Sunday, April 22, 2012

Home Alone Mish Mash


I wrote this post and I have a couple of comments but I don't much like the post so I'm deleting most of it. :^)

I'm condensing this miss mash into:

 here I am with four books on love and I am breathing each one in. I am taking note of simple phrases: "My voice broke," "a miserable memory,""when yes confronts no." I am so excited that I get to write. I am so lucky that I get to write.

 i had a scare two nights ago: not just exhaustion from my &^%$##@ pneumonia but I began to feel very very sick. I wasn't sure if I was over reacting and I also wondered if I could even drive myself to the emergency room. I thought about calling my friend Marsha but I knew she would drop everything and panic. I wanted to wait it out, though I was scared. But I called JB, in Colorado, and told her if I sent her a text that said 'help' to call an ambulance. I needed to know I had that backup plan. I'm comforted by backup plans. Poor JB. Not the best way to enjoy her time with her sister.

I don't know what to say about my Mom. She is very weak and sleeping most of the time, but she is asking what she needs to do to feel better. I am humbled by how much I mean to her, how happy my presence makes her. I am glad to be able to love her so purely. She is teaching me so very much.

Love kj





36 comments:

  1. There is something almost blissful about enforced leisure, even if you have to be sick with it. In the first couple of weeks after my surgery last year, I dozed and watched movies and read and drank many cups of hot tea. I was eager to get back to my regular active life, but I also welcomed a little downtime.

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  2. I completely agree, cs. In some ways it's been blissful

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  3. Sounds to me like you've spent too much time having fun and not enough time resting. How are you ever going to get any healthier if you don't rest?

    I am, however, glad to learn that you have survived (more or less) without JB.

    Blessings and Bear hugs from pastor Bear!

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  4. Bear, I am trying to rest!!!! I read books with my head on a pillow :-)

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  5. Bless your heart, that must have been quite a scare you had,,and for JB too, I'm sure!
    With my armchair doctor's diploma on the wall, I will tell you that I think your pneumonia kicked your butt,you're still worn out, and you're worried about your Mom. The only prescription is just more rest. And trying to turn your head off while you're doing it.( which isn't easy) You are doing what you can for your Mom, just like you always have.
    And in my belief system there's someone a whole lot bigger than you in charge of her, who takes excellent care of her.I can feel it in your gorgeous header, can you?

    I hope that jokester weather with the snow isn't coming to your house!
    Big healing hugs from here, with Love♥

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    1. Babs, that reminder means the world to me. I pray that my Mom will be able to return to her first home without suffering, but I needed your reminder that she is in the arms of someone far greater than I.

      Thank you always, babs xoxo

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  6. everything that babs said dear kj. i hope you feel better soon, it's good your resting and have a plan just in case.

    (((((your mom))))))
    and you. xxx

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    1. And ((((((you)))))) too, dear lori

      Might you photograph an elephant for me?

      Love
      kj

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    2. yes indeed! cross your fingers we see one, the desert elephants are not easy to find.

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  7. KJ, I'm so sorry for your scare, but so glad that you didn't have to go to the ER. Do you have Urgent Care clinics in your area? They are usually a better option.

    My dear, I'm sad about your mother. I wish these things didn't have to happen.

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    1. Thanks, snow ♥

      Yes there is an urgent care center down the street, I've never been and I do need to reconfigure my thinking to head there first

      I wish my mom could happily live to be 150 years old...

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  8. It is scary sometimes to be home alone. Living alone, I know. Especially when you are feeling sick. Ugh. Glad you got through your scare, though, and that you reached out to JB.
    My thoughts go out to you mom.

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    1. Hi Barbara,thanks so much xoxo

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  9. sending love for your mom. hmm, well i know being/feeling ill and being alone. i used to-- when I had nearby friends-- call them and tell them if i was really really sick. just to put them on alert or really to give myself comfort.

    hope you are feeling better soon.

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    1. Suki, yeah, it makes a difference just knowing that somebody knows

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  10. I'm so sorry you had such a scare, kj...I've had one or two of those being alone and sicker than ever episodes. I haven't ever gone to the hospital by myself either. It was good to have that back-up with JB.

    Hope you feel a little better soon. It takes a long while, rest is the only answer. I'm sorry your mama is still so weak...a situation like that is so difficult to handle when you are well, let alone sick. My thoughts, love and light go out to both you and your mother.

    Rest and get well, sweetie...I'll keep you and your mom in my heart...xx

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    1. Ah thank you, Marion. Yes, it is hard. My emotions are full up with live for my Mother. It is so easy to feel tender and I'm both proud and glad for that

      Please feel better yourself. Love you marion

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  11. I also know that kind of scare, good to have neighbors and friends that check in, we all watch out for each other. Glad it was just a scare. Sending hugs and love to your mom and you, it is so hard to watch our mothers get old and be sick.xoxo

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    1. Thanks, Annie. God yes it is hard. Crying is not good for my overtaxed lungs so I'm holding it together.

