Friday, March 30, 2012
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
This is your uncle Bunny. I am writing from Hollywood where I am still working with Steven Tyler while he is doing American Idol. I am helping him match his clothes and stay out of trouble, neither of which are easy, especially since he likes to put stripes and even plaids together, not to mention that he wears long earrings that too often get caught in his floppy hats. You might remember that I met him when he and I were both in rehab, him for drugs and me for my addiction to radishes. And speaking of addictions, we have to talk about you and your jellybeans. I think it is out of control.
But first let me tell you your Aunt Fluffy was 100% right about Jennifer Lopez: she is not smart at all and she is mean to all the stage people and i have sadly discovered especially to rabbits. Steven needed some dark purple nail polish and I made the mistake of borrowing some from Jennifer’s dressing room and she made a federal case of it. Steven told me it is now okay if I swear at her under my breath if she bothers me again and so far I have said eight different swears on four occasions in three different languages. It was easier to work with Janis Joplin, that’s for sure, because she just told people to ____off. Steven is too nice so he just rolls his eyes ad he swears under his breath too.
Emily, I have recently learned that you are currently working in New York City. I won’t tell you who told me but i know you are the one lone rabbit on the Carousel in Bryant Park and I am not comforted by the fact that there is one lone cat also besides you, among all those horses with the giant teeth.
For one thing, you are too young to being working and for another I don’t think you have the maturity or the temperament to work with the public. I order you not to bite anyone no matter what. This is especially true for anyone under six years old. You made the foolish decision to let children ride on your back in a public park--and for what, more jellybeans?, not to mention that you should not have spent that bail money on gummies no matter how good a deal they were--and now you must deal with little sticky fingers and maybe even being pinched.
I am also ordering you to keep your paws to yourself and do not borrow or take anything that isn't yours from the children or their parents. This includes wallets, watches and lunch bags.
The New York Police Department will not be lenient with you, Emily. There do not have much experience with rabbits and they especially don’t like crimes against children. Your mother and I have enough worries trying to get your father released from the National Institute of Health. He is still there involuntarily although he has been promoted to unit manager, which means he has a larger cage, more carrots and an extra hour of free sniff time every day.
Now, about your obsession with jellybeans. If you could just sneak into someone’s garden, get yourself a good supply, and hop off, that would be one thing but you have to have money for jellybeans and that is where the trouble starts. I learned in rehab that money is the radish root of all evil but I think jellies and gummies are worse.
I am proud of your enterprising spirit in starting the Green and Mean Avocado Company but have you thought about the damage frozen avocados can make if they accidentally hit a nice person instead of a mean one? I think you should stick with frozen peas and frozen grapes. I would also like you to consider a brief stay at the Jellybean Canyon Treatment Center here in LA. I will make the arrangements and I promise you a new bikini and rubber flappers that you can use at cape cod when you get out.
How did you get to New York anyway? Why aren't you in school? Your Mother contacted Mr. O'Hare and he told her you are attending school everyday wearing a head scarf and burqua; he said you told him you are doing that in honor of international women’s rights, which everyone knows doesn't even sound like you. You probably think you are pretty clever having some bunny show up disguised as you in school, But didn't work my way up to be Janis Joplin’s road manager without knowing when someone is trying to pull my rabbit’s leg, so the jig’s up, Emily.
Please call me collect when you get this letter and we will make arrangements from there. Meanwhile, do not bite any one for any reason, not even their toss.
Saturday, March 24, 2012
7. And finally, this is old but too clever to pass up. Be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor. Watch for these consolidations:
1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R.Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.
3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.
4.) Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: Zip Audi DoDa.
5.) FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.
6.) Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will
become: Fairwell Honeychild.
7.) Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!
Friday, March 23, 2012
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
(If you have to squint to read this, it's kJ's fault. She cannot figure out how to enlarge the letters, even though she has fiddled with the template 20 times. Plus this probably looks too small and too long to read, but isn't reading it better than paying bills or cleaning the kitchen?)
I am not a fan of silence. I watch people trying to be polite and not get in trouble and honestly what is the fun of that, not to mention that who’s listening if you don’t say anything?
My name is Emily Rabbit and I am about eight years old except by now I might be older but either way I try to use my age as an advantage, which works about half the time and the rest of the time I try to blame someone else if I get in trouble, which happens more than it should since almost everything is not my fault.
I am currently on the run because I spent my bail money on gummy bears, which made alot of sense at the time but I admit it was not my best decision. I was in California in search of avocados. The reason for this is because I have a business plan that should assure me jellybeans for life.
I should tell you first that my ideas almost always come from watching most people not having enough fun because how could anyone have fun if they are worrying or snuffing down a good cry? i have tried my best to teach kj what to do when she is upset; it is not my fault that she is still doing something else.
As you may know already, what almost always works for me is to throw myself on the ground, kick my back legs high high in the air and move them in all directions while I wail deep deep deep from my stomach. Boohoohoohoohoobooboo I cry. Even if you still get in trouble I guarantee you will feel so much better afterwards.
The night of the church board meeting it was not my fault that I hit that whiny little girl in the face. I was preparing to sell her rabbit pellets disguised as multi colored jelly beans when some mean man told me no solicitors, whatever that means, and said I had to leave. I threw myself on the floor and that whiny girl walked right into my foot while it was still in the air. I am sorry she got a black eye but it was hard to have sympathy just listening to the way she cried. Anyway, I was not arrested but my opinion of church goers has not been the same since.
