Saturday, February 20, 2010


The winter air in Winnipeg freezes stoplights.
These days she is either blogging or throwing up, the bats in her stomach fluttering with a fury that will bring her down, soon enough that the yesterdays will freeze themselves in remarkable place and one late afternoon her family and friends will face her absence, a loss of something so huge the space she leaves cannot freeze. It will never freeze. She is dying now, writing in her own wry and wily way for her family and to her great surprise, now for a few hundred others who follow her light irreverence, cry real tears for her willingness to deal, doggedly try to package love across the keyboards, each of them in so deep that their stomachs ache for her and they cannot eat, cannot stop thinking about the bats, unlike her, who keeps writing, keeps the light on, keeps the chill at bay. “Fucking bats” she might say, often accompanied by a little piece of art or inspiration “Those bats won’t leave me alone today.”
It might be today in Winnipeg when the air lightens and the stoplights swing again and the bats stop their torment. This might be the day when she will die, 53 years of living large, tucked under her Senior Angel wings, ready for her next assignment.


  1. And all of us will be left behind, a hole in the heart so big that all the stars could shine through to show her the way back here. I feel sorry for you and for me and for all those whose broken hearts are tonight silent, crying for her voice that would no longer be heard.

  2. I feel the pain too.

    Renee rests in my heart as she is so wonderful to have around.
    I love her dearly and will hang out with her often. I doubt she'll ever leave.

    I feel very lucky to know her. I'm wiser for it.

    take care kj
    big love to you
    be well

    xoxox Ribbon :)

  3. I just read Anglique's post - and raced over here to send you a hug. this really sucks.

  4. Serene thoughts ease troubled seas.

  5. our sweet sister renee.
    god how we love her.

  6. We love our sister, Renee, so much. I can hear the hearts breaking all over the world. I'm sending you my love, kj. This is so damn hard. xox Pam

  7. How the sadness weighs me down today. I know I'm not alone. My love reaches out to all who love this precious girl...

  8. I could barely find the right words to say to Angelique who already is so much like Renee.

    I'll never be able to look at a raven ever again without thinking of Renee.

    What amazing grace she has shown during her time here.

    She loved large didn't she? She embraced the world.
    How comforting to know that she's surrounded by family and her best friend to send her on her next journey.

    I know we're left behind, but something tells me we'll each hear from her again in our own way.

    I'm counting on it.

    I love you KJ. I know this hurts.


  9. beautifully written KJ. I am crying now. Life is so strange with the birthing and the dying. Why?

  10. i saw angeliques's words
    i read them
    i know the time is near
    i fear.
    what do i fear?
    the emptiness
    without her
    the hurt.
    the knowing
    one day it will be me.

  11. I've been away from the computer for a few hours and come back to this. My heart is breaking, though we all knew this would happen. I have no words, only love.

  12. It is astounding to me how many have come to care so much for Renee. She is truly an extraordinary woman. I hope she finds peace and yet I am keeping the candle burning.

  13. I know how this hurts. Love to you, kj, and give yourself a hug from me.

  14. KJ, Renee once told me that she will always be with us. She brought so many people together, and she lives within us, within the relationships formed around her, lives changed by the spark of Renee...she's so much more than a spark...she is the Olympic Torch for us, and her light will never burn out. The Life of God can never be extinguished. We must be what Renee has always been, pure love, and it is time to pray for God to reward Renee with a good death. It is time to allow her to stop fighting and be free from her pain. The name Renee was a prayer upon many lips as they drifted off to sleep last night.

    I believe in life that never ends. It is the very truth of God and not the invention of any man.

    Let the hearts brought together by Renee live in love and live splendidly in honor of a life well lived. All my love to you, Deb

  15. I am in tears and pain, but I know that death is not real. I believe that with all my heart. Renee will never die, her spirit is needed elswhere and we have to honor that and let her go. I want her suffering to end and I want her to dance with God and eat jellybeans.
    I so wish I could have met her and walked with her, but it is not to be. Renee is in our hearts and blended with our spirits and NOTHING can ever take that away.
    Renee will live forever. I will miss her on the earth and I will think of her always. I so wish I could talk to her and tell her how much I love her, I can't, but I believe she knows.
    Kj, I love you too.

  16. Deb's words ring so true. Renee IS brighter than the Olympic torch and her spirit will continue to shine in everyone whose life she touched.

    May her life and her courage inspire all of us in ours.

    Life everlasting....



  17. Just stopping by to send you another hug KJ. I know it isn't anything like enough ... I wish I had more to offer than this. I wish so many things. I loved what you wrote in Mims blog. Perfect. xx Jos

  18. So beautifully written, kj.
    She's always been larger than life, and will remain so. She's completed her work here and must go to Him. I'm betting she's excited.
    I pray that we have learned well, and will carry on with the work she did.
    We will see her some day, and until then, her light lives,,,,,

  19. I've been following Renee's blog for a while now, and I'm so sad at how she has suffered. I'm still praying she will get well.

  20. O my.......
    I feel so sorry for everyone near to her.

  21. Can only send warm thoughts and cyber hugs, to be so well-loved - she is truly blessed.

  22. Just stopping by to see if there is news...and to give you a hug.
    **kisskiss** Deb

  23. everyone, your comments bring such comfort, not just to me but to eachother.

    we will have a senior angel watching over us. and no more pain for our beloved renee.

    i am out most of the day today, but i will be back to visit each of you. thank you for all the love we share. we are all so much better because of it.


  24. She is a teacher to all of us, isn't she?! And such a friend and example! With the biggest soul I have ever seen...not to be contained... Love, Silke

  25. Very sad. But we all knew this would happen sooner rather than later. At least now she is comfortable, surrounded by those she loves and waiting for release.

  26. Kj I've been crying since last night ~
    it is breaking my heart knowing that Renee will leave us all. Our angel that has walked among us will now just reside in our hearts.

    My heart is in a million pieces...

    I hope to God and I mean you fucking God take her with no pain!

    I love you Kj
    Yoborobo told me that she thinks that Renee secretly was getting us all together and I think she is right.

  27. I refuse to be sad. I refuse. Still those bats and let her have peace and new place to stretch out.

  28. Nice dispatch and this enter helped me alot in my college assignement. Gratefulness you for your information.

  29. hi... just stopped in to see where things are at...

    here's a tip... time for word verification kj as penis enlargements aren't what we're needing right now ;)
    hope you are laughing too... I was scrolling reading others comments when I came to the advertisement... made me laugh.

    Renee often made me laugh too.
    She's a true gem.

    xoxo Ribbon

  30. This post is so beautiful, a salve for all of us who are heartbroken about Renee's pain, about her lingering. Thank you for moving me, again, to stop and be thankful for her and for this wonderful community.

  31. I love you kj and I am so sorry for our broken hearts.

  32. she's already an angel, she's always been one.

    your writing is so beautiful kj you really do have a gift.

    sending love in flurries and in sunshine. love and more love.

    sad sad lori

  33. I am sad :( i am glad you have her and she has you :)

  34. What beautiful, soulful words for who seems like a truly beautiful soul.

    I always find it such a privledge to be a part of those lives.A gift.
    A wholeness.

    Strength to you dear friend...and peace to her. She will continue her work-her voice...I have no doubt....through you.

  35. I'm sending you cyber love, that unique blog love you talk about,
    because there is something unique and wonderful about this community, about these connections.
    That we just feel and speak truth.

    I want to be like Renee and spread wings of love everywhere. She spread them in her family too.
    I've learned much from her in such a short time. I feel honoured that she visited me. And will stay with me forever.

    peace to you in this difficult time