Saturday, August 04, 2012

Before Then

Just around now, four years ago, a relationship I cherished with someone I met on the blogs imploded. 

I know you understand how it can be that some relationships and experiences can create a 'before and after,' a 'then and now' dividing line that may or may not remain. Some of my best poetry was written during and after that time that ended four years ago, intensity and passion being a sturdy foundation for the writing of words.

But THIS poem was written before all that. It was written as I was starting to start to become a writer. It was written when I understood that on any day I could just as well be lost as found. Even so, I did not concern myself with betrayal then. Then I was sure it was enough to love; enough to just show up. 

Today is found In the folds of then and now. I still believe this poem. But today, I know more, even though sometimes I don't know what to do with it.

love
kj


Lost and Found

She wakes this morning with one foot at peace
And the other rumbling, tumbling
Concerned for something quite unknown.

It is springtime today. There are fast moving finches
Turning their curious beaks up at the tall birdhouse
That stands between the patio and kitchen window.
What happened that night it and the chirps inside
Fell to the ground, only a scattered feather or two
Telling a vague and troubled story?

She is still for the stillest moment—
The stillness of the kettle just before it steams--
Wondering how anything could be amiss on this promising day.
Still rumbling, tumbling—curious how she could today
Feel unsettled, sometimes lost, sometimes found,
Either way with empty pockets and partial gratitude.

She looks at this grateful dog
And in her mind reviews
Every real reason this is a good good day.
There will be time to plant the peas
And plan the garden.
There will be no work today, no chores to speak of.
No sickness, no broken promises, no unexpected loss.
No late payments, no betrayals,
Not even an empty gas tank.

Today is a good day.

She asks ever so slightly,
a moment before the commitment is made:
How she can be so wise, and so lucky, so alive,
And so aware
And too, so paperthin?
She rises from the night,
Feeds the dog, makes the coffee,
Answers the phone, picks up the mail,
Calls the dentist, waters the plants,
Readies the peas:
Every act 

born of cautious hope 
for a good day today.

43 comments:

  1. kj,
    This poem seems to evoke a time of priceless comfort and contentment with life. Here's to many more days and years of that for you! :)
    I wish difficulties and trials never happened to myself, or others, but I'm glad to hear when happiness returns. Sometimes these crises make us stronger, I think even if we'd definitely rather they hadn't happened.
    Again,thanks for sharing your struggles with your work - a gift to those who read here.
    Cheers!
    Brenda
    P.S. Thanks for your reply to the last comment I left - writing a sentence a day could be a manageable task. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Brenda, it was a time of wistful ease and unease depending on the day. I think even today that is the rhythm of life

      Xo

      Delete
  2. This made me tear up. In a way I felt a contentment, but even though it was writtent before, there seemed a subtle melancholy; a yearning for things to merely not be bad, instead of expecting happiness.

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    Replies
    1. Ben, what is the most number of days in a row you have felt total happiness. I think we are like the tides. I am glad I know that! And my days are often wonderful, but some are something other :-)

      Delete
  3. "And too, so paper thin."

    there is a vulnerability and a very fragile theme to this whole poem...I would love to pick your brain about the day you wrote this, and how this window to your soul opened up on that day at that time to generate this.

    Chris

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    Replies
    1. Hi Chris, I still absolutely have days like this. Sometimes I just wake up one way or another :-).

      Xoxo

      Delete
  4. You seem so fragile in this poem, like a person on the cusp of sadness but bravely trying to convince yourself that today will be okay, that the normal things like the dog and your routine will keep you safe for another day. It seems like the slightest abrasion would make you bleed. Sharon

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    Replies
    1. I didn't feel fragile when I wrote this:maybe alittle lost and looking for enlightenment :-)

      Sharon, I don't know if I know you. Please write again ! :-)

      Delete
  5. Aww shit you wouldn't have a poets heart if you didn't have a wee bit o' the willies about you.

    Personally I found this to be a good write not great as in Bukowski great but right there in the hopefulness found between the written lines. There is no fear in curiosity about the next moment and how the lifetime will be lived during it.

    I liked this one very much!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well this is a high complement , mark!

      Your comment about no fear in curiosity is a gem. How to live a lifetime: yes! There are a zillion little and large decisions made every day

      Xoxo

      Delete
  6. I can relate to this poem, really can

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Mim, a comment like yours is the best!

