Wednesday, March 09, 2011

Remembering Renee

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She died just a year ago and her voice is as strong as ever.
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The first time I ever heard of Renee I had read a comment she left on Studio Lolo’s blog and I found it strange that she signed it, “Love Renee." That sounds very funny to say now, but at the time it was more uncommon than not to be tossing“I love you’s over the blogs. That is one of her legacies: it was Renee who paved the way to fall in love with one another from afar and for real.
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Once I asked Renee how she managed to reach out and connect so deeply with so many people, how it was that so many considered her a most intimate friend?
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Renee: About being friends (best) with all, that is probably true, as you see I love all of my friends and when I am with each one, and I know this is weird, but they are the only people for me at that particular moment. And when I am with the next friend, then they are the only person for me as I give each person my full attention. I love everyone, to be honest. Please don't tell anyone right now, but Angelique just had a baby boy yesterday. So my wee Josephine has a little brother and I have a new grandson. His name is Dominic. So my two grandchildren are Josephine (2) and Dominic just born. I am over the moon and going crazy. Love you darling friend. And kj I want you to know that I think you are an incredible person. I just don't think that you know how really incredible and loved you are. Love Renee xoxox
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Renee was also a real-deal barrel of fun. She loved admitting she couldn’t even cut lettuce, she had no concerns about her weight or gray hair; she did not strive to be anywhere near a perfect wife; and she never held back her two cents on anything. She said ‘fuck’ like a prayer and when she said ‘holy shit’ you knew it was a compliment of high order.
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And didn’t I love ‘knowing’ her family. So many of us walked through their tragedy with them. I always felt especially close to Jacquie, probably because I am a Mother too and I so understood her loss of her son Sheldon. Now I root for Angelique and for Nadeline and Nathan and for Wahid, Renee's husband, every day. I pray Renee will hold them dear and visit them in their dreams and through dancing flowers at sunbreak.
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Renee: kj I love your comments regarding Jacquie. Jacquie is really the most amazing person and I could totally see you and her being the best of friends. You would fit in with all my sisters and we would spoil and love you to bits
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Renee loved to say she was selfish but that was nothing but comical. She loved her family more than anything and she was remarkably content with her life. Renee read my novel, in which a woman with a terminal illness painfully leaves her family to be with her soulmate, and she had this to say:
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So much fun. Congratulations Ms. Author. I was going to say about the cancer experience in the story and mine. I believe that your story is very true for many people. Almost all of my friends could have been like that. For so many they see a way to change and get what they want and have needed all their lives. For me it is so different, because I have always had what I want. I have always seen the birds sing and have stated my truth.Does that make sense to you?
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To me the most remarkable thing about Renee was her natural ability to zero in on exactly what was needed the most. She combined reality and fantasy in the most incredible way, and in every instance she made you feel worthy, whole, wonderful. With some of her blog friends, she flew the sky with them, with one she relaxed with her at a imagined cabin on the lake. She was my moon sister, Lo’s raven sister, Pattee’s gypsy sister, Sonia’s wise muse, Bella’s playmate, a neighbor on Blogland Lane. She was both the student and the teacher with Allegra. She sprinkled her passion and love and wisdom everywhere, and she never failed to reach the heart of it all.
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I met Renee at a difficult time in my life. A relationship I had trusted had inreparably broken apart and the aftermath was sharp and often cruel. This was someone who was also a friend of Renee's and who would occasionally leave a barb aimed at me on Renee’s blog. Renee knew how to tactfully and clearly handle even that:
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Renee: Why didn't I publish the comment? The same reason I haven't published many other comments by many other people. And why the very person you are speaking of I haven't published at least five comments and that is because they are direct confrontations to other people who read my blog. My blog is not for confrontation it is for my children. If someone makes a comment I put it down, if someone says the other person's name or refers directly to what they say and disagrees with what that person has said then they need to go to that persons blog, not mine. In other words if you said something about me and I didn't like it, I would go to your blog and say 'what's the problem.' I know that is too simple a solution in this case. But really and truly that is not what my blog will ever be about. And to be honest when I read comments like that I just shake my head in disbelief and love that other people get to read it because then they too can see how ridiculous it really is.
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Renee was steadfast that her blog was written for her family. At first she did not expect all the joy that she got out of it for herself, a joy that she described to me as her "lovely three pack a day habit." Make no mistake: the last year of Renee’s life was enriched and exalted by her blog friendships.
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I am one of all of Renee’s friends who got more than they gave. She went out of her way to keep me moving forward, to comfort me, even at her sickest. The first time she phoned me, which came after a comment I left about preferring actual contact to written words, she would not let us talk about her. She was stubborn that way. She kept coming back to me, picking up on my reminding me that my heart would be okay, and she refused to let me blame myself. "It's on her, not on you, kj." I will never forget that. There was no judgement: she just said it as a fact. I still remember that in moments when I need to . And later:
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Renee: kj, when your heart reminds you that you have good reason to be sad I also hope it reminds you that you have good reasons to be happy.
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Who had more credibility to say such a thing than Renee Khan, an incredible wife and mother and grandmother and sister and close friend to many and now a Senior Angel to all?
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I loved how Renee complained. She bitched without apology. : “Those fucking bats,” she’d say about the horrible pain of cancer. But she did not dwell in self pity or regret. She was too busy living, even when the living included horrible pain.
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The last time I heard from Renee, Lo and I had sent her flowers in honor of her mother’s passing. The flowers arrived on the day Renee reluctantly entered the hospital, where she would be treated for her pain until finally, the angels came for her and escorted her home, to the days beyond days.
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Renee emailed me.
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The flowers kj. They have made my day. I will use that florist from now on as they are truly beautiful. I will try to call you if this pain subsides. Love Renee xoxo
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What I would give to hear her animated voice. To find her comment on my blog. I love you darling, she would say.
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Yes, yes, Renee dearest darling friend. I love you too. I love you to the moon and back.
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Love
kj
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25 comments:

