Saturday, March 27, 2010

Bullets


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I have a job at first I thought I was too old for, and I actually might be, because it requires driving and parking and walking and visiting clients in some parts of a poor inner city where violence can spark.
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It's been two years since I became a psychotherapist in a community mental health center. There are offices to use, but most of what I do is see clients and sometimes their families in their homes.
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At first I was nervous about going to the low income projects. There is one I won't go into again. Then I was careful around Mason Square, where I'm told gunshots sometimes come out at night. And I have learned some things that surprise and even bowl me over: what to do if a client grabs my hair, how to figure your exit in advance if a quick exit became necessary.
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All of this has proved to be pretty innocuous. I'm not saying I don't have to be aware and street-wise, but generally I am comfortable and most people I see smile and I smile back. Once when I stopped to use the bathroom in McDonalds a middle aged black man told me he would stand outside the door until I came out--no problem, he said.
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Another time a woman stared at me and said, "You're not from around here, are you?", and I leaned over and grinned, "Why do you say that?" I asked her. "You don't look like everybody else." I can't believe I hadn't thought about it. I looked around and sure enough, there were black faces and Hispanic faces, and my white face.
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So where am I going with this? Well, I work all over the city and there are parts that are treelined with single family or duplex houses and some have two parent families, well maintained yards. I tend to see clients there at the end of the day because the street is safe and I can stretch the dark a little longer.
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Well. So much for that. Two weeks ago there were three bullet holes on the front porch, a drive-by shooting at 2 am. No one was hurt, but my 18 year old client had left the living room only ten minutes before the bullets.
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And one of the bullets happened to come through the living room wall not more than eight inches from the couch where I sit every Tuesday at 5:00 pm. It richoceted off the woodwork and into the side wall, probably two feet above my head.
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Ironic, huh? There is no reason for me to change anything, really. Sometimes I'm part of the drama: that' part of the work and I love the work. So many of my clients worry about their neighborhoods and potential violence and my risk is far less than theirs, even if it's far more than if I were doing a different kind of job. For me, I feel reasonably safe, I feel reasonably confident about my judgement, and it's another reminder that you can't get too comfortable with assumptions. Trust in God but tie up your camel. I've always liked hearing that.
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It's Renee's Birthday tomorrow (Sunday). Just a year ago I was writing to her and falling in love with her wild and wonderful ways as if I had known her for years, not for barely two months.
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I am positive Renee, even if she has been required to become somewhat holier, will like this birthday cake. I wish I knew what she would say. I miss her fantastic comments so much.
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I am completely in love with this wonderful watercolor by Caroline Soer and I can so easily see it as the blog header, and perhaps the cover, for Renee's Book of Love. I look at this and I think of Renee, of wings and flight, ascending from plane to another, free, strong, beautiful. Caroline has said yes, and offered another--a gorgeous meadow with wild yellow flowers. But I keep coming back to this one....
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One last thing: the Sex Survey. I don't know how I am going to shake up the questions and not repeat last year's, but I will try. If you haven't yet read last year's first annual sex survey, I can't help but direct you there because really truly it is hilarious. I think even if you are uncomfortable with the subject matter or the details, you will find yourself really laughing. I was laughing non stop by myself last night. It started with Renee and never stopped.

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kj

38 comments:

  1. I have a lot of respect for you, going into some of those neighborhoods, where guns abound and people are wound a little too tightly. Be careful! I love the painting. :) And Renee would simply howl if she saw that cake - haha! xo Pam

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  2. pam, i showed renee this cake last year and i may just bake it up every year on her birthday. do you think she is swearing in heaven? really, do you think she is?
    xoxo

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  3. I love your survey kj and Renee's comments just made me miss her..
    Sometimes when I read a blog post I'll always waiting for Renee to add her humor and wisdom.

    I definitely have a story for Renee's book!

    I have the "swine" flu and have been so sick!!! Is there a dead line?

    Happy Fucking Birthday my dear dear Renee!

    Wow you have an intense job! I so admire people like you.

    Much love~

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  4. pattee, take care and rest. you must feel awful, i hope someone is scooping ice cream for you.

    there is no deadline for renee's stories. it will probably be months before we figure out the book part. i will love to hear your story with renee, pattee. you made her very happy.

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  5. You were not sitting there when the bullets flew in, and no one else was either, that is no accident. I believe we take our safty with us. Don't take huge risks, be smart, like you are and you will be fine.
    Happy Birthday Renee! I love you.
    She would(does)love the cake!xoxox
    P.S. No worries about the sex survey.

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  6. now how does that saying go... the path of least resistance can lead you towards the storm?

    anyway it sounds to me like you are doing exactly what you want to be doing and that in itself is fantastic.

    love the cake and
    will always love renee.

    xoxo

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  7. I've said before and will say it again, (and probably over and over)

    God creates a few people like you who are equipped to do this kind of work.Not only can it be dangerous, but heart wrenching, as well.God bless you,and all the places you enter.

