Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Animal Wednesday: How I Got To the Green and Mean Avocado Company by Emily Rabbit


(If you have to squint to read this, it's kJ's fault. She cannot figure out how to enlarge the letters, even though she has fiddled with the template 20 times. Plus this probably looks too small and too long to read, but isn't reading it better than paying bills or cleaning the kitchen?)


I am not a fan of silence. I watch people trying to be polite and not get in trouble and honestly what is the fun of that, not to mention that who’s listening if you don’t say anything?


My name is Emily Rabbit and I am about eight years old except by now I might be older but either way I try to use my age as an advantage, which works about half the time and the rest of the time I try to blame someone else if I get in trouble, which happens more than it should since almost everything is not my fault.


I am currently on the run because I spent my bail money on gummy bears, which made alot of sense at the time but I admit it was not my best decision. I was in California in search of avocados. The reason for this is because I have a business plan that should assure me jellybeans for life.


I should tell you first that my ideas almost always come from watching most people not having enough fun because how could anyone have fun if they are worrying or snuffing down a good cry? i have tried my best to teach kj what to do when she is upset; it is not my fault that she is still doing something else.


As you may know already, what almost always works for me is to throw myself on the ground, kick my back legs high high in the air and move them in all directions while I wail deep deep deep from my stomach. Boohoohoohoohoobooboo I cry. Even if you still get in trouble I guarantee you will feel so much better afterwards.


The night of the church board meeting it was not my fault that I hit that whiny little girl in the face. I was preparing to sell her rabbit pellets disguised as multi colored jelly beans when some mean man told me no solicitors, whatever that means, and said I had to leave. I threw myself on the floor and that whiny girl walked right into my foot while it was still in the air. I am sorry she got a black eye but it was hard to have sympathy just listening to the way she cried. Anyway, I was not arrested but my opinion of church goers has not been the same since.


It’s true that I have been in jail once. Even my best crying didn’t help and thank god I ended up in a cell with three women who were nice to me and showed me how to open a lock without a key. One of them said she did tricks and of course I liked that because I don’t think people do enough tricks, unlike rabbits, who have fun even when they are doing long division and slow multiplication


This brings me to my very stressful trip to California. well, kind of: I should first tell you how the idea of the Green and Mean (International) Avocado Company came about.


Besides for throwing myself on the floor and kicking while crying from my stomach, i started throwing frozen peas when I was mad or upset. I would throw them at the back of kj’s garage but sometimes I would throw them at a mean person. I am a pretty smart rabbit, even though I’m little and innocent, and not just because my Uncle Bunny was Janis Joplin’s road manager, so imagine how things improved when I started using a shooter for the frozen peas?! I could really bop someone from a distance and let’s face it, a frozen pea is not going to leave a scar or even a big bump, so it was a good idea all around.


It was not my fault that I advanced to frozen grapes and then frozen Brussels sprouts.


So I was in California because I absolutely have to have my own money. I write a column on kj's blog, trying to give advice that people are just too serious to follow, that is not my fault either, but I am not paid enough; why should I be worrying about running out of jellybeans at my young age.


So I got this idea to freeze avocados to use for really really mean people. And then I heard on television about green businesses and first I thought, ‘Perfect! Avocados are green” but kj explained to me that that meant good for the environment, like you don’t waste anything if you can help it.


You’re thinking the same thing I was, aren't’ you? Yes! first you fling the frozen avocado but THEN you can recycle and reuse the pit and throw it too!!! The Green and Mean Avocado Company: I don’t mean to brag but really i don’t mind if I do because what a good idea, right?


So I am in Carpinteria California where kj’s friend Lori lives and I am tryng to figure out how to get several crates of avocados which should be easy since it’s the Carpinteria Avocado Festival. All I can say for now is isn’t it so mean that anyone would mind an innocent rabbit taking a few hundred avocados?


The police chief who never even asked me my age told me I could avoid jail If I paid $ 37 in bail money so of course I asked kj and first she said no but I knew she wouldn’t let me go to jail again after my first time so she sent me cash and now I am in more trouble but who could resist all those gummy bears especially when someone told me the police chief was on vacation for a week playing black jack in Lake Tahoe?