It’s true that I have been in jail once. Even my best crying didn’t help and thank god I ended up in a cell with three women who were nice to me and showed me how to open a lock without a key. One of them said she did tricks and of course I liked that because I don’t think people do enough tricks, unlike rabbits, who have fun even when they are doing long division and slow multiplication
This brings me to my very stressful trip to California. well, kind of: I should first tell you how the idea of the Green and Mean (International) Avocado Company came about.
Besides for throwing myself on the floor and kicking while crying from my stomach, i started throwing frozen peas when I was mad or upset. I would throw them at the back of kj’s garage but sometimes I would throw them at a mean person. I am a pretty smart rabbit, even though I’m little and innocent, and not just because my Uncle Bunny was Janis Joplin’s road manager, so imagine how things improved when I started using a shooter for the frozen peas?! I could really bop someone from a distance and let’s face it, a frozen pea is not going to leave a scar or even a big bump, so it was a good idea all around.
It was not my fault that I advanced to frozen grapes and then frozen Brussels sprouts.
So I was in California because I absolutely have to have my own money. I write a column on kj's blog, trying to give advice that people are just too serious to follow, that is not my fault either, but I am not paid enough; why should I be worrying about running out of jellybeans at my young age.
So I got this idea to freeze avocados to use for really really mean people. And then I heard on television about green businesses and first I thought, ‘Perfect! Avocados are green” but kj explained to me that that meant good for the environment, like you don’t waste anything if you can help it.
You’re thinking the same thing I was, aren't’ you? Yes! first you fling the frozen avocado but THEN you can recycle and reuse the pit and throw it too!!! The Green and Mean Avocado Company: I don’t mean to brag but really i don’t mind if I do because what a good idea, right?
So I am in Carpinteria California where kj’s friend Lori lives and I am tryng to figure out how to get several crates of avocados which should be easy since it’s the Carpinteria Avocado Festival. All I can say for now is isn’t it so mean that anyone would mind an innocent rabbit taking a few hundred avocados?
The police chief who never even asked me my age told me I could avoid jail If I paid $ 37 in bail money so of course I asked kj and first she said no but I knew she wouldn’t let me go to jail again after my first time so she sent me cash and now I am in more trouble but who could resist all those gummy bears especially when someone told me the police chief was on vacation for a week playing black jack in Lake Tahoe?
Even though I am in trouble with kj, who is threatening to withhold my blog money for a year, the Green and Mean Avocado Company currently has several orders for frozen avocados and I have business manager named Jos who lives in England. I think I have a graphic designer to help with advertising and Lori in Carpinteria is thinking about how we can get enough avocados to fill the orders. Not to mention I have a resident poet named Anne who I think will also agree to make marketing videos showing how to throw the avocados just perfectly. I need help with pricing: I think the madder the person is, the more they should pay, don’t you agree?
Do you think I will cause problems for myself if I arrange a demonstration at the Hadley Mall? And if I do cause problems, of course I will throw myself on the ground and start kicking first thing. You haven’t asked but I think this is what you should do too, the next time somebody is mean and especially if they tell you the jellybeans aren’t worth it.
Emily V.V. Rabbit
(Note from kj: Emily read this to a group of writers last night, making her 'out loud' debut. I have to admit they laughed their rear ends off and of course, now Emily has been strutting all day.) (sigh)
Sunday, March 11, 2012
How did you manage
To step aside,
To transport me to a different universe
Where divine intention
Heals my cells and quells my fears?
It's soaring sisterhood
across keyboard miles
leveling my fate,
carrying me past uncertainties
I don’t deserve but manage to don
With designer strength and magic words.
In my old pajamas
My bones so deep,
Still they find me, allign me,
Send me words and pictures
And mile-wide hearts,
These friends who travel
Beyond the plains, to reach me here.
When did I become so lovely
That in this place
I find community?
And how did I shed my form and frame,
To be recast the leading lady of honest words,
Love washing over me
Like summer rain?
When did I become this beautiful?
So wild with grace,
So perfectly shaped and shapen:
I have become myself,
Full and true and open wide,
Comment boxes signed xoxo,
Alphabet orgasms punctuated
with blazing art.
I’m walking here!
Don’t bother slowing down.
I am the oak Renee,
My branches wide from Japan to California--
They bend and stretch and reach,
Offering rest and reminder
That the world is rich
Simply and fully
Because of who I am.
On Renee’s 53rd Birthday,
by kj with love
Friday, March 09, 2012
Monday, March 05, 2012
Take me on vacation
I’ll toss a proclamation
I’ll show you how to flutter,
to mutter, to stutter,
I’ll astonish, admonish, and stew.
I know how to be bold
slicing through the ice cold
I’ll be here when your colors run dry.
I’ll tackle and spackle
fractile and cackle
Together we’ll casade into blue
I won’t let you down,
Even way across town
I’ll tilt and I’ll twist and I’ll rant
We’ll regret, we’ll beset, we’ll procure on a bet
Cast the wind, fall on sin, refuse to give in
and guess what, I’ll stand up with you.
I’m a friend, don’t you know
I make sentences blow
I reduce strength to whimper,
can embellish a temper,
rend hearts to a crimper
make sunsets look limper,
all this with the glide of guess who
Forget all those words
that describe the absurd
Not needed or deeded or grand.
For half of the price I’ll show you not nice
pontificate trice, slam and damn the whole alice
Squeeze the story inside a brown shoe.
Do you see me unbutton
the bone from the mutton?
Banish those fancies, abscond all those prancies,
hose adverbs as dandies
Obliterate adjectives, admonish the tranies:
Allow me to conjugate too.
But this once I except;
take my bow and my step.
I’ll allow one embellished like word
I deserve all this credit
With me there’s no debit
Because I’m absofuckinglutely a VERB!