Monday, January 21, 2013

Thoughts on a Quiet Night


Do you believe in coincidence? Or more to the point, do you believe in synchronicity? 

One by one I took the bulbs, the ornaments, the lights off this Christmas tree. I checked and double checked. It was not until JB arrived home that night that she pointed to this one tin heart. How could I have possibly missed it? And what did it mean, of all the ornaments on the tree, that this one, this little  heart, was hidden to me and then lickity-split in plain view?


JB has a new friend. Her name is Peaches and she dances. She also steals cookies. If you don't know already, there is this remarkable talented woman named Pam who also goes by the name of Yoborobo --whose plushies like Peaches make a person sing. Ms. Yoborobo has become a dear friend to me and many, with damn good reason.


JB lost her sister twelve years ago to $#@*& cancer. This week her brother-in-law died too. Unexpected and so sad, we traveled to the desert, arriving no more than forty minutes before he died, at home, aided and cared for by his two daughters. To be orphaned before you turn thirty years old? What universe dares to think that is fair? I look at this chair and I am reminded how fleeting and fragile life is. 

Don't Postpone Joy. I know this is trite and it is also true. He could be sitting in this chair. Two weeks ago he was. The line is so thin. Be kind, yes, but while you can, be outrageous too. Love outrageously. That's my free advice.


What incredible patterns in the land below. Where do all these squares and circles come from? I can't fathom it.




The Arizona desert is so different from my New England. There is a stark simplicity to it all. 

And there is authentic Mexican food. My heart flutters. There is no meal I like more. Except my orgasmic Mr. Sushi. 


I traveled home alone. JB has stayed another week to help her nieces. The day after Christmas, I got sick and I stayed sick for two plus weeks. Before that the holidays were lovely and hectic. So here I am now, home alone, gratefully, in a quiet place, just our dog and me. It is a silence I have needed. I've been able to write, to fall in and out of bed when I wish. I made beef stew in the crock pot. I've watched the Presidential Inauguration. I called friends. Wrote some cards. Prayed that fucking cancer starts losing the battle every time.


I've been thinking. It's taken me four years to get over a hurt that I couldn't seem to let go of. Four years; it might even be five. I wonder what that says about me? Here's one conclusion I've come to: there's no helpful fault line. There's nothing wrong with me. I'm not perfect, but I lean on the side of kind and vibrant. I like me that way, Maybe I chose the wrong person, maybe I had some lessons to learn. Maybe even some gifts were given and taken. Maybe whatever happened happened because kicking and screaming I've been enriched by it. 

Our human condition... 

Don't Postpone Joy.

love
kj


44 comments:

  1. kj,
    It sounds like a difficult time for jb's nieces, indeed.
    My aunt died from cancer in the same year that Mom died, and I remember that sense of a big hole where they once were.
    And yes, her nieces are very young, to lose both parents so sadly.
    It's good to hear that you're feeling recovered from being sick - was it the flue?
    It's also good to hear that you're taking time to relax, and restore.
    You words here are very wise!
    Brenda

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    1. Yes Brenda, the snarly flu. Blah!

      People we love take permanent residence. That's probably the hole you speak of

      Love
      kj

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  2. Don't postpone joy .... yes that is good (free) advice.

    The heart heals at it's own pace KJ ... that is my own (free) advice!

    Oh and I must tell you, we have SNOW!!!! Now maybe snow is not newsworthy in wintertime but here in deepest Wiltshire it certainly is. I have been sledding with the boys, snowman building too. Yay to JOY!!!! Much love to you xx Jos

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    1. Very good free advice, jos!

      Happy for your snow. Not happy for mine.
      It is do cold tonight. I keep thinking I'm so lucky to be cozy. Have fun rolling snowballs down hill :-)

      Love
      kj

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  3. Hey...I'm so sorry to hear about this - how tough. We too had a death in the family right after Christmas and are still struggling with the aftermath of shock and disbelief and sadness. I try so hard not to postpone joy....and try so hard to enjoy every day, and all people, and ...and...and.

    love to you both, xoxo

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    1. It 's the TRYING that I rail against, Mim. Why does it take such effort?

      I want an even flow and I'm chasing after it. But I hope when I catch up to it I can just breathe and relax!

      Sorry about your loss too. Xo

      Love
      kj

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  4. it is very cool to see the land from above...dont postpone joy....true that....we live often as if we are guaranteed tomorrow but you never know....and i am sorry for her loss...that is a very cool plushie above....

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    1. Brian, do we think we're guaranteed tomorrow or do we get caught up in things that don't really matter?

      Love
      kj

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  5. I'm sorry about for JB and her family. That's so hard. Life is fragile.

