Saturday, March 30, 2013

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 Sadie died last night.

A decade ago she arrived from the woods of Missouri, at first so catatonic that Jess and Mike would hold her in their arms and she wouldn't dare move. Beagles are the gentlest of dogs and they rarely fight back when harmed. And shelter dogs come with neglected and traumatic histories. But over time they make their gratitude clear and such was the case with Sadie. She would have nightmares from time to time, but she fit into the family of Jess and Mike with adorable quiet wonderful charm.

She had been sick, but she was not expected to die. We shudder with sadness. To my daughter and son-in-law and three little boys who are Sadie's family, she will live in your heart. And ours. Always. 


In life there is no getting around loss. It is finally Spring in New England. In just two days the crocuses have opened,  pansies are planted, the sky is no longer dark at five o'clock. Here at # 9 it's time to (gladly) turn to the yard. Two days ago, we began with this tree. Last year a tree specialist told us what could not be prevented: it will die. We could buy several years by cutting out infested areas including the center branch. He did that and then installed wires to hold its width together. 

But this winter a six inch wide six inch deep hole appeared; woodpeckers knowing full well the trunk is soft and vulnerable. The picture you see is the aftermath of Mr. Tree Specialist cutting out more infestation. 

We feel terrible for this tree. It is huge and old and stately. But it will die. We are doing our best to provide care for as long as it will benefit and we can afford, but there is a reality that must be faced. Everyday, it will die a little more until there is no care to be had.

I hope we will not be living here when that time comes. 

Which brings me to another truth. Life goes on. Good things happen too.

Eight years ago JB and I and Jess and Mike bought our houses at the same time. Now, we are by some co-incidence, doing that again.  

Jess and Mike have found the house of their dreams. I think they will raise their children there and stay put in this historic warmth for perhaps their lifetimes. The thought of my daughter and her family living here gives me such comfort. Huge comfort. 
And JB and me....

We may settle here at some point, in Provincetown, just a block from the bay, in a simple house large enough to welcome others;  our families, our friends. 


The yard is the size of a postage stamp. I will be able to keep up with it and I will be able to put my own postage stamp of design and creativity to selected shrubs and perennials and of course zinnias and a few tomato plants. And at some point, not yet, I will create a daily schedule to my liking: I will write and walk the beach and teach little boys about life near the sea and perhaps I will design and hold some workshops here. 

I will do all this as long as time and circumstance allow. 

 Sadie died last night. And like that tree my Mother is withering, not by her choice. And I have a friend who has miserable cancer and it sucks. Sometimes things don't go well. 

And sometimes they do. That is life.  Affirmations and positive thinking and good wishes may or may not help--I don't really know--but I can't numb my way through living or dying. I can't and I won't.

Wishing you the best, always
love
kj

21 comments:

  1. Thinking thinking thinking of you. Much.
    xoxo
    mim

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  2. To two of my dearest most special friends: ♥

    Together strong

    Love
    ms kj

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  3. kj,
    I'm sorry for dear Sadie's death. What a sweetheart she must have been.
    I'm not sure what else I could say here, I just feel a sadness, but also there is such hope as well in this post.
    Hugs,
    Brenda

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    1. Thank you, Brenda. Thank you for noticing the hope. I carry hope, whatever the weight. My DNA is designed that way

      Happy Easter!

      Love
      kj

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  4. So sorry for Sadie and for Jess and her family to go through this....
    Beagles are indeed gentle.That's why they are used for testing products so much..... :(
    I love both new houses! Indeed good and sad things happen and having a friend seeing battling cancer is awful...
    But you have to stay positive no matter what just to hang in there and enjoy the good things on your path
    ♥M

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    1. Marianne, I tend to whine when overwhelmed . After I wrote this post, JB has come down with a cold/flu. We are almost grinning at our current misfortuned state of affairs!

      But still, it is spring now and I look ahead with excitement. This is the way you do it too, eh?

      With much love
      kj

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  5. One can only live in the space they are allotted with the people and creatures that inhabit that space for as long as they can. That you have found sadness is normal and that you yet see joy is exceptional. I doubt numb has ever been much used in your vocabulary kj.

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    1. Probably the best and most valued comment left for me in my history of blogging

      Smooch, mark

      Love
      kj

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  6. sorry about Sadie. so sad when a beloved pet dies. And your dear Mom. Still clicking. Life is so strange sometimes. Hope all works out as you forsee for you and your new house. And Jess' new house is fabulous. I always wanted a house like that when I was younger. Be well, suki

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    1. Suki, when I crave predictability something is definitely off!!!!

      I complicate matters for myself because I invite change to the table. But when those I love so much hurt I hurt too. I think that is a condition of love.

      Happy Easter my friend. I hope you have the same bright sun outside that I do this morning

      Love
      kj

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  7. Oh, what a sweet-faced pup. I'm sorry. Life, death, new life. It's' the Easter story. And no way to avoid the grief if you embrace the life.

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    1. yes....

      sometimes i roll my eyes at all the affirmations and positive ohms i see on FB and the blogs. it's actually up down and up again. not recognizing the downs as the path to the ups is asking for double trouble.

      go forth and have a good christian day, cs :^)

      love
      kj

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  8. I had two beagles in my previous life, a mother and son. I miss them still but couldn't keep them once I had to start working full time. They are lovely dogs, relentless and gentle.

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    1. they are the best dogs! gentle beyond gentle.

      happy easter deb

      love
      kj

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  9. So sorry about Sadie. She looks like a real sweetie. Your daughter's house is wonderful! How exciting for all. I think you will enjoy your little property. Sometimes I miss my pond and gardens, but not really the work. I'm a pot gardener now. Leaves more time for a balanced life.

    Happy Easter! Love, Deb

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  10. I'm so sad to hear that Sadie died, and I'm sad about your tree too. I also have an old and sickly tree that I can either watch die slowly or go ahead and take it down.

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  11. Run free sadie. rest in peaceful meadows♥

    You know I love both houses. Good fortune is always a bright beacon when sad times hit. I can see the boys (and a new dog one day) tearing around that enormous home!

    I'm sick as a dog. Can't talk because I have coughing fits. It feels like an elephant is sitting on my chest. I'm not going to work tomorrow or the next few days. I need to heal.

    I hope JB feels better soon too.

    xo
    Lo♥♥

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  12. Kj, I am so sorry about Sadie. She looks like she was such a sweet dog. Endings and beginnings. Life is bittersweet. I love both of the new houses, and I know that many wonderful memories will be built in each. Hugs all around - xox

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  13. Kj, I am so sorry about dear Sadie and that wonderful tree.
    Sometimes life sucks no getting around or over it. I think it is a wonderful thing to be positive, but you have to feel your true feelings and death is sad.
    Both houses are wonderful!
    We always get the good with the bad, it keeps things in balance.
    Hugs.
    xoxo

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  14. The heartache of losing a dog is hard enough for us, imagine what it is like for kids... poor little boys. RIP Sadie.

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