Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Thinking


My laptop died last week. My novel and many of my poems are backed up. But so much isn't. Maybe I will be able to retrieve and transfer my hard disc, but if not, the words and thoughts of the past four, five, years are left to dwell inside me, locked away. Good thing I know my body doesn't forget.

Whatever has been lost, so much that matters to me is here on my blog. My friend and the friend of many Renee used her blog in the last months and years of her life to be sure her family would have a history to remember her in her own words. I know my Jessica reads my blog though she rarely comments. I wonder if someday Mr. Ryan and Drew and Logan will read these posts and stare at my images and photos and know something more about their Gram-Bam.

What is it about this part of the year that invites memories and with them a sadness in looking back?

Years back I had a friend, more than a friend if truth be told, who I have now spent the last three years doing my best to remember in the way I loved her most; not in the way I too remember the worse of her. I knew there were parts that were not kind, that were intolerant and mean-spirited, but along with her wild creativity and passion I accepted those parts too. No doubt she accepted some of my not-so-great parts too. But now, from time I read or hear some of the things she has said about me and about our relationship, and I do not escape emotions I cannot find words for. I never expected in my life to be vilified by someone I loved and who loved me. I have to laugh abit as I write this because without loss and betrayal there would be not one country and western song to sing!

It was I who chose freely. The lessons are mine to learn. I ask myself if I would rather lament and feel the sadness as I do, than steel myself and never look back? I don't envy another's choice to do as they do. But this time of year, perhaps because she and I had a few Christmases together, I find myself wishing her well. Which is something that would disgust her. Which is something that will probably disgust the people who know the story and want to protect me. I don't know what that says about me, whether I show strength or weakness when I hope for the best. And you know what? I don't give a damn.

I've been deep in thought today. No car, no travels. After weeks of hussle bussle, here I am with myself, thinking back, thinking forward. I don't talk about this subject very much anymore and I write about it even less. But here I am, asking a benevolent universe to bless us all. Not just some: all. Even You with your eraser who dared to call Stella "someone's dog."
love
kj

23 comments:

  1. Forgiveness is healing. Understanding promotes forgiveness. What you say here sounds healthy. Even the "I don't give a damn" part :)

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  2. Forgiveness can only heal the one who forgives. The offender must deal with her/his own Karma, as no forgiveness will ever be enough to erase the marks that offending another leaves in one's own Karma.

    We must learn to forgive ourselves and if we offend to make reparations. "I am sorry" is completely worthless to me unless there is some righting of the wrong, some way to make the Universe know that the scales are once again, at least for the moment, in balance.

    Trite as it may sound one of my favorite lessons from nanny was to remember that forgiveness is the fragrance of the violet upon the heel that crushed it.

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  3. When I choose to trust it is my choice. So are the consequences ... good and not so good. But understanding this and learning to deal with it are two different things.

    I trusted and loved someone who was just playing games. I tried not to believe it and for a while I succeeded.

    To get to the point where we wish them well speaks of strength not weakness. But make no mistake, we do it for ourselves not for them. We do it because to do otherwise hurts us even more than the hurt of not doing so.

    It's such a release to forgive. It frees us to be ourselves again.

    Allegra says it so eloquently as always. And she is right about ammends which is something I am only just learning. Ha!! Better late than never.

    Warmest hugs KJ, and I am listening to Dar again this morning :) xx Jos

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  4. In Dutch I could express myself in this matter, but I cannot in English. You can call it the curse of a second language. But I fully agree with the wise words Allegra Smith wrote. She is absolutely right. And... dear Stella was of course your dog but she was a little bit of us all here, I dare say.

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  5. Certainly something about this time of year that makes us look back as well as forward and ponder our lives as they have unfolded. Part of that too is our view of what happened, which is sometimes different than what happened and subject to many perspectives, views and interpretations.

    I read in some spiritual book somewhere, maybe it was from Ane Pema, that one must forgive and forgive every moment of ones life.

    I myself so often say to people "I am sorry." That is because we can so easily offend someone without knowing it. If they tell us we have offended them, then....I am sorry. I am human. I make mistakes and have times of overlooking another's sensitivity.

    I agree that forgiveness heals the one who forgives as Allegra has said. as long as i clutch anger and resentment i am harming myself.

    Being human is so complicated yet so simple. I believe we all do our best in any given moment, we are all filled with Buddha nature, loving kindness and compassion.

    Have a great 2012 and so glad you backed up your writings.

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  6. I really like what Allegra said, forgiveness is for the one who forgives. I think it is always wise and good to forgive, never hold a grudge. It does not mean that you will still be friends with the one forgiven, just that you can forgive and lay it to rest in your own heart.xoxo

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  7. What I hear is acceptance of what was: the good, the bad and the ugly. And forgiveness, at least a letting go. Good for you and your soul, not for anyone else to judge.
    I can relate to a long ago relationship that probably should not have even been, but was, and was hurtful. I just hope I never have to encounter the person in person again (I do believe he has moved across the country so probably won't) but often wonder how'd I'd act if that did occur. Would I spit, hit, yell, scream, smile, be nice, act as if nothing bothered me? Of course I have moved on and on and on...and have no earthly good reason to dwell on those years/experiences now at all. So won't. Yours brought mine to mind. Now I choose to let it go again! I hope when you can you will do the same. Now is oh so much better and I know I am lucky that that ended so I could have this NOW! ;-) Happy NEW year and thanks for letting me get that off MY chest! LOL

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  8. It's all been said here, and very eloquently.
    I'll just add that:

    Stella was never just somebody's dog.
    Stella was a canine angel, the girl of the soul filled eyes with love at it's purest.She was meant for you all along, and loves you still.
    XOXO

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  9. Hard to take darling. I know the feeling of love and loss and hurtful responses even though (in the case of my friend) not meant to be hurtful, they are. I focus on the good times and try to repress the sad. It doesn't always work but I do believe time heals. Hope your hard drive can be recovered.

