Saturday, April 28, 2012

Too Early To Cry


attribution to my friend Susan,
from whom I take far too many of her Facebook gems

I have not had an easy time of it. 

I've been pushing through it.

Until today.

Today, I say

A clear X Ray

&

Mom's Okay.


How the heck long does it take to finally GET IT that life is unpredictable? That what is so one day may not be so the next? Maybe I like predictability and maybe a boat in harbor is safe. But what do I lose when I accept that I know nothing beyond the moment I live in?And that means if I can only trust myself in the moments I live, I might as well trust what will be and trust too that I will handle what will be.

Three days ago my Mother woke up with her trademark humor. After a solid month of sleeping twenty three plus hours a day and eating next to nothing, yesterday she was dressed and today she gaining strength. Now I'm not saying I know about tomorrow, and that's my point. But earlier this week I was preparing to say goodbye and tonight I am saying, "Mom eat your pizza." 

And pneumonia. I have not been sick for an extended time like this for many years. I've worried and I've dragged myself through one day and then another. This morning I had a chest x-ray and saw a doctor who confirmed that I will not relapse if I push myself. Good. I'm ready to push. But guess what? In the last three miserable weeks I have written the two most pivotal chapters of my book. It is coming together: three years of angst and juggling and it is now coming together. 

The thing about a ship in harbor being safe. Yes. But it doesn't see anything....

With so much love to my friends and visitors here. Thank you.
kj



36 comments:

  1. Why miserable? You've written two important chapters and certainly you are satisfied with it. Life is not fragmentary but we tend to do it.

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    1. Shubhajit, I can do a 'poor me' routine pretty easily sometimes. You are of course wise and right. The longer view is the wiser. I hope you are well xoxo

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  2. I am happy to read your Mom is recovering! Yes life is unpredictable.
    Fragile and sometimes strong.
    Glad something good came out of your being sick.......
    Now please also get well :)
    I will start work later today.
    Will be back Tuesday night.
    ♥M

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    1. Hello darling marianne, oh work today! Fly to NYC, yes, please! (I wish!) take if yourself, I wonder what you will see on this trip?

      xoxo

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  3. That ship in the harbor thing well all I can say is "No shit Sherlock." You do know that the seasoned sailor heads out to sea when a tsunami is approaching right?

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    1. Mr mark, no I did not know that. But 'no shit Sherlock' I know well :-)

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  4. I've stolen a few gems from Susan too ;)

    You forgot to mention your Mom also played Bingo for a 1/2 hour. hahaha! That's like Rip Van Winkle waking up and saying "let's go bowling!"

    Sometimes, lately, I find myself wanting that safe harbor, boring as it is. I just want comfort now. That's what I'm craving.

    I love what you wrote on Lori's blog. I was setting it to African music. It's wonderful!

    Have a lovely day, cabernet :)

    xoxo
    Lo♥

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  5. Lo , yes it kind of is like rip van winkle. My mom didn't exactly strut into the bingo room and start calling numbers, but that she was wheeled from her bed into the activity room, even for minutes, was pretty amazing

    'pocket full of sunshine'? You know I disn't write that song, yes? Hahaha, it's a Fred Astaire classic. Well, if it isn't it should be

    xoxo

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    1. Oh and lo, I wish that quiet comfort for you so much. I think we should plan ptown in that quiet moment. Being your colored pencils xo

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  6. Gosh, don't know which to say congrats on first; you on the road to well, or your Mom on the road to recovery!!!
    Happy, happy, HAPPY!!!! ♥
    I know that routine of having to stand down due to illness, and it is a tough one.
    I like predictability and routine, yet that has all gone and I am learning that living in the moment is pretty darned good too. And look at what you've accomplished since you got sent to the couch.
    Sometimes, things just work out for no apparent reason....

