Wednesday, February 17, 2010

What I Know About Renee


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Everything looks promising in my house. Winter tulips tell me that in 4-6 weeks, Spring will come and I will see ground again. I still like my work, I still write, I have many more good days than bad.
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But these are hard times, hard times. My friend Renee is sick, friend to so many of us--we of this blogging community that has taken residence in our lives--hospitalized, absent from the sacred spot in daily life she has occupied for a good year now. It isn't just her unbelievable story and her amazing family that has drawn so many to her: it is so much more.
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Renee notices. Her comments tell you instantly and clearly that she has listened, remembered, knows what's going on with you. She's real. No phony baloney small talk, no wasted words. More than once she has reached out to me, understood and protected my shaken heart, insisted we talk about that and not her. Doggedly insisted: "Nothing about me, kj, I'm fine, of course your heart just needs time to heal, kj, it's not because of anything you've done."
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How is it that I would come to love someone I have not yet met, face to face, love so surely that her illness and my helplessness about it feels as though she must be member of my family--my favorite cousin perhaps, or closer, more accurate still, perhaps my sister.
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I know I am not alone in wondering how this kind of love actually works, how this kind of grief actually figures out how to express itself. I have experienced this long distance closeness once before, and I can telly you that I know it is possible to love in this way; to care, to share, to commit. I know it is all totally genuine and totally real. I know the bonds will live on for years.
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The thought of Renee in pain is so difficult. From what I understand her pain is being managed, controlled, so she can rest comfortably. She is in the hospital, being cared for, finally able to rest. Hopefully she will soon begin treatment which hopefully will banish her bats.
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The thought of losing Renee is almost unbearable. Already I miss her daily visits and comments to me. I miss her amazing choices of art, her BLD's (breakfast/lunch/dinner), her angels and gods and goddesses, her 1950's women's rules of etiquette, her fuck fuck fucking bats and her use of the word fuck like it is her own private prayer. I miss her incredible writing skills. She is such a fine writer she makes it look so easy, effortless. I miss the comments from her so many friends.
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I miss knowing she is nearby, reachable, comical, courageous, tender, articulate, wise. She is teaching our community how to live, how to participate in moments and live them fully, how to love, how to prepare, how to let go, how to die.
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"Ask me anything kj," she says to me. And she means it. Anything I ask her she answers. I ask her what she would do if she were me, and she doesn't hesitate. She speaks like she writes. Renee notices.
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So for the first time in my life, and for all of us lucky enough to have Renee as a great friend, how exactly do we deal with our worry, sadness, fear, nd love--so much love--for our friend in Winnipeg? How do we wait, how do we reach out, comfort ourselves, comfort others, praying first for Renee's comfort and then that she will rally, be back with us soon, that we will open up our email or blog and will see her classic 'xoxox Renee'? I will jump out of my chair! I will be over the top happy.
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I think there is a thin line between living and dying, this life and that, here and there. This is one of the things I am learning from Renee. I am less afraid because of it. But I am not ready to lose her. I want her back, soon, comfortably, better. I wants the bats banished. I love her. I am combining my prayers and energy and spirit with so many of Renee's other dearest friends to help her heal, to give strength to her family, to let her know she could not ever ever be alone.
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This is what I know: I fell in love with Renee and I am in love with Renee and I will always love Renee. She has a place in my heart and she has come to stay. Whatever her assignment, she is a Senior Angel, as special as the angel wings she opens for everyone who loves her. I am blessed to love her, and I am so so thankful for that.
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Love
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kj

35 comments:

  1. kj I've said this to you privately before but we all knew that Renee besides being a wonderful and inspiring woman with an awesome family was eventually going to get into strife. I miss her too . .I rub a little reindeer in a boat that she sent on a Christmas Card this year, every day. Thanks to fellow Aussie Nollyposh, a candle burns brightly for her and we all wait anxiously for news. Bless you.

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  2. i never thought i would admit this, but i too am in love with renee. i am usually so cynical and even bitter about love, but with renee that's a all it is, pur elove. i met her through your blog, dear kj, and she has entered my heart. not a day goes by without her being in my thoughts and around me. i think of her as my guardian angel. dearest dearest renee...don't know what else to say. i will add the candle to my blog so it may shine bright for her every minute of the day.

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  3. I feel absolutely terrible that I do not know Renee, that our paths have not crossed in the blogosphere. I feel sorry for myself and all others who have not been befriended by her because you have convinced me that my life is lacking something without her. I feel sick for those of you who know and love her and I send serene thoughts to all of you as you wait and worry. Your special friend is in my prayers.

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  4. kj - it's so strange that you posted this. Just this morning I had an email from a friend in CA (that is fighting breast cancer) and follows Renee's blog, and she asked me "What do you know about Renee?" And here is the title of your post. I love Renee with all my heart. I don't even remember how I found her blog, or what post it was that I finally said "Screw it, I'm replying to this woman." And I did that for awhile, and then amazingly she came to visit my blog. Renee has opened a world up to me, and she has given me so much love. I don't pretend to know her well, but you know, with Renee that just doesn't matter. This is an affair of the heart, and Renee's name is inscribed on mine forever. I will jump for joy with you, kj. You know, there will be hundreds of us jumping for joy. A Renee earthquake. :) xoxoxoxo Pam

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  5. Renee. Her name is a constant prayer upon my lips. She is so much stronger then all of us.

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  6. You must have been looking over my shoulder when you wrote this.
    Renee is everything you say, times a million.
    I miss her too, my raven sister.

    Those of us that have her address should be bombarding her mailbox with love so someone can bring her mail to her hospital room. Perhaps they've brought a laptop for her to see even though she may be too weak to type a response.

    I know this. She knows she is loved. She's the one who taught us what it's really about. She's the teacher, we're the students.

    Let's not count her out. She's one tough cookie and she has lots more to do here.

    This is a beautiful post KJ. Thanks for writing it.

    xoxoxo
    Lo

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  7. You've said it so well. Renee is heaven sent. I would love to send her a card. Would anyone know the hospital she is in?

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  8. This is a beautiful post, kj. Renee is such an inspiring,loving woman...even I, who barely know her, felt the love emanating from her responses to my comments on her blog. I have always felt she was one of those Special Teachers some of us are so privileged to meet during this lifetime.

    I will light a candle and say a special prayer for Renee this morning...surely with all the prayers and blessings being sent to her, she will gain strength and come home, without the bats.

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  9. baino, we are in this together. you rub your reindeer and i kiss my christmas card. i wrote this post not just for myself: i think it helps when we can share and carry eachother's hope. and thank you nollyposh for our candles. xoxo

    IF ANYONE WANTS TO BURN A CANDLE TOO, JUST GO TO MY POST BEFORE THIS ONE AND CLICK ON NOLLYPOSH'S COMMENT. THE LINK IS THERE. IT IS SUPER EASY, ONLY ONE OR TWO CLICKS AND THE CANDLE FLAME IS DOWNLOADED.

    soulbrush, i know...and you know, joss, let's face it: knowing that your heart welcomes so much love can only be a good thing. that is part of renee's gift, i think, that we give and accept love so freely, so openly, so often. xoxo

    lydia, may i make a suggestion? go to renee's blog, start where ever you want, and meet her. visit her blog here and there--you will feel her love. you know a good book can reach in and change you forever? that is renee. xoxo

    pam, after seeing your comments for so long at renee's blog, i am very very glad we are now getting to know eachother. i know what a good person you are and i find comfort in that. let's practice our jumping