Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Emily Rabbit's Advice on Bowling

First of all, it was NOT my fault that I was asked to leave the bowling alley. Nor was it my fault that the police were called when I refused to leave, because why should I have to leave when there I was enjoying myself, using my already accurate skills throwing frozen peas and frozen brussel sprouts to throw the bowling balls, and was it even my fault that a few times the balls ended up in another alley and okay one ball hit someone on the foot who was a cry baby and complained to the big ball manager?

Of course not! But I am starting to think that there is discrimination against rabbits and for that matter maybe even against hairy people because wouldn't you agree that I had every right to throw the bowling balls even though those green and red shoes didn't really fit me but the big ball manager said I had to wear them so I did but really I do think it made it harder for me to hop and then to aim, which is why I think one of my balls hit the Budweiser sign and the broken glass fell on top of a pool table which of course was not my fault either.

Anyway, I was NOT arrested because what would I be charged with? Disturbing the man with the big balls?

If you haven't bowled in a while I think you should, especially if you are mad at someone because you can really throw those balls and pretend you are trying to knock down some mean person or even a whole group of mean people.

This week I am offering some advice about how to be a good bowler. I hope kj understands that I should be paid for this.

1. Stick some chewing gum inside one or more of the holes in the big balls. Then when you throw it the ball with stick to your fingers longer and maybe that will help it go straighter.

2. It is not a good idea to throw the ball so high that it makes a giant crash on the alley because the big ball manager will blame you for cracking the wood, which I did NOT do but he said I could even when I told him I wouldn't he still said I shouldn't.

3. If you can't lift the ball, you can try to kick it, or better yet bend over and push it with your two hands (or paws, for my rabbit readers) from between your legs. Don't get discouraged if it wobbles because you never know.

4. If you should happen to let go of the ball and it flies behind you somewhere, it is best to look very sorry and maybe even apologize, because that could be another reason you would be asked to leave the bowling alley so why not just look innocent and sorry?

and finally,

5. If you keep throwing balls and they don't knock down any pins, run all the way down the alley FAST and knock ALL of them down yourself. The score thingy won't know the difference and you can end up with a much better score.

I think September is not only Animal Bowling Month but also People Big Ball Month so I encourage you to visit your local bowling alley. If you happen to hit someone or break a sign or worse of all crack the alley, my advice is to leave on your own before the police even come.


Emily Rabbit


  1. Emily, whether you're a brilliant person (me) or brilliant (you), you're just going to have to put up with a lot of joy-killing, party-pooping idiots in your life.

  2. That should have been "...a brilliant person (me) or a brilliant rabbit (you)..."

  3. mr snow, both your points are how very true.... (big rabbit grin to you)

    yours truly

  4. Hilarious Emily - the ultimate guide to controlling big balls!

  5. Glad you had such and "interesting" time, Emily.
    My paw is way too big for me to get claws into that bowling ball, so I would just pick it up and hold it in my paw.
    But when I threw it, the pins went every which way, so lose. And the manager suggested to me that perhaps the bowling alley wasn't made for someone as big and strong as me.
    I left with no hard feelings. I just get disappointed when Humans build such insubstantial things that get wrecked in the first five minutes.

  6. hahahaha...enjoyed it... dont know what will that cry-baby do if he sees you in the alley next time :)

  7. thanks for the anger management tip. always good to have a tool box full of anger cures. i know i'll have a ball doing this one.

  8. I so enjoyed reading this. When Cohen says he writes outside his personality, I want to follow suit, but haven't been able to yet. But maybe...if I'm an animal...


  9. emily,

    i have long wanted to run down the lane and knock down all the pins myself. i am so glad that i now have permission to disturb the man with the big balls.

    thank you.



  10. i never knew bowling could be so hazardess!! i, for one, am not venturing into another bowling alley without printing these handy tips. so thank you miss emily.

    be careful out there.

    p.s. my word veri is waver (you might be asked to sign one of these next time) :)

  11. I especially like number 5 and I think if you run yelling and laughing it's even more fun!

  12. caroline, i heard someone once say if you could control big balls, the world would be a better place. (i didn't notice that though at the bowling alley)

    what did you break, rob-bear?!!! it sounds like you had a nice manager than the one who was mean to innocent me.

    muhammed, i wonder if he will still have a bandage

    ms. suki, i think you should start with frozen peas before you advance to bowling balls. it won't take long and your aim will be better

    emily r.

  13. dear whine and words, being able to whine is a very good start. you should definitely be an animal. did you know i disguised myself as emily iguana and won the iguana beauty contest. you can be who ever you want to be if that's who you want to be, so i advise you to be whoever that is.

    amanda, for some reason kj is laughing so hard she fell on the floor and can't get up because she can't stop laughing.

    lori, i don't mind signing a waver: you just raise your paw and wave goodbye in sign language, right?

    mim, that is a very good idea except there might be times when you want to knock those pins down quietly and not get caught, don't you think?

    emily v.v. rabbit

  14. Can't remember all that I broke. When the pins went flying (one as far as the front door), I probably did a fair amount of damage.
    I encountered the same manager as when you were there. But considering that I am both taller and "larger" than he, his approach was suitably cordial. Had it not been, I would have torn off his head with one swat of my paw.
    There is only so much I'm prepared to Bear.

  15. 6. It's very important to get the lane with the bumper thingies down the side but make sure they're the type that you can raise up when it's other peoples turn.

  16. Great advice Emily!
    I especially like the part about leaving BEFORE the police arrive. That could be really important, and I'm glad you've learned that.

    Now kj can use what might have been bail money to pay you.
    I'll bet your fee is even cheaper, so maybe she'll include a tip.