things and feel them :-), more for others than myself, darn. My mug is raised.
      xoxo

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  14. Sympathy nonetheless. And I'm sure in the end it will be worth the angst.

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  15. kj, after reading the above i am convinced that is all the more reason for you and jb to have the house in provincetown. this will be a place where you can count on getting peace, quiet and the restorative rest you need. so glad to hear your mom is stable and doing well.

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  16. Amanda, yup. It feels right .

    Love
    kj

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