      Thank you xoxo

      Delete
  7. today is found in the folds of then and now. i like that very much

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Suki, first I wrote 'creases' and at the last minute changed it to 'folds'

      :-)

      Delete
  8. It's your beautiful heart, and soul, put into magical words. You have a gift. No, I'm wrong. You have *many* gifts.
    xoxoxo

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    Replies
    1. Aw Angela, just as I feel about you ♥

      Delete
  9. This reminds me of the days after I told my husband I wanted a divorce and moved his things to another room. I felt such an overwhelming sense of failure AND yet hope filled my emptied soul for the first time in as long as I could remember. I went through the early days doing mundane things that had to be done and counting things in my life I was grateful for. And I couldn't help but notice my bedroom had never looked so sun filled and beautiful. It was sign of better days to come. And a passionate love came into my life after that in his own way taught me how dead I was in my lifeless marriage.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Amy, smile when you see deb's comment below. I did.

      I had the same dual feelings in my divorce. And like you, yay,the light of the shone on my behalf!

      I willingly will be lost to avoid being dead :-)

      Glad you're here, amy

      Love
      kj

      Delete
    2. Make that the light of the sun shone

      And is shone even a word?

      :-)

      Delete
    3. Shown would be how it is written :-)
      I am almost never able to help with spelling :-)

      Delete
  10. Excuse the interruption of my brain, but ever so happy to see my beloved friend, Amy, visiting you!!!

    I love the images in this poem, how essential every word is. I love essential writing. Somehow, I do not see you as fragile in this piece; I see you strong, living fully in the moment, CHOOSING gratefulness. I see me in this piece too, every day. Living essential. "Oh for shit's sake" (said Renee), now you have made a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes. I am alive, and it is good. **happy smiles** Deb

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    Replies
    1. Thank you deb xo you read this right

      You have me on the floor laughing: oh for shit's sake. Ah Renee: I love you forever. Does heaven have a blog? Are you teaching newcomers how to say ' fuck' as a prayer?

      Yes we are alive deb and yes we feel. And love...

      Delete
  11. I just walked into your header. You don't mind, do you? It's so comfy in here.
    I loved the poem,,I always do,,,but what I really ADORE is this:
    "today is found in the folds of then and now"
    Can I keep that?

    (smiling) how fun knowing Renee is here, through Deb. Har Har
    XOXO ♥

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Speaking of love, babs, my blog would have a missing piece without you xo. I mean that.

      Please do walk into my header.

      Har har har

      Love
      kj

      Delete
  12. You know I love this part...

    She looks at this grateful dog
    And in her mind reviews
    Every real reason this is a good good day.

    The entire poem is packed with quotable gems.

    And I remember helping you during this implosion.
    Have we known one another that long already?

    xoxo
    Lo♥

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    Replies
    1. No, not this long, lo. Things fell apart in August and imploded by February. Just about when Renee appeared.

      You are my dearest friend xoxo

      Delete
  13. kj - I love this poem for all of the reasons everyone has already stated. :)) It is amazing to me how a poem can give me a glimpse into a person's inner thoughts, in such few words. And I love that Renee was invoked here, and thinking of her, and your poem, made me smile. Today is a good day.

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    Replies
    1. Pam, it's worth an academy award to be such an open book!!! I can't very well change that, and probably wouldn't, but my skin gets soft sometimes (ouch!)

      I'm glad glad today is a good day. I'll follow you xoxo

      Delete
  14. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  15. Isn't this a small beautiful world? Yup, Deb makes me smile always. Shone, shine, shoned)? hah!

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  16. i keep re-reading the line: ..with empty pockets and partial gratitude

    it's troubling when we may not know if we are in that blurred line between before and after.....but today is indeed found in the folds between then and now...and this is a poem that will need to be re-read many times, there is so much there to wonder at

    i was delighted to walk into your (new header photo) kitchen — bright, bright, happy, bright....

    xoxo

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    Replies
    1. Thank you so much, Amanda. The turning of a corner means you know the space you've left but not the space ahead. Imagine if we knew: I wouldn't choose it

      Xoxo

      Delete
  17. Best of luck with the novel and its ending KJ. Good writing is not without its blood, sweat and tears ... You deserve a stunning ending!

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  18. Ah my darling. What can't I say...nothing much here. We are well overdue a Skypechat. I think though, that with every relationship you take something with you. It's important to take the good and not just harp on the bad. It's over, gone, never forgotten but fuel for creativity and a reminder that perhaps you escaped...just in the nick of time. Love you

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  19. Oh, your header, KJ! I want to go sit down with with you and read and have a cup of tea. It looks so inviting and calm and colorful.

    And your words - I had to reread this poem several times. It is exquisite and I find a little bit of me in it. It speaks to me. Thank you for that!!

    Love, Silke

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  20. I like this...we do need to be reminded that every day CAN be a new beginning and we can choose on whether it is a good one or a bad one...sometimes if even the only good thing about it is something as simple as a hot shower...

    ReplyDelete
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