      I love how you have described your neighborhood. That is wonderful xo

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  12. Ah. dear KJ....you are worn down...physically from the pneumonia and mentally watching your Mum struggle to regain her health... you WANT to be able to do everything and make the world right....and sometimes, you just can't do it. Plus...there's the *alone factor*.....I know it all too well. Even having JB on the phone in an instant, having friendly neighbours a few minutes away - doesn't negate the fact that you are alone at this moment. Stella's presence is so needed now...

    Babs is right, m' dear...time to trust in God to make it all right....you have to reat as much as possible...read... perhaps NOT write too much now...because the topic is so emotional - and now you have plenty of emotions swirling all about you. CS's plan was good too....

    Sending many, big hugs across the miles to you....and on a bit further to your Mum... I hope that Nor'easter avoids you today.

    Love and Strength - always,

    ♥ Robin ♥

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    1. No, robin, honestly, I'm glad that Stella doesn't need my care right now. It's been good to focus on myself and my Mother.

      Writing has been good . The book is taking shape

      Thank you for your care and advice. I'm taming my emotions, for now, and that helps me

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  13. NOT going to tell you to rest.
    NOT going to say that the pneumonia has a grip on you.
    NOT going to tell you we are not the Wonder Women we really think we are....LOL!
    AM going to send Emily Rabbit to pelt you hard every time you get off the couch, unless it's a bathroom run....
    Just sayin'......
    TAKE CARE! ♥♥♥

    XXOO~~
    Anne...who ALWAYS listens to advice. (never uses it, but listens....lalalalala.......)

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    1. Dear honorable wise guy, see my comment to robin.

      You and I--we caution one another and we lovingly ignore!!! But I am taking it easy. I really am.

      Take care Anne, and thanks xoxo

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  14. This human experience. Just this morning I advised my 89-year-old Mom to have 91-year-old Dad admitted to the Hospice Unit. I am sad that she is alone to do this, yet wonder in the same breath if this is the way it is supposed to be ... Mom with her husband and me with mine. I can do nothing about her being alone right now. My place is with my Brawny Man. Women are so awesomely beautiful. Love, Deb

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    1. Oh Deborah, this breaks my heart.We do the best we can. And yes, women are awesomely beautiful. God bless you and god bless your Mother

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  15. KJ, I almost died about a month ago. It's a long story...but alone in this apartment I thought to call for help...decided it was just too mortifying to be seen in such an absolutely helpless state. I decided I would rather die. Die I did not. But could have. Such hallucinations! I know when my breath stopped. I know when I re-started it again. I know it was a sheer will other than my own. I am so happy for you and your back-up plan. Very healthy KJ!

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    1. OMG Annie, this is scary to hear even knowing you are okay. I completely understand the mortifying factor-- I thought that too. We carry our sense of dignity to the end...

      I am SO GLAD you are upright and breathing. Be safe Annie, please. A guy at work checked himself out and I still look at his face and smile and think he made a mistake. ♥

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  16. Oh my dear.......yes Pneumonia is not te be taken lightly!
    Now you make sure you take care eh!
    Hope your Mom will be OK, sounds like she is still willing to recover.....
    hugs
    ♥M

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    1. Hello Marianne, my mom and I are both in holding patterns, it seems. She wants to be well but she eats so little. And we have all decided, her family and all the wonderful people who care for her, that she will not feel shame or undue pressure for what she chooses. 'go gently into the night'--this just came to mind and this is what I wish for her whenever the time must be xoxo

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  17. If you had sense enough to establish a back up plan (something I never do) then your solitude has been driving you---kiddo take a chill pill and accept your health waiting to return eh?

    Your mom is amazing, I hope her to live longer than me ol' grannie who passed just shy of 1 0h 5.

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    1. Mark, I am increasingly impatient :-)

      My mother likes her life. And I want to help her live with comfort and safety, even through the final times

      Xoxo mark

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  18. Your sepia sunset is just relaxing.
    Nighttime seems to accentuate bad feelings. I once called for an ambulance for heart palps which turned out to be nothing, but got me a treadmill test the next morning. Caused me to quit smoking though!

    Interesting question of your mom's . . .

    Hope your feeling better now.

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    1. Ah goat man, you've made me laugh! My salacious response to Lydia brought you here hahaha!

      Welcome, and thank you.

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  19. I think being sick while also being alone hits on a very, very primal fear for all of us. I'm so glad that JB was still reachable and that you were able to pull through. And I can only imagine how tough things are with your mom, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed that she'll come back stronger from this challenge. Keep your chin up and get plenty of rest :)

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