I am too busy to take the time. I am not unkind, but if I try to work out a wrong, yours or mine, and you skate away on thin ice, I won't stand there freezing by myself; for what purpose?
I wasn't always like this. For many years I worked hard, very hard, to be liked, to charm, to nuzzle in. Hell, I was voted Personality Plus in my high school of 660 kids. That took work on my part. Only once did I clearly screw up: I made a joke in history class that embarrassed Ingrid I don't remember her last name, because she was overweight and I called attention to that. No, I screwed up a second time too: I hurt my fragile friend because I wanted her to work harder but in the end I suffered because she said no and goodbye. I miss her to this day.
I am seeing all kinds of words and resolutions and affirmations for the new year. Maybe because I've welcomed the new year with the grumble of a temperature and a cough, but I can't seem to box myself in that way, even if it might inspire me. Because I think it won't.
This is going to be a transition year for me. I am going to stop working the way I've worked for my whole adult career. I am going to have and use time differently. I think too my heart, which has suffered for what I must face as unworthy reasons, may finally flutter free; and if I'm lucky, maybe even with no twinge of anything bitter. And I will know children: four who look to me in an inner circle they and I know is family.
There are parts of my life that are so uncomplicated even my breathing has the right rhythm. My daughter for one: how much I love her. How easily I would sacrifice for her. How proud I am to witness who she is, what she does, how she lives. She is a Mother now. She loves her husband. I am in awe of her. How could anything feel better than that?
And JB. She is making me cappuccino right now. We have one more house in us, I tell her. I may have one more job in me, perhaps, not counting writing which has transcended work and is just what I do, what I have to do, what I am privileged to do.
A word for the new year? I have no idea. Oh, maybe this: don't expect me to waste my time. I want no false friends and I will step away from them. I carry no false pride and I am comfortably defiant. I will not tolerate and I will rail against abuse of animals or children or a mean spiritedness by politicians who should know better. Some things I'm just clear about.
No bullshit. Not this year. That's it! That's my word!