    I love synchronicity. I don't believe their is a cosmic impetus to it, but I love that there are opportunities in life that trigger contemplation or joy. We are meaning-makers, and there's nothing wrong with that. In fact, there's everything right with it.

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    1. Meaning makers. Great comment, cs


      kj

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  6. Yes condolences to JB and her nieces and their family en toto, may their father rest now well and sleep deeply in the house of their ancestors.

    Joy...I know a few women with that name, I know a word that can be a verb or an adjective spelled that way, but as an emotion, thought or feeling I think I will stay rooted where I am until I can bring all them I think of with me to that place. Clear some room for us kj we're on the way but it is a long road and some are dragging their feet.

    Lessons learned have no time line to getting to the answers.

    Loose the hounds of love and leash again the dogs of war.

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    1. I've read your words three times now mark and I love it all more with each reading. Sure, I'll clear some room for us and the longer the road the better. Don't want the action to end too early :-)

      Love love love that last sentence, mr walking man

      xoxo

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  7. My prayers and condolences go out to JB and her family - such deep deep sorrow and loss.


    Your post rings a bell loud and clear for me lately - these thoughts have been on my mind. Something about the new year perhaps brings them on, but I agree completely to not postpone joy, to be true to yourself, to skip over the bullshit that doesn't matter and get to the real stuff of life.

    I hope you are feeling better. And in answer to your question - yes, I believe in synchronicity.

    Sending love and warm hugs,

    Amanda
    xoxo

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    1. Thanks Amanda. Yes, I've been thinking too. Because I'm ready. I'll be making some changes this year: less schedules and more what-the-hells. I hope you are following that line of thinking too :-)

      Love
      kj

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  8. Sad stories of death and loss. You do that story-telling so beautifully.

    On the other hand, the Chase dog is doing so much better. Chase and quite. Strange combination, but fulfilling.

    Blessings and Bear hugs.

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    1. Ha rob. Chase and quiet :-) I won't bother to mention that he's woken me up the last three nights. He howls like a fox, head up to the sky. But he's been good company. I think I will have the companion of dogs for my lifetime. Hard to travel that way, but easy to share a home

      Thank you for the compliment on my story telling

      Love
      kj

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  9. So sorry to hear and I hope the two girls are coping a little better. I'm glad JB was there.

    Oh gosh...I hope I never miss the joyful moments just as soon as they arrive. I am so grateful to have so many joys...

    I had that flu right after Christmas and during the New Year and after. So glad you had the time to rejuvenate and recover.

    Huge hugs to you and JB! xx

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    1. We were sick at the same time, Marion xo

      I love hearing you confirm your many joys! That makes me very happy.

      xoxoxoxo♥

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  10. Love outrageously. I like that. Did you give me this quote? I've forgotten where I got it...

    The Danger of Wisdom - by Jack Gilbert

    "We learn to live without passion,
    To be reasonable. We go hungry
    amid the giant granaries
    this world is. We store up plenty
    for when we are old and mild.
    It is our strength that deprives us...."

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    1. No Annie, that quote did not come from me but what a terrific quote it is.

      The strength of 'settling'--blah! Better to resist and venture. I know that much; though I understand too how hard such a decision can be. I left my husband when we were 30 and Jess was 2. I struggled with guilt for a time. But it was the right thing to do. Courage begets courage

      Love you, Annie
      xoxo
      kj

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  11. I'm so very sorry hearing about JB's loss.
    And I'm sorry I haven't been around.
    I've not been doing the Blog.
    My heart has been one big yo-yo lately, as my Dad passed 2 days after my birthday and 2 days before his 93rd birthday, both just after Christmas.
    I tell you this, only because I can also tell you of my JOY, having taken Jack to see him just the week before.

    I loved reading that you plan to have more "what the hells".
    They count for a lot, and I find them joyous!
    ♥♥~Babs

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  12. Email coming babs. I am so sorry for the loss of your father. Been a hard start to a new year.

    Love
    Your friend kj

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  13. Oh KJ I love you...yes I do...just visiting here is a tonic...I feel sucha connection...
    You might enjoy this prayer a friend showed me last week..it's been good for me...
    If I have harmed anyone in any way
    either knowingly or unknowingly
    through my own confusions
    I ask their forgiveness.
    If anyone has harmed me in any way
    either knowingly or unknowingly
    through their own confusions
    I forgive them.
    And if there is a situation
    I am not yet ready to forgive
    I forgive myself for that.
    For all the ways that I harm myself,
    negate, doubt, belittle myself,
    judge or be unkind to myself
    through my own confusions
    I forgive myself

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  14. Oh Chrisy amen!!!!!!!

