Friday, January 14, 2011

Deep Love & Who I Know


"What if the question is not why am I so infrequently the person I really want to be, but why do I so infrequently want to be the person I really am?"~ Oriah Mountain Dreamer
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I'm falling in love again.
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With some important lessons finally learned.
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In 2006 I willingly welcomed myself to a state I called 'deep love.' JB and I had just moved here to #9, I had left my job to give 100% to writing my first book, I had started my blog only months earlier, and I was beginning to make room for the importance of friends.
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Since then I spent two plus years with more highs and lows than I'd ever experienced from one relationship in all my life, and I have spent the last two plus years trying to repair sad regret and harmful fallout from that relationship.
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In time I hope I will mostly see the blessings, and those were as real. I'm learning that deep connections don't end when a relationship ends. If left on its own the cord continues to hold two people together. I'm learning this from a wonderful woman who is both friend and teacher.
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A friend and I once joked that maybe hearts can bounce instead of break. I do think Resiliency is underrated. But my heart broke. It did. What was my part? I jumped too quickly. I allowed myself to feel adored. I became intoxicated by passion. I was naive. I (probably) chose the wrong person.
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But.
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Still.
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Here I am again, feeling very much like I'm surrounded by "deep love" again. I hope this time I'll let things be and get it right, because I know in my bones that love and loving is at its core everything that matters.
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I can't remember another time when I've had so many wonderful people in my life. All ages, all backgrounds, all perspectives, kind and h0norable and interesting and talented people.
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None perfect.
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I spent last weekend with some writing friends I've known now for five years. Several stay at my house twice a year, we laugh over breakfast, in our pajamas even; we write, we talk about the world, we sing. I know how to recognize a good friend when I spot one. I'm lucky in that regard.
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I have a friend from work who makes me laugh my ass off--she's so irreverent, and smart as in PhD-still-working-on-the-dissertation. Another knows every laborious detail of my screwed up parts and I know hers back. And how sweet and honest and comfortable is this: I can't even remember who recently said to me, with a delightful absence of judgement, about said relationship above, "kj, how can you be so together and so fucked up?"
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In the last year I have made two wonderful friends and I love learning who they are. I met both through this blog. How many times do I remind myself that it's important to have in-person friends, not just blog friends, and it's so true, but god, the friends I've made from the blogs...
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I could go on but no need. For whatever reason I've heard a lot of talk this week about 'What's it all about?' Honestly, I don't know. I don't know why I'm so vulnerable some times and I don't exactly know what's expected of me here on this planet.
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But I know there are many many good people in my life. I haven't even mentioned JB and my Jessica and my Mom and my family. That's everything right there. But there is MORE. Relationships that challenge and teach and astonish me. I think I am reaching the edges of Deep Love again.
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I am not interested in asking if I'm a good person or if I am good enough. I am.
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So there. I'm wanting to live that way. That's my answer to every question. For all of 2011. And maybe longer, even. :)
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love
kj

15 comments:

  1. Way to go!!! This is a fabulous post, really and truly. I'm so very delighted for you.

    I'm so happy you are using the capital "I" in this post. You are a stupendously capital person, dear kj...might as well admit it!!

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  2. Ah KJ, how I love coming here and reading something like this post. Uplifting and open from the heart stuff.

    Hearts do break and when they mend they aren't the same as before. Wisdom comes at a price, but it comes nonetheless. And in it's wake we learn that an open heart mends more quickly than a closed one.

    Lots of love to you. xx Jos

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  3. Sooo...nothing going on over here.

    HAHAHAHAHAHA!

    Passion! Love! Self worth! Writing! Breathing! Being! Seeing! Meaning! Love~Love~Love!

    Good for you, fellow child of the universe <3

    xoxoxoxoxox

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  4. Always uplifting visiting here, thanks so much!!

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  5. I LOVE this post! Your words are wonderful and are matched by the wise comments of Marion and Jos!

    Deep love is ALWAYS worh the risk of heartbreak.... and Friends....well, they enrich our hearts abd help to heal.

    Love,

    ♥ Cupcake ♥

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  7. Helllllllooooooo Kj :)

    ... I'm a great believer we should strive to make at least one person happy each day - starting with ourselves is a must*!*

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  8. love this. i have a post in the same vein that is half written. this might just inspire me to finish it.

    when i don't know myself, i do know you and our dear BY friends...you help me find me.

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  9. marion, you are a capital person dear marion!

    jos, this comment is so right on. 'an open heart mends more quickly than a closed one'. i think you are totally right, jos, and you've said it brilliantly. lots of love to you too xoxo

    ms. rhonda roo: ♥ you make my heart sing, honest to god!

    thanks sag, i've been thinking of you and yours. take care. xoxo

    robin, yup, yes, yup. good to know, that's for sure xoxo

    annie, that is a great thought. that is a great way to walk through each day. thanks for everything, then and now xoxo

    kris, what a total treat to find your comment here. we hold each other up, we write our truths, we become ourselves. and none to soon
    :)

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  10. Im learning from you,you know.Every visit,every word,you make me stronger and nervous..about stretching out my hand and freely giving me heart away to friends..out of bloggy world friends..I'm still scared to trust...but you inspire me and I am thankful.
    I am soooo happy for you..lessons learned...way to go friend.
    Big Hugs,Cat

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  11. Good thoughts for 2011...a day at a time and may you have more good than bad (of everything!)

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  12. Karen, love is a many splendored thing... like they say. And it's true!

    I just like to send you my love and to say thank you for your friendship.

    I am leaving my blogs for good. Just like to make some last stops first. I am going to miss you. I may not sign in as Silver anymore, but if i stop for coffee, i think you will notice. :)

    Hugs,
    Silver

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  13. Well nanny nanny boo boo. :p
    (and tons of love back at you)
    BE WHO YOU ARE
    ~*~*AND*~*~*
    LOVE WHO YOU ARE
    it's the only way to fly.....

    :) XOXOXOXOXOXOX

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  14. Oops, what i meant to say before that nanny nanny boo boo was I finally learned to come back and read your comments! :)

    XOXOXOXOX

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  15. cat, 'every word,you make me stronger and nervous..' haha cat! what a combination! i wonder what makes you so cautious about friends but i won't ask yet :) xoxo

    teri, honestly, i want ALOT more good than bad. i want ALOT good. ALOT :)

    ah silver, thump goes my heart. i will miss you. i will look for you for coffee. i will make hot buttermilk biscuits, cut up a honeydew melon and strawberries. please stop by for coffee....seriously, in a short time i we have connected in some way. i'm glad. i hope we will connect again but for now i will say be well and be open to love. it just might find you again, to your great delight ♥

    ms nanny nanny boo boo, come fly with me, you riotous silly girl ♥

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