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  10. It is one of the givens, that people are not loving and loyal all of the time. It is sad though. I lost a good friend this year as well, she defriended me. We'd been friends since we were fourteen. At one time I would have thought it was me, but this was about her. I wish her well and mourn my loss.

    Take care woman.

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  11. What does this make you?...I know,you dont give a damn,but I feel the need to tell you anyway...It makes you beautiful inside and out and I am so thankful to call you my friend.I am so thankful for your post sweet Kj...it is helping me too...I'm not saying I am where you are...but I am moving forward,one step at a time and I am thankful to you.Love,Cat

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  12. annie, is that what i'm doing--forgiving? can't bless without forgiving? actually, i'm not quite there. but it's what i want and hope for. xoxo

    allegra, i totally love the way you say what you say, not just the wisdom of it but the rhythm too. i have no doubt everyone here will read your comment and tuck it safely within. and your nanny's discourse on forgiveness: OMG allegra. it's going on my sidebar. thank you my most dear friend. ♥

    jos, the words of 'iowa' make me cry. i love the song and am so glad it is with you too. ♥ i'm absorbing what you've said about forgiveness being for my benefit, not another's. i resist that, perhaps because i want to give a final gift. maybe that gift tricks me into believing i can, at least cosmically, right something that turned out wrong. but i know you speak the truth... happy new year, jos. stay close xxox

    oh thank you my dear wieneke. you understand my story, perhaps, more than others. and thank you for your caring and connection with stella. honestly, for someone to meet her and love her and then call her 'someone's dog' while holding an eraser, that was a reality check for me. that one is hard to forgive. xoxo

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  13. 'as long as i clutch anger and resentment i am harming myself.' yes, suki, it's pushing pain inward. it's best to let it dissolve,to let time and patience do their work. easier to say than do sometimes. but love is love. once it's planted, it grows one way or another. xo

    annie, wise words. sometimes time, place, circumstance, trump intention. happy new year dear annie. have yourself some fun!

    lynn, all year i have witnessed your enthusiasm and joy with life! whatever the secret to accepting and appreciating what is, you have unlocked it, my friend! and you are my official sketch inspiration and teacher. in case you didn't know that. :*)

    babs, you! i just love you!!!!!

    ah hells, that i would know how to repress. i don't think it's in my DNA. accept accept accept. that comes first for me. i'm probably 75% there, far enough that i want to and can bless. xoxox

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  14. lilith, you are wise and right in this. to bless and mourn at the same time is pretty damn good. i like to think i'm there too. happy new year: my prediction for you is that excitement awaits!

    aw cat. you touch me with this comment. i know, you know i know. i know you do too. here's to our year ahead, to our friendship, to letting it grow ♥ (since we're both trustworthy) :^)

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  15. You know, I've had two very difficult relationships in my life and both of them have taught me more about love and forgiveness than any other. And they have taught me that forgiveness is for the one who forgives. You sound like your heart is healing and I am so happy about that!! Much, much love, Silke

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  16. silke,yay that you're back! my dear marion says we get to place where it doesn't hurt so much to remember. i like that. and my own saying; soft friends protect us and hard friends teach us to protect ourselves. :^) much much to you too.

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  17. i think that it is healthy to ask that all be blessed...even those that have hurt us in some way...its not easy to do but i do think it is a healthy thing...

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  18. I'll go out on a dry winter limb here and say that anyone who would call Stella "someone's dog" is not worthy of the thoughts that drove the post that generated the comments about her. :)

    One of my biggest fears is my laptop dying because, unlike you, I have not backed up anything except the photos that my husband transferred to a disc in early 2011 (and hundreds more have been taken and stored here since then). I can be so stupid sometimes!
    I hope you retrieve your stuff.

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  19. What is it about this part of the year that invites memories and with them a sadness in looking back?
    Yes, I always feel sad at this time of the year too- but soon I shall shake it off and always I try to count my blessings and be mondful. Wishing you and JB a very happy 2012 filled with friends and health and joyful memories,and I DO believe our grands will look back at our blogs and probably laugh at how 'old fashioned' we were!!! Love ya and big smooches xxxx

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  20. it is often difficult for us to forgive but when we do we allow love to flow through us into the world.

    you have a big heart, kj. some of that love flowing through you will touch this person in your life who hurt you so much. and healing will happen in ways that we can't imagine.

    i wish you and your family all the blessings the new year can bring. and then some. and knowledge that stella is at peace and that memories of her will bring a smile to your face from time to time.

    with love,

    amanda

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  21. Wow, such brilliant comments here, on a truly thoughtful post,kj!

    I love this from Allegra..."forgiveness is the fragrance of the violet upon the heel that crushed it." It grabs my gardener's heart...

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  22. The forgiveness is for you. I'm working on a little of that myself. ;-)

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