  1. Hugs to you, kj. To all of us who loved Renee so. xox Pam

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  2. This is truly a lovely memorial to Renee. I wish I had known her better...I connected with her just shortly before she died. Love and hugs to you, kj, you were such a great friend to Renee.

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  3. Has it been a year already kj? it's hard to believe. This was an incredibly beautiful post and you are a beautiful person to keep her memory alive and here with us.

    But she will always be, she is the angel of blogland and i feel watching over us all.
    i miss her too.

    LOVE,
    lori

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  4. The best are going first, KJ. Renee was/is a remarkable wise and courageous woman. You made a wonderful tribute to her.

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  5. I think Renee would love to read this post KJ, it's so full of loving reminders of what Renee was like and what a special friendship you shared with her. Really uplifting to read and smile with you here KJ. Warmest hugs to you xx Jos

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  6. pam, yes yes ♥

    marion, i wish you had known her better too. she would have loved you, marion. i am so sure of that. and you would have given her so much.

    lori, did you and i meet through renee's blog? i should know that. xoxo

    thank you wieneke. i hated that she died. really, i did. i do.xoxo

    jos, we love her so much. it's that simple, isn't it, jos? and she left us one another. she knew what she was doing....xoxo

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  7. lovely post KJ.

    I really miss that lady.
    when I went to that wake the other night I said to his wife how sad I was that I hadn't known about his cancer - that I had been involved in family issues. She said to me
    " how do you tell people you are dying?" and I thought of Renee. She told us, and helped us deal with it.

    I really miss her....

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  8. mim, you are so right. she taught us so much. i don't see dying in the same way. she called it life after life. i'm glad you knew her sis.

    love
    kj

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  9. A year... I did it without her encouragement and love. I can not believe it. My only answer is, she is still in my heart, everywhere I go.
    I am so much more me with her friendship. I learned so much.
    I miss our friend, her comments on my posts and the brazen love she threw around.
    I have to do it now.
    I love you kj, to the moon and back!

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  10. Dearest kj, Your words so truly express the gift that Renee was (and continues to be) to us...thank you..

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  11. Wow, a year already.

    I miss her too, but sometimes have conversations with her and Tessa, asking them for advice, remembering thier love, talent and generosity.

    Thank you KJ for this wonderful tribute to our friend Renee, you are a wonderful person, and that's the kind of troop Renee surrounded herself with, angels like you.

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  12. What a heartfelt tribute! I would expect no less from YOU, dearest KJ. I won't repeat my Renee story here.....you know it.

    I was one of many whose life she changed for the better. And...yes, she taight me, too, it's alright to say "I love you" to everyone you care about.

    I miss her so - but she lives on in my heart forever.

    I love you, KJ - and JB, Stella and your family too!

    Always,

    ♥ Robin ♥

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  13. This post makes me cry today because between just you & me kj (Lol!) i should be relenting & having a little hospital stay... But like Renee i always try to keep my family first & hospital can be such a waste of my time without them... You write like a Angel yourself kj & i ~Thankyou~ for your post today to remind me of the Beautiful, Strong Renee... <3 (Ps) i ~Love You~ x

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  14. i miss her too, marie. her comments were like hersey's kisses. :) i don't say i love you alot, and never without thought. so may i thank you for the sentiment and tell you the feeling is mutual. i love you marie to the moon and back too ♥

    chrisy, thank you. i know how special renee is to you, and of course i understand. thanks to her we are together strong. xo

    lola, will you cook for me someday? will you? nothing would please me more!! then the next day i will take you out to dinner! thank you for your very kind words. if i am an angel, i am the hell raising kind, just like renee. i don't mind that one bit. xoxo

    robin, i remember those early days,when you commented without your own blog. i'm so glad you found renee and me and so many other special amazing friends. i love you too ms.

    vicki, dammit. i hate that your cancer is back. you have the same spirit and gutsiness that renee has (i cannot talk of her in the past tense) and i love you and am inspired by you. but please, don't cut corners. go in the hospital when you know you should. ♥

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  15. Thank you for stopping by today. I have to let go of the pain and the missing and the sorrow and start recognizing that she is not gone and never will be for as long as I keep her in my heart, and there she is, until the last beat of it and I am sure even after that.

