Thursday, September 09, 2010

Contrasts

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Last weekend a little boy went to his first fair. He ran from ride to ride, from game to game, riding a merry-go-round motorcycle with the seriousness of a professional race car driver. He swung wildly inside a magic dragon and put his arms up the the air while his Mother held him tight on his first roller coaster.
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Last weekend another little boy settled in with with his Father after failing in three foster homes. He kicked and screamed and cried when he was told 'no' or asked to share. He swung wildly too, but his dragon was not a magic one and he had no Mother to hold him tight even though his roller coaster is by now both familiar and treacherous.
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By now I've talked about my work often enough that it is known that these days I am a psychotherapist and half of my clients are children. Three of my clients are siblings: 5 year old Angelina, who I've written about, and her brothers, ages 7 and 4.
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Just before I left for vacation, Alex (I have to make these names up) was returned to the custody of his Father. He will live with his Father and over the next few months his younger brother and Angelina will transition there too. The state agency that protects children will stay involved for another six months at most, and then these three children will be the responsibility of their Dad and his girlfriend.
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Their Father loves them. He cries when he is told what has happened to his children since they were taken from their Mother for neglect.
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Their Father is also very poor. He did not have the money to buy Alex his required school uniform for the first day of school. He was just laid off from his job as a cook.
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I am particularly worried about Angelina. She will stay with her foster Mother until after Christmas, will transition slowly by way of afternoon and then weekend visits. But Angelina's foster Mother loves her and makes sure that she is always well dressed, adorably so. She braids her hair everyday, makes sure her sneakers match her clothes. I don't think that will be possible when she leaves foster care.
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Angelina's foster Mother has terminal cancer. She is still active but it is unknown for how long she will feel and be well. She has asked to remain in Angelina's life once she is returned to her Father. But I worry that Angelina will not be able to look so pretty, so fashionable, once she is relocated.
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I worry about how poverty will affect these children.
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I worry if his Father and Father's girlfriend can handle Alex's needs. He does not know how to calm himself when he gets upset. He does not know how to trust that he will be loved, especially and even if he is 'bad'. Small wonder: he's gone through three foster homes in the last year.
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I look at my little Mr. Ryan, I see the joy on his face at that county fair and I know he will be safe. His wishes and dreams and needs and fears will be supported as much and as often as possible. God willing, he will grow from a child to a man who knows he can trust the world. There is no question about that.
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I can't say that for my three little clients. And you know what? I hate that part. I hate it.
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I can handle this work. Someone I was very close to recently and sadly accused me of bragging about myself and making a hullabaloo about people I 'feel sorry' for. I know that is not who I am or why I do this work. I have the ability to emotionally hang in and I'm creative and resourceful. It is good that I'm involved with this family. I am involved because I care and because I have the skills to help. But I also know this kind of work changes a person. I can handle that too.
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I don't know what I wish more: that the trauma of the past could be taken away or the abundance of the future could be assured.
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I know this isn't easy to read. Thank you for reading this. And you might as well know I have an ulterior motive.
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Come the holidays, I will be asking for contributions for this family. I have loftly goals. Maybe Emily Rabbit will hold another charity auction. Maybe my friends and visitors here will band together and we will raise enough to guarantee gifts for Christmas and new clothes and summer camp.
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Maybe things will turn out better than my fears.
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Did I mention that these are three wonderful kids? Totally wonderful. We-who-know (if you're reading this, I'm including you) can only do what we can do, but I have a feeling whatever we do will end up a giant gift to ourselves.
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P.S. I am not writing this so you will tell me how great I am to do this work, so please don't do that. I'd rather hear your ideas about how to help, your thoughts about class and poverty, your own feelings about how sucky and unfair life can be for little kids.
P.S.S. I've not yet ruled out a happy ending.
Love
kj

20 comments:

  1. god...

    I will happily donate a full outfit for each of these children and a toy or two?? will that help in any way? Can I send them love and joy woven into the fabric? Can I send them some loving security in a cuddly toy?

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  2. my beloved mim, yes. yes. yes.

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  3. I will too kj, i will give, i will find a way.