Even though I am in trouble with kj, who is threatening to withhold my blog money for a year, the Green and Mean Avocado Company currently has several orders for frozen avocados and I have business manager named Jos who lives in England. I think I have a graphic designer to help with advertising and Lori in Carpinteria is thinking about how we can get enough avocados to fill the orders. Not to mention I have a resident poet named Anne who I think will also agree to make marketing videos showing how to throw the avocados just perfectly. I need help with pricing: I think the madder the person is, the more they should pay, don’t you agree?


Do you think I will cause problems for myself if I arrange a demonstration at the Hadley Mall? And if I do cause problems, of course I will throw myself on the ground and start kicking first thing. You haven’t asked but I think this is what you should do too, the next time somebody is mean and especially if they tell you the jellybeans aren’t worth it.


Sincerely Yours,

Emily V.V. Rabbit


(Note from kj: Emily read this to a group of writers last night, making her 'out loud' debut. I have to admit they laughed their rear ends off and of course, now Emily has been strutting all day.) (sigh)


38 comments:

  1. wow, did you read all this? I bet emily $ 3.00 you wouldn't....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Darn it Pam, she's pulled out the calculator !!

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  2. of course I read it all thru - i LOVES emily and support her in all her ideas- I draw comics about her!!! Happy Rabbit Wednesday

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    Replies
    1. Mim, speaking of drawing....we can make A million dollars

      Yours truly
      E. R.

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  3. A quick type by Emily, pass along to kj that it's been a month since my 4th neck surgery and I am getting better by the hour now.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Walking man, I told her and she smiled until I told her there should be a delivery charge. That kj!

      I'm glad you feel better too
      Sincerely
      Emily r.

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  4. Peas on earth, a good idea.

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    Replies
    1. Kay, don't you think I should have been paid for that drawing?

      Thank you in advance for agreeing

      Sincerely yours
      emily

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  5. I read it all the way, too, Emily. Kj owes you $3. Unless it was $3 per reader, in which case, you will soon be rich. And I keep thinking that once you throw the avocados, there has to be a way to make guacamole. Think on it. Maybe as a side biz. xoxo Pam

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    Replies
    1. Pam, would you like to be my back up business manager? Or accountant? I can give you 1 % in cash or jellies or maybe avocados, depending.

      I told kj what you said and she whined

      Your friend,
      E. R.

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  6. Emily Rabbit, charming and dear,
    Trav'ling the world from there to here
    And getting into all sorts of scrapes,
    (tho somewhere I missed the launched frozen grapes...)
    What a Bunny! What a plan!
    Compliments come from poetess Anne.
    I think, perhaps, for sales success
    We need more *think* and a little less *mess*.
    All that thinking can quickly be veered
    To money, profit and not getting jeered.
    You seem to have found quite the diligent Krewe
    And KJ brings out the ornery in you....
    But remember, to make this great product SELL
    You have to be perky and kind as well.
    I know it's within you, and that you can do it~~
    You just need to focus and then to stick to it.
    To market your dream to the whole world at large
    We're trying to figure out how much to charge.
    I think, that perhaps, the cost should rise
    If the person is MEAN and not very WISE.
    Discounts for quantities used in good fun
    Ought to be standard, my dear little Bun.
    And marketing videos, should they arise
    Require some honesty, mirth, and NO LIES. (you can get sued...)
    So grab up your papers and pencils and plan,
    And take this advice from the poetess Anne;
    Never allow your dream to grow stale,
    And stay out of trouble~~no more nights in JAIL!
    Because life is too short and you're far to smart
    To succumb to the foolish, not follow your heart.
    Now that I close and before you can holler
    Remind our dear KJ you get THREE MORE DOLLARS.

    Rock on Emily!
    And don't be pulling on my hoop earrings again or you'll see me open a can of Bunny-whoop-ass!

    XXOO~~
    Anne

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    Replies
    1. Oh good god holy moly!!!!!

      This is kj speaking: Emily has a resident poet alright. I see a book deal in your collective futures

      Anne! Incredible!


      I'm so glad your bunny funny poetry self is back.

      HAHAHAheeheehee

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    2. When she gets out of line, remind her I wear BUNNY SLIPPERS.... (don't tell her they're fake...)
      hahahahaha!!!!

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    3. Anne, it's me, Emily!

      2 % for you. Plus red jellies.