    Thank you times a million :-) I get it and it's about time

    Love love
    kj

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  15. Kj - What a start to the new year, right? GAWD. I am so sorry to hear of your and Jb's loss. I wish I could think of something brilliant to say, but my brilliant is broken right now. :) This I know: you are a loving and caring friend, and a treasure. I am lucky to have found you (through Renee, who seems to be growing her circle every year!). I think the heart was the perfect thing for you to find. :)

    PS I love to see that Peaches is practicing standing on her head! xoxo

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    1. Pam, let's face it: I think we knew the start of the year would be unknown. The loss in JB's family and for her nieces is tragic. But losing your Mother at any age, whatever the circumstance, is a pretty big deal. I have no brilliant either, but please know I am a friend for life. Treasure is a good word xo

      Peaches is a hoot. JB is teaching her dance steps

      Love. Always.
      kj

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  16. Don't postpone joy.
    A wonderful motto to live by.
    Thank you.

    Thinking of you and sending love your way...
    xo
    Kristin

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    1. Hello ms wonderful playful artist! Thinking if you too :-)

      Love
      kj

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  17. I think that heart in the tree was telling you it needs to shine all year round
    some place where it can be glimpsed to remind you synchronicity does exist if you ever should doubt it. Kj, if you've boxed it up it's bound to be yelling and sobbing to be let out ...

    It's been quite a while since I pushed my nose out into blogyworld; I've missed your take on life ... sending you a joyful tsup*!*

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  18. Can I spell halleluiah correctly?!

    Annie, I am thrilled thrilled thrilled by your return... Birds and words and what else ? :-)

    Okay, so I'll leave the tin heart out. I am capable of following good advice

    Tsup !! Tsup!! times ten!!

    Love
    kj

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  19. peeking, reading, will be back to comment.

    miss you♥

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  20. Hi pumpkin!

    Ah miss you too. Come spring ...

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  21. Your heart is very full in this post, I read it between every line. Death is awful in any circumstance, it touches us all, and creeps up and surprises us when we don't expect it. I hope you are fully recovered and stay that way now and having some 'me' time is a really good thing. BTW no one can put a time limit on grief and you had to grieve no matter how long it took. Sending you lotsa warm fuzzies after reading this post. xxx

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    1. Aw joss, I feel known :-) thank you very much. Too much death this year, it seems. Family members here on the blogs

      You are right about grief. It has lessened , finally, and I'm glad

      xoxo
      kj

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  22. Oh harro..So sorry about JB's loss. I had a chair like that when my children were tiny, I used to nurse in it but sadly it just fell apart. Fragile indeed.

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  23. Oh I'll be damned! Hells! Yay!

    What a comment. It reads like a complete short story, about the chair and nursing and it broke...

    I hope you keep blogging. I've missed you t. H. I. S
    much

    Love
    kj

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  24. Oh, kj, this is such a poignant and important post. What if I had missed reading it? I know my life would be a bit dimmer because I reallyreally needed to read: "Don't Postpone Joy" and ". . .but while you can, be outrageous too. Love outrageously." And I wouldn't have missed the angel wings on the outside of your plane for the world!!!

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    1. Lydia, angel wings...quite an observation.
      :-)

      Sounds like I mirrored something at a good important time for you. I'm glad.

      I beseech you to go forth and enjoy!

      Love
      kj

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  25. Kj, So sorry about JB's brother in law and her sister. I am glad the nieces have one another it will be a help. One thing I have learned in this life is that it is not fair and I have since let go of the need for it to be. Pain and grief come to us all and the the best we can do is live as joyfully as possible through it all. Glad you are better. xoxo

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    1. Hi Annie, thank you for a much appreciated perspective. I'm following you; you know what you're talking about.

      My god. People die. Hearts break. And also how we much we love and how much to be astonished by.

      Glad you are feeling better. Xo

      Love
      kj

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  26. I work in a cancer hospital. Everyday my patients remind me of how short and precious life is. It is a gift to work with these people.

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  27. I enjoyed reading this post. A mix of sadness and joy just like life.Life is unfair sometimes but I do believe in Karma, these seem to be 2 opposite things sometimes :(
    How cute the little heart stayed behind for JB to find ♥
    Yes don't postpone joy :)
    Hope you are fully recovered by now and all is peace and quiet again.........
    ♥M

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  28. "It's taken me four years to get over a hurt that I couldn't seem to let go of. Four years; it might even be five. I wonder what that says about me?"

    That you're like I, I guess.

    I enjoyed the photos and feeling like I've caught up with you, at least a little.

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    1. Hi snow, I wish my heart were not so soft and I wish I didn't give one damn

      But just Sometimes......

      It's always nice to hear for you

      xoxo
      kj

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