    "i don't know what I wish more: that the trauma of the past could be taken away or the abundance of the future could be assured.."

    do we have to choose? can it just be both? thats what i'm praying for, both.

    and even though you don't want me to say it, Bless your heart kj, thank goodness for your caring.

    xoxo
    lori

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  4. I am always impressed by the stories about 'your' children, KJ. I know you don't want to hear compliments...

    The difference between your own grandchildren, who get all the love and chances to become responsable caring adults and...
    the children in this case.
    Can you tell me what the American government is doing for the father and his kids?

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  5. kj - Cover your ears so you don't hear this. Wait, cover your eyes so you don't read this next sentence.

    You do important work very well.

    Okay, you can open your ears and eyes now! And I would love to help. Count me in for something. :) I will chew on this one while driving over to my mom's this morning.

    You and Angelique have me thinking, thinking. xoxo!! Pam

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  6. I remember your post about Alex. I will surely help...if you send me the kid's sizes, I can put some clothes together for them, kj.

    If money would be better, I can send that, as well. Or a soft blankie, with a pair of slippers and a teddy bear...

    Just let me know.

    And don't read this next part. I think you're incredible! And I believe your love and caring for these little ones will make their day to day lives so much better...it's awesome work you're doing every day, kj!

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  7. Kj, As one of the kids who had a very sucky childhood and also as one who is poor and getting poorer due to vet bills, I want to do something, Perhaps all us ETSY sellers can give a percentage of our sales to the cause. I don't know how much I can give, but I will give something. Keep us posted.
    xoxo

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  8. That's a mighty powerful contrast.
    Heartbreaking, really. I don't think there should be such a split in economics in such an abundant country. I know, Pollyana!
    I had their childhood minus the foster homes. I know you know that.

    Perhaps I'll do a painting and auction it off to the highest bidder and turn it into a gift certificate so their dad can do some Christmas shopping.
    Being unemployed still, I'm thinking of ways I can help.

    And you ARE wonderful and loving and good at what you do. So there!!

    xoxo
    Love,
    Lo♥

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  9. lori, wishes are gifts too, so wish away, dear friend.

    wieneke, these kids live in a state that provides healthcare to all, so there is pretty much unlimited medical and counseling help available. while in foster care, the kids get day care, clothing food and clothing allowances, oversight and supervision. the state agency is mandated to assure their safety, but not their happiness. when they are returned to their father, within six months, health services will continue but he will need to apply to welfare for food stamps. there will not be money for clothes, only through charities and churches. that is when my worry will have escalated. xxoo
    \ps email to come. so so sorry my friend. i understand only too well

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  10. KJ, I will do what I can...if I am working by Christmas, I will happily donate for clothes and toys, if not, I will still send a little something. Life IS NOT fair to some....and those of us who have it easier, should try to help those who have not.

    You KNOW how I feel about you and your talent towards helping these kids..... it's a real gift from God.... you are making a difference in their lives.

    I love the photos today....it has already been an emotional, up and down week for me....and these bright colours and lively, joyous shots made me smile.

    Love,

    ♥ Robin ♥

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  11. I cant believe someone would think that about you. I think its a way to bring acknowledgement to what goes on outside our own bubbles. To let ppl know not everyone has the comforts so many take for granted. Someone has to say, "HEY this does happen". I for one think you talking about it in anyway is bring awareness not self indulgence. Shame on the person who thought that. Shame on anyone who would think shedding light on subject is self indulgence. Shame on anyone who has no sympathy for children who dont have a choice in their life..Shame shame shame. When that statement was made to you, that was a clear indication of someone with a lack of compassion, a selfish heart. Good people dont think that way neither does a positive person. True colors be shown in that statement and you and no one needs that kind of friend.

    Love ya girlie xoxoxox

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  12. Hi KJ. You amaze me. I'm sorry that some people think badly of you for posting about your work. I love to hear about what you do ... knowing that there are people who don't just do their jobs ... but care.

    I know only too well how the affects of a less than ideal childhood lasts into adult life. One of the things I love about being an auntie is seeing the children I love so dearly grow up in a safe, secure and loving environment ... and contributing to that in my own small way too.

    To be loved and trusted by these children is such a blessing ... a thing I never thought possible in my life. Can I help too please KJ? I want to. It is important to make a difference. More important than we know. xx Jos

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  13. Well this is a huge problem. Not just for this one family but for millions more like them. So many people are out of work right now, people with college educations and who had good jobs, but the economic downfall has hit them hard. One of my clients is a supervisor/contractor with little work/odd jobs now/age 58.
    Others have lost their homes due to the economy and/or loss of job/can't afford house payment!
    I encourage people to donate big to charities who help these populations: churches, RED CROSS, food banks, etc.

    I could write a book of sad stories of abused children I have seen over the years in my private practice (counseling)....heart breaking stories that go on and on.
    I'm glad you are waking people up about this family and I hope their generosity will extend out even further.

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  14. you don't want to hear this, but those kids are lucky they have you in their lives. not every child in foster care would have a therapist with the heart you extend to them.

    as lynn said in her comment, there are millions in the same situation. we can only help one at a time, or in your case, three. i would love to donate clothing for each child, or a Christmas gift, depending on what is needed most. will be keeping posted on what you and emily rabbit decide.....

    sending love and hugs xoxo

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  15. prudie1, i like thinking with you. ♥

    marion, we will have a holiday event and we'll do what we can for this family. thank you and thank everyone. we are such a good bunch!
    info to follow.... xoxo

    thank you annie. i wish there is something i could do for you and mr. b. there are prayers hovering above you, that's for sure.

    lo, that is a great idea! we'll start pulling it all together in a month or so. last year i got marianne's INCREDIBLE mandala (be still my heart!) and oliver the parrot got caroline's INCREDIBLE water color. this year we;ll have a lolo original, maybe from others too, and we'll spread the word near and far! xo

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  16. I am glad you are in the world to give voice to the sadness of these children/families. They cannot speak up and out themselves. You do that for them. I am glad your dear grandson is surrounded by love. That is how is would be in an ideal world for all the children.

    What would be the best (most useful or most fun) sort of donation for them?

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  17. I have to believe that what we do helps, but sometimes the need those of us in the field confront is overwhelming.

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  18. robin, your heart is generous. anyone who knows you for ten minutes knows that. but I know you are also an imp. emily knows that too. :)

    aw sonia, i don't often reveal this kind of thing, but i will tell you this: you probably saw the actual comment directed at me on a someone else's blog. and if you did, you just didn't know it was aimed at me. :( thank you so much for all that you say here. you are right. i know in my heart that the absence of compassion for others doesn't bode well...love to you, sonia. i 'm so glad things have lightened up. take care. tsup!

    jos, thank you thank you. definitely you can help. i will plan something on my blog, probably in early november. you know what i've come to understand: all the wounded little girls inside us can be mothered by our adult selves! love you, jos.

    lynn, it's hard to do the work we do and see what we sometimes see. but good that we both know it is an honor. i get back everything i give and i'm sure you do too. why the world is as it is is a question i'll be asking for my lifetime. why hunger? why poverty? why injustice? i'm glad i can do my part. thank you for your thoughtful comment xoxo

    thank you amanda. i love to know you will watch for emily's grand plans. :) now i'm off to see what you're up too ♥

    suki, i'm not sure what is best or most needed--yet. i'll be trying to figure that out. i suspect clothes and toys. thank you for caring and sharing. ps see you soon! yay!!!

    cs, yes, sometimes i think we are in a secret club that is required to tolerate the pain of others. which is true except for the secret part! fortunately, we get to share the joy and successes too!
    pss see you soon 2. yay!

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  19. "Someone I was very close to recently and sadly accused me of bragging about myself"

    I will just mention that this isn't the first time you've written about a supposed friend saying something that--if it were said to me--I would interpret as containing a fair amount of hostility.

    I don't envy you your work. I like kids a lot, and could probably do a decent job with them, but worry would haunt me just as my memories of the fifth graders I taught more than forty years ago still haunt me. Some things are just too sad. I am glad you do what you do.

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  20. I'm delighted that you haven't ruled out a happy ending.
    Possibilities are very important for us all.

    Hopefully love will trump over any material needs and all will fall into a comfortable place for this young family.

    Nothing stays the same forever... good or bad.

    I try to help families that I meet that are in need of it. They are everywhere.

    take care and I am happy that you are a loving soul and are able to help who you meet too.

    xx

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