      We can be on tv together. My uncle bunny has contacts

      Your partner (in trouble) (but who cares?!)
      Emily

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  7. So give Emily three from me...I have to get back to work. Tee hee. LOL

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    Replies
    1. I did NOT mean $ 3 per comment!!

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    2. BAAWAAA!!!!!

      Kj owes me way more than $ 3!!!!!!

      She is too cheap!!!!!!!

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    3. The BAAAWAA Is from me

      e.r.

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  8. I dont have time to read this now but I will be back tomorrow!!

    Wander

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  9. Love Emily's kicking your legs every which way while screaming your bloody head off solution. Gotta try it. Absolutely, darling read. (Hugs)Indigo

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  10. Thank you ms indigo. Do you need lessons?

    Don't forget to kick high and be sure to cry from your stomach

    Yours most sincerely
    Emily

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  11. just as good as a good cry and howl is a good laugh. wish i had been there when emily made her group debut so I could roll around on the ground and laugh. LOL

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Suki, I think you should do a roll-on-the
      -ground video

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  12. Janis Joplin's road manager
    HAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA
    Love it!

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    Replies
    1. Babs, uncle bunny travels in rock circles :-)

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  13. Kj, this is for your eyes only, please don't let Emily see my comment...or my post on my blog http://wanderwithoutbeinglost.blogspot.com/2011/05/fluffy.html
    I have sworn not to tell who the true author of that was but you must read before you talk to Emily again...please!

    With concern

    Wander

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    Replies
    1. Mr wander, it's me, Emily. I cannot resist looking: it would expect too much of me. But am I going to cry?

      Sincerely
      E. R.

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    2. No but I swear I don't believe it to be true...please believe me...please...........

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  14. Ah, Emily is such fun! I hope her business plan works wel, and that she doesn't get arrested for aiding in a riot by providing avocados.

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  15. Hello rib bear (hee hee)

    Thank you for hoping I stay out of jail. Do you get in trouble sometimes? I hope so, for your sake. I can teach you how if you need lessons

    Yours truly
    Emily R.

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  16. I even read it!!
    Normally when I have to squint or see so many words I am ready to flee........but I had to read your news. My what adventures but such a pity you are on the wrong coast when I visit NY!
    Will we ever meet dear?!

    I finally am commenting on this post. I read it earlier this week but time was short.

    Tonight I will watch some TV and relax and probably will fal;l asleep very early!


    BTW I think KJ has to pay you double for this one.
    Please stay out of trouble long enough for your business to start booming. Once you are loaded you can get into trouble again. Rich people / rabbits get away with most things.

    HAW dear Emily!
    Don't stay away too long now!

    Your BF
    ♥M

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  17. oh lordy think i've stumbled upon the meaning of life in here! thank you miss em...i'm going to practice throwing myself on the ground, kicking my legs high high in the air moving them in all directions while I wail deep deep deep from my stomach...WAAAAH WAAAAAAAH WAAAAAAAH

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    Replies
    1. Very good Chrisy, except you have to say BOOHOOBOOHOOBOOHOOBOOHOO or something close to that.

      Then you can wail after that

      Sincerely
      Emily r.

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  18. Marianne, I wll probably listen to you because you are my best friend. When I am very rich I will send you a seven year supply of jellies and maybe we can bob in the ocean together too

    Love
    Emily

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  19. Dear Emily,

    Please add my name to the list of folks who hooted when they heard KJ read, but please take me off the list for frozen avocados. Yuck.

    You sure get around and I get worn out just trying to figure out your finances.

    Please tell KJ that my jellybean $$$ are running out. I'll wait for the replenishment.

    Your fan,

    Sharon

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    Replies
    1. ms sharon, it sounds like you'd prefer the frozen grapes. i can supply those too. and i know what you mean about your jelly supply. what are your favorite colors? I'll bet red!

      sincerely
      emily

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  20. Dear Emily Rabbit,

    For those of us who spent our childhoods living in places other than California, then moved to California later in life, avocados are sacred. I support you throwing something large, hard, green, and frozen at people's heads when they are being dumb, but perhaps you'd consider cabbage instead? Avocados just seem so... precious.

    As for those church folk, they never really do seem to have a sense of humor, do they...

    say hi to KJ for me!

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  21. Wow, so many adventures since I last read your post! I'm not sure I would throw Avocados though...they would really, really hurt!...and besides, they are soooo good for you. I think peas are the better choice...xx

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