    XXOO~~
    Anne

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    1. ''
      anne, ♥ thank you so much. 'stand down is an apt term. and yes, amazing that two huge chapters got written. i am shocked about it, actually.

      and you: take care of yourself. eat, drink and be merry xoxo

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  7. So happy for you and your Mom! I love how you took those weeks of enforced rest and wrote those truly amazing chapters. You did get my email? Some of my emails have not reached their destinations...it's really odd.

    So the Universe gave you time to struggle with and accept those crucial chapters and also gave you time to sit and give your mother much needed nursing and encouragement. Pretty neat!!! xx

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    1. hello marion! been thinking of you. yes i got your email and i thought i answered it. ? it meant the world. i have the luxury this weekend of reading the first hundred pages and seeing what i have, what it's become(ing). and in the words comes the healing, in some strange way, not just for myself. xoxoxo

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  8. Kj, WONDERFUL post! All any of us has is this moment, learning that is a miracle. So glad that for this moment you and your mother are better and that the writing is going well.
    Happy weekend. XOXO

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    1. hi annie, thank you so much. this post is about what you already know and so freely share
      xoxox

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  9. I am so glad you and your Mom are getting better. What shall we conclude from this? Well for me it says "you never know" ... which is kind of scary/exciting. Warmest hugs to you and don't push too hard please ... get well well first. xx Jos

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    1. jos, yup yup yup. i think you and i saw this carved onto a tree trunk while we've been walking that path.

      so if you never know, might as well (fill in the blank)
      love love jos

      kj

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  10. Kj, I have been very busy, so I am glad to hear that you and your mom are improving!

    Wander

    P.S. That email to you about dad, I wrote it into a story and posted it...very hard...

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    1. chris, i know!!! i've read it twice already. . it's my comment that's late, not my appreciation for a beautifully written essay about your Father. thinking of you xo

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  11. So natural, so human to want to stay within the safety of the known, the harbor. But most of my very best moments I've experienced while working without a net.

    Such good news about your Mom. And the x-ray.
    XO

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    1. Babs, I would like to be on vacation and bump into you at the beach. Then cool drinks and an Oceanside dinner

      And then leaning back and sitting by the gorgeous pool that evening talking philosophy and solving every problem in the world :-)

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  12. Glad mom is able to enjoy some pizza. May she have many more pizza days to come! and you my dear take care of yourself. Worrying about others can drag us way down. So pace yourself while pushing.
    I'm going to go find that quilt lady now. thanks for the heads up!
    And thanks for your continual visits to my blog and your wonderful wonderful encouragement and compliments! I love it! xoxo

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    1. Thanks Lynn and you are most welcome

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  13. Well thank goodness on all accounts. Great news for you both.

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  14. I'm so happy to hear about your mom, and your own health. :))) And of course, it is always good news to make a couple of dents in a novel. Go KJ!!!! xox

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    1. Thanks Pam xo

      And what praytell is going on in your corners of life?

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  15. Blessings come in pairs, and these are both excellent news.
    What strikes me with the most power are these words:
    In the last three miserable weeks I have written the two most pivotal chapters of my book.
    Now THAT is what always amazes me about life, and makes me hang on, the fact that it is in our darkest moments that we grow and shine!
    You are a fighter and a survivor, like your dear mom, and I know that about you and love that about you. XXXXXX

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    1. Awwww joss, from one to another: ♥

      You just made me gulp. Thank you always

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  16. such good news. your MOm. wow. a miracle. and am so glad you are pneumonia free and can do what you want. Good news too about your writing. Yeah! Blessings, suki

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  17. I think it takes pretty much our whole lives to truly GET that life is unpredictable. And even then, I'm not so sure we get it.

    Yay! On the good news, though!

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    1. Cs, good to know we don't know, yes?

      Xoxo

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  18. I can only add that there are moments in which the wind blows so hard that even an eagle may want to stay inside the nest, and others, when we let the wind carry us are nothing less than a show of strength. We learn by living, don't we? I too like a safe harbor...to come back from all my voyages that is.
    Much love as always.

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    1. My dear Allegra, how did I miss this wonderful wonderful comment?!

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