    Now that cake is something to write home about! And since she's home,,well, she's hooting, you know she is! I think I hear her,,,

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  8. annie, 'we take our safety with us'

    i love that, annie. i will remember that forever. i'm wishing you the best sunday. xoxo

    robyn, i love this expression also. my weekly schedule--a balance of paid work and writing etc--is the best i've ever had. i just am so grateful for it. i've also earned it, many years working many hours. xoxo

    babs, there are approx 20 therapists in the agency where i work. if you came there, you would see regular people,just like everyone else. but i do agree that the work can be elevated to a sacred place. i think that has happened for me, actually. i also think most work can, no matter what it is. xoxo

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  9. Hello there KJ! Im sorry that life has kept me away from my internet pals for this last while - and yet its good to know Im not forgotten - and neither are you :)
    I applaud and covet your bravery Dearheart...you keep on your toes but dont let the bastards get you down or chase you around - You Go Girl!

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  10. I will come back later when I have actual internet service and not just my BB.

    LOVE th cake!!

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  11. My life is lived in that hood and to be honest I doubt I'd feel any more comfortable somewhere else.

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  12. Happy Birthday to Renee (which means I am sending joy and good wishes to the universe, how awesome is that?). I want that cake on my birthday, and I am off to read the survey.

    p.s. you are right about the soaring bird for the cover of her book.

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  13. In my last neighborhood, which was very quiet and safe and suburban and even included the home of chief of police, someone drove buy and fired some bullets into a couple of houses. No one was hurt, but a reminder of how illusory safety is.

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  14. lavender, i am so delighted to see you here.please come anytime. lavender, there is a wonderful wonderful group of folks who visit here. i wish you would join us. ♥

    mim, you are quite missed! thanks for the BB quickie. ♥

    mark, yes, i am comfortable too. ♥

    middle, thank you for all these affirmative comments! so did the sex survey live up to my recommendation? hee hee

    cs, illusionary is a good word. reminds me of the story of the woman who was so afraid of being mugged that she never left her house. she never got mugged but she never left her house....♥

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  15. I think if it is really heaven, she can if she wants to. :) xoxo

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  16. gorgeously yummy cake for Renee. I hope her angelic mouth is watering and she is laughing too.

    You are an amazing woman, to do the work you do. i admit, i dont think i could do it. guns, in any neighborhood,in anyone's hands, make me uncomfortable. so easy to shoot off when angry.

    you are bringing hope and help to many who need it. Blessings to you. May you and all be safe.

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  17. Happy Birthday Renee, Beloved Moon-Raven-Sister! KJ, how sweet both you and Annie left her greetings! The "F-Cake" is perfect! Of course she loved it - and, still does. (And yes, I think Renee is not alone when letting an occasional "F-bomb" loose in Heaven..)

    KJ, I had no idea of the peril your job sometimes entails.... I knew you were a brave woman with a big heart - but - you are a wonder.
    I respect you so much.

    I love the saying about the camel -that sums it all up...

    Many, many hugs to you on this day!

    Love,

    ♥ Robin ♥

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  18. read the first sex survey. interesting. i esp loved reading human being's answers as we learn so little about her life directly although some via her poems.

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  19. pam, i haven't said 'fuck' nearly as much since renee got her wings. i used to walk around her yard and say 'fuck fuck get lost cancer cells. i'm glad you seem pretty sure she doesn't have to clean up her language up there. xoxox ps feel better.

    suki, i've never seen anyone with a gun and 90% of the time i feel totally safe and comfortable. i would be more concerned about some of my clients who are mentally ill who might lose it for some reason, but i keep an eye out when i need to. ♥

    robin, i put the F cake on my sidebar but i took it down two minutes later. i am a prude at heart--hee hee. i am happy to say i am able to relate to most people. that is a gift i was given and i treasure it. ps robin, surprise is in the air. that's all i'm saying....♥

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  20. yes, suki, i was touched that hb took the survey, shared so much. she is an amazing courageous woman. i wish i could transport her and her famiy where ever she would want to be, whenever.

    but suki, did you giggle too?

    :)

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  21. Wonderous work. The world needs you for sure. The bullet didn't hit you for reasons. Keep doing the work...with such great attitude...and smiling back.

    Sex survey...interesting. Work related research? Or just "research?"

    While I never "met" Rennee...I imagine today is a fucking beautiful one for her.

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  22. linda, aahahahaha! work related research? not even! i don't know where i got the idea or courage to even do such a survey, but boy was i pleasantly surprised!

    so more coming. i think....

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  23. Trust in God but tie up your Camel-I LOVE IT.

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  24. PS I'm back to say:
    I ADORE the painting by Carolne,
    and the camel saying both.

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  25. Scary stuff. And surprising where the violence lives sometimes and where gentleness thrives. You are very fortunate to be able to do a job you love and help people despite the inherent dangers.

    I feel for Renee's family on her birthday, it's the high days and holidays when you miss people the most.

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  26. Be careful and be aware!
    I adore the cake and so will Renee.
    Happy Birthday Renee!
    The Hummingbird is a beautiful picture.
    Have a safe and magical week.
    Love and hugs kj!