    She told me that the moron was actually a...you know the rest. And actually it made me laugh. Somehow it was so out of character and yet, the truth was more powerful than any fear to cause the wrong impression. I learned from her not to keep quiet even when I knew better. I have never been afraid of controversy, but not on my blog.

    Her blog was for A, N and N and I think a bit for Wahid as well, although I think he knew her better than she knew herself so she wanted her children to know her at a different level.

    I will always miss her, like I miss after half a century my Mother's voice and her laughter.
    But I have my memories, a poor replacement but until we meet again and we will, that I know with certainty of life and death,
    they will have to do.

    And it was because of her that I met you and Robin and Jos and Karen and Elizabeth, and Pam and each of you have done your best, perhaps unbeknownst to you, to remind me of the gift that respecting and caring for each other is the best memory we can keep of my beloved Renée.

    Much love from here on this special date.

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  16. Hard to believe it's been a year isn't it. I saw Angelique's post this morning. She was pretty awesome that woman even amid the pan and anguish and her blog is an inspiration even now. Well worth visiting when you feel low, it helps you realise you are never alone in your pain be it physical or psychological. I have her Christmas card on my wall and frankly, it brings a sad smile on a daily basis. I feel proud to have known her even though we never met.

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  17. Lovely tribute to a lovely lady. Where has that year gone?

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  18. This is amazing. I read it last night at midnight and cried. I couldn't comment because I was speechless. This morning I read her last 4 emails to me. I'll never get over how much she meant without ever meeting her face to face. The important thing is, we met heart to heart.

    xoxo
    Love,
    Lo♥

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  19. Beautiful post Kj. I have thought many times of writing a post for Renee, but it never felt like the right time. Not a day goes by that I don't think of her, love her or miss her. xoxo

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  20. Omg KJ She died just a year ago and her voice is as strong as ever. That is sooo true. I went around to a few blogs last night and it’s amazing how much Renee meant to everyone. I laughed and cried. To the many people who did not know Renee I would say to go read her blog now, as they would get to know her.
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    Renee said you are an incredible person, I believe she is right as you truly have made a difference in so many people’s life’s.
    She said ‘fuck’ like a prayer and when she said ‘holy shit’ you knew it was a compliment of high order. I had a good laugh over that one. She sprinkled her passion and love and wisdom everywhere, and she never failed to reach the heart of it all. That was Renee alright.
    Renee: kj, when your heart reminds you that you have good reason to be sad I also hope it reminds you that you have good reasons to be happy. What a great way to look at life.
    It doesn’t feel like a year has passed already but in some ways it feels like it’s been much longer.
    A huge hug to all of Renee’s friends here. Love to each of you.

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  21. kj, she sounds a lot like you. Love, Margaret

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  22. such a beautiful post and tribute to Renee. Her smile is wonderful to see and her words heartening to read and her warmth that spread to so many people when she was in illness and pain is astonishing. A lovely person and thank you for opening a window into her life.

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  23. What a pleasure to come here and read this posting. Renee has given those of us who were privileged to "meet" here online beautiful gifts. One of those gifts is definitely her abundant, overflowing love. Another one is connection to other friends of hers. Elizabeth introduced me to Renee; Renee introduced me to Allegra - and now, to you. More gifts.

    Your other blog looks so interesting to me, as I am now in a big career transition myself. I will enjoy reading you here and there.
    Thank you for stopping by to see me and leave a comment. Thank you for these memories of Renee. Blessings to you.

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  24. i miss my auntie renee dearly.

    I had the pleasure of going to angeliques for tea... which turned to play time.. then dinner.. then more tea. She has many of her mothers traits and it is contageious to be around.

    thank you for this post. It brought me warmth on this cold wintery day.

    Taylor
    (Renee's neice)

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  25. I am behind as always in visiting, but this was the most lovely 'conversation' and really showed Renee' heart and goodness. She was amazing! I mean, I am that loving way with people who mean something to me, but to many, not so much. It does please me when people say to me 'We know how busy you are and the stresses you deal with...but when we call you, it is like we are the most important thing in your life, you take the time to comfort or educate or worry with us. You mean the world to us...

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