Sunday, June 27, 2010

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What a great weekend I had. Nothing like spending precious time with adored wonderful children who laugh when they are happy and cry when they are upset. Simple and real. Sometimes I wonder how we adults lose that simplcity along the way.
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It's been too long since I've written poetry. I love poetry. I used to write prolifically, sometimes two or more poems a week, but one day a bit more than a year ago, I just stopped. I know why.
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I wrote this poem on Nerissa Nields' couch one Monday night when I was still lost and reeling and even so, wishing, wanting to allow for something good.
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It's much easier here in the blogs and for most of us to share and write optimistically; harder to talk about what's wrong. I think this is actually an optimistic poem, but lest anyone think, despite my many blessings, that I'm coasting along with a heart with no cracks in it: nope. Not me.
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If you've been hurt, please accept this poem as a rest stop along the way. I think some good comes from hearts that break. I'm not as sure as I used to be, but I'm still pretty sure.
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If a heart can break in two

Can it break in fours

And eights

And sixteens and thirty twos?

And if it can break into that many pieces

All small enough to fit in the fold of my hand

Can I shake those pieces up,

Shake them in a martini tumbler

Or hand them to the crappier at Foxwoods,

Ask her to toss them long and hard;

Watch them tumble all over the surface that is me

Spilling all that unused love into welcomed waiting corners

Like warm raindrops in the August sun.
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Love
kj

27 comments:

  1. WOW!
    That's beautiful!
    and so is the post!

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  2. It IS so beautiful, and so good. Your words made me remember what it felt like to have a broken heart. I'm pretty sure it's a good thing though kj, to suffer heartbreak and loss, without the rain we wouldn't have flowers.
    I'm sorry if i'm not making sense, i am so sleepy and really should be off to bed.
    ♥ lori

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  3. Love it. How fortunatele that our hearts seem to have an inifinite capacity to mend, no matter how many pieces they our shattered into. The poem reminds me of one of my favorite Indigo Girls songs:

    "And I wish her insight to battle love's blindness,
    Strength from the milk of human kindness,
    A safe place for all the pieces that scattered,
    Learn to pretend there's more than love that matters."

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  4. marianne, ♥! do you know that song,'see you in september"? i'm thinking, see you in august!!

    lori, i can't go so far to say a broken heart is a good thing, even though most researchers agree that a person cannot live passionately and fully without the experience of heartbreak. it wouldn't be my first choice though!! :) please keep reminding me about the flowers and rain! xoxo

    soulbrush, i know.....♥

    cs, i think those pieces form a mosiac, right? but cs, that last line of the song, 'we learn to pretend there's more than love that matters'. i'm not good at pretending. i think there may be way more that ALSO matters, but i wonder how i skipped the class on pretending, because i wouldn't mind navigating that way sometimes. xoxox

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  5. I have sat in your header;)

    KJ, who might that orb be...the one in the lower left of the header? I know the upper right is the streetlamp.

    Hmmm, a visitor ;)

    I'm glad you had a pure, if exhausting weekend with the boys. They really are adorable.

    And I love the poem. My heart has been broken so many times I've lost count of all the little pieces. I know my heart is whole again though, albeit changed.♥


    love you!
    xoxo
    Lo

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  6. That is a beautiful poem KJ. Looks like you had a wonderful weekend, filled with so much love & fun. The water shots & Drew in the wagon, soooo precious. Have a great day!

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  7. Wonderful poem. My heart has been broken a million times, but it glues back together rather well.
    P.S. Where oh where is that MOMA post?
    Love.
    xoxo

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  8. Lo, I didn't even see the orb until you pointed it out. If your thinking it may be, you know who, I'm laughing because, one day after Sheldon passed , Renee, Jacquie & I heard something we thought was Sheldon playing a trick on us. While Jacquie & I were trying to make sense of it, Renee had already moved on. She turns to us and says "Jesus Christ you two, If you're going to question every sign you get, you'll miss all the messages." So now we have taken her advice to be open.

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  9. lo, the thought of you in my header makes me laugh outloud! i don't know why! haha! i'm always amazed and i guess comforted when anyone talks about broken hearts from a good place beyond the pain and grief. i try to remember that: that here is life afterwards. i am not experienced. only twice has my heart broken, and this last time has lingered. your heart is certainly whole, my dearest friend. whole and huge. xoxo

    camille, what do you think about starting your own blog? i hope robin sees this and tells you how much renee helped her start a blog of her own, and how great it's been for her. xoxoxo

    annie, god, you are something else. i just LOVE your rhythm and bounce!!! i don't know where you got that wonderful resilence but i love that you share it with me and others. xoxo ps. okay okay, moma post coming just for you. :)

    camille,

    "Jesus Christ you two, If you're going to question every sign you get, you'll miss all the messages."

    this is classic renee. she says things like this like no one else, ever. and of course she's right. how are you and the family doing, dear camille? i wish i could visit you and fix dinner....xoxo

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  10. Kj, Lo.....Camille, all, Renee has spoken words of wisdom - yet again! Don't question the signs......LISTEN!

    Camille, you don't know me....but, I, along with 500 others, met and still know your remarkable Renee.
    She helped me during my darkest days..... (KJ and Lo can attest to this)......encouraged me to begin a blog. (Although I am NOT an artist nor author.) Renee told me - "You Feel, You Can Write"....so I began my blog in March. Still regretting Renee did not live to see me do so...

    The amazing people who "live" in Renee's, KJ's, Lo's worlds - are wonderful, inspiring, encouraging.

    I have seen your now-frequent comments here..... it means so much to us that you "visit". I hope that one day, you, too, will be inspired to begin your own blog.

    Love to all who visit here and rememember our wise and beautiful Renee,

    ♥ Robin ♥

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  11. P.S. Dear KJ, I believe there IS a story behind this heart rock.....will you share?

    Love,

    ♥ Robin ♥

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  12. Can I shake those pieces up,
    Can I lose them,
    Here,
    There,
    Anyhere?

    Ah KJ I know this feeling. So well. I have been in this place. And I think that perhaps hearts that break ... well ... they eventually heal ... and when they do, they expand. To take in more.

    Like mine, and I hope like yours.

    xx Jos

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  13. robin, your comment gave me chills. all of it so true. and robin, i am SO glad you have a blog. it is a wonderful blog! come on, camille! join our sisterhood!!! come!!!!

    robin, this is the heart i found on the front walkway of my parent's house, maybe two months ago, while i was cleaning it out. so many memories, at a time i'd been looking for a heart for a project robyn is creating. and there is was: a heart rock from my Father. xoxo

    jos, the scars make hearts stronger, perhaps? i know you understand this place, as i do yours. it's too early even yet for me to know what it all means, how it all settles. and for the most part that's okay. the grief hasn't deminished my love, and actually, surprisingly, i'm okay with that too.
    thanks for coming by jos. you are always welcomed. ♥

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  14. lovley words sad and hopeful both

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  15. kj, that is just lovely. I stopped writing poetry then started again, have even put my new one on my blog....
    My WV is 'refrog'..I guess we leap in and out of motivation eh? Happy days to you. xx

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  16. I love that, KJ. It's so beautiful and true. Growing up, my heart was broken, trampled on, and smashed to pieces many times over. And now I think it was a good thing because I know, I understand, and I am certain that there is not much my heart couldn't handle, take in and transform into love. And my heart has much love for you! Silke

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  17. suki, yup...

    sag, i will love to read your poems. i'm glad you are writing them again. it's true i leap in and out of but i'm not sure it's because of motivation? sometimes i wonder if it's destiny, or karma, or unstoppable passion. :)

    awww, silke, i just love you. you are so honest and real. i think what you say is (actually, will be) true for me too: i know i can get through almost anything once i've traveled through a heart that cannot understand, can barely accept. email coming. xoxox

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  18. HAHAHA! the word verf was dicsi.

    dicey. isn't that sometimes the truth?!!!

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  19. KJ, how wonderful that you "found" the heart-shaped rock.... I have NO DOUBT your Father MEANT for you to have it....

    I love when these things happen!

    And I love you, dear friend!

    Love and hugs to you and Stella,

    ♥ Robin ♥

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  20. Wow, you guys have made me feel sooo welcome. KJ, the visit & fix dinner! That would be fantastic!
    Robyn- I’ve been reading all of your blogs for quite some time now. Renee has called me her “history keeper” as I save all her blog posts in case they would be deleted here. I, also- as she said, was responsible for the great art heist, so funny. I told her I could see Josephine , when she’s 16, reading and hanging on her Gramma’s every word. What a wonderful gift she has left us all. Robyn you said” The amazing people who "live" in Renee's, KJ's, Lo's worlds - are wonderful, inspiring, encouraging”. Yes I totally agree with you. I know how very special you all were to Renee & how loved Renee is by all of you. A true Sisterhood!!! Thank you!

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  21. Camille, I know everyone in Renee's Blogging world is thrilled to have you join in and share life with us. And....I really believe Renee is pleased as punch! One of the reasons dear KJ is putting "Renee's Book of Love" together is to ensure Josephine and all the family have a "tangible" thing - a book, where pages can be turned, words read and love shown....

    We love her always - as we do you, Angelique, Wahid and all the children!

    Love to you and our "publisher -extraordinaire", KJ!

    ♥ Robin ♥

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  22. You are so fine!!
    Even with breaks.
    Wonderful!!

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  23. I think there was some resignation in the last line of that verse. I don't pretend well, either. At least, not for long.

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  24. My heart has not been broken much, but aches a lot. There is that saying 'my hearts not in it' and maybe that is what a broken heart is? But every day must have something healing in it, for us to go on. We must not lose 'heart'...

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  25. WOW!
    WOW!
    WOW!

    what an incredible poem... think it was something i really needed now!

    thanks for sharing this gem....


    i'm really in awe with the imagery...




    Spilling all that unused love into welcomed waiting corners

    Like warm raindrops in the August sun





    beauuuuutiful!

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