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  27. Wow, you are some brave lady - me I shrieked this morning when I thought my husband was about to fall off a ladder. I haven't followed Renee's story but understand how awful it is when dear friends are taken from us. As for the kingfisher - now that;s a bird that continually appears in my writing, yet in 72 years I have only seen one once for real. The watercolour is amazing. Beautiful.

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  28. left south africa because of the crime, but it is all here around us in london too. you are very brave, and wonderful to do this job, and yes bake this cake every year and happy F birthday darling renee.

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  29. oh and i adore that piece of art of caroline's it's perfect.

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  30. HA! Love the cake! It's almost like a prayer....

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  31. Hi KJ, I just know what you're saying. I think our body, mind and souls are changing. Maybe this is something that comes as we grow older. Maybe it takes a life time to understand ourselves from all the voices that influence and visual impact. A slowing down. Not of thought or activity. Slowing down of inner vibrations. Being more in tune
    with our existance.

    Well back to the earthly us,lol!
    I loved reading Renee's answers, just like she is here still. I know she is still with us. In another vibration.
    Love that she as been called senior angel.

    Loads of love!

    Julie

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  32. dk, i'm always happy to offer a proverb i like!! xoxo

    i love the job, hells. i'm lucky that way; i kind of stumbled on to it after years of being self employed and several career reincarations. i imagine renee was SO missed yesterday at her family's birthday party for her. xoxo

    marie, likewise and ditto xoxox

    hello wild sommerset child, how nice of you to visit. i will be headed your way soon. the work doesn't feel brave anymore; just interesting and good! xoxo

    soulbrush, renee encouraged us to say 'fuck!' with abandon! i am still yelling 'fuck! fuck!' in her yard, shooing away the cancer cells. habits grown from love die hard. xoxox

    deborah, almost like a prayer??? you make me giggle. i dare you to pray over this cake on your lovely patio. if you do, i insist on pictures! xoxo

    julie, you are a wise soul. that is probably how come you know so many angels so well. xoxo

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  33. I have come to sing to you in an effort to restore your mental health after the terrible blow I gave to you and Deb by not picking you as sunny. Ahem...
    "You are the sunshine of my life...That's why I'll always be around (da deedee dum ummm)...You are the apple of my eye...
    Forever you'll stay in my heart!!!!" (twirl, twirl, kick!). I'm sure you feel much better now. That's okay. No thanks are needed. xoxoxoxox Pam

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  34. I think it cheapens the apology that Pam left it on my blog and yours...and did you hear how off-key she was! teehee!!!! **kisses** Deb

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  35. Oh, sill me! When I saw Bullets...I thought you meant those little dots at the margins of important topics, haha!

    Then I remembered what your "day hunting" (that's cat blogosphere talk for job) was and where it took you...

    And then I read on...just wasn't your time to go!

    I must have been too new to blogging to take your test but will this year...and I'll go back and read '09's, thanks for the link!

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  36. oh dear, i didn't leave a comment and heres why, i got so distracted when i clicked over to the sex survey i forgot to come back!!

    you are right, hilarious!! so so funny kj, it must be the most brilliant post ever, the comments are hysterical.

    there is so much in this post to comment to though. your amazing job, or i should say amazing you. i'm in complete awe and admiration for you, how did you come to do this type of work? and how i wish i had taken that path in life. i'm imagining a protective bubble to surround you to keep you safe always while your out saving the world.

    and the cake! and renees birthday, it's all so sadly sweet isn't it? did you bake this cake kj? i would be like you, put up a photo, start blushing and quickly take it back down. oh well.

    lots of love to you kj dear friend.
    lori ♥

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  37. SO much here to respond to - you make me think, smile, tear up, laugh, think some more, want to eat fucking cake, full out cry.... I think the bird in flight is perfect. Renee and I used to talk a lot about the sky - I would try to help her in times of pain, with guided imagery. We always ended up in the sky, and she seemed happiest, lightest, freest from pain there, at least for moments.

    I couldn't help but see the stray bullets as a symbol of how we are all targets for drive by fear in life. It comes flying out of no where and we are given a choice about how we will respond - will we cringe and pull back, hide out and lay low? or will we act foolishly - dance recklessly seeking out the places bullets fly? Or maybe we'll continue to follow our life passions, respecting the signs of danger that line the path, but not allow them to stop us without trying. The recent storms that sent trees crashing through roof tops, that fell and killed pedestrians, were also random shootings from nature. Our next door neighbor is now so afraid of falling trees she has decided to have all the 150 year old oaks on her property taken down. She sees the tree in our yard as a sure thing headed for her bedroom. Fear has taken over and changed her life... I admire your healthy respect for the obvious dangers you face, and now the awareness that we can experience random acts of danger any where, any time. My "bullet" came in the form of breast cancer, with no family incidence of cancer, no risk factors - we are all vulnerable, and we all must continue to live our fullest lives, or what's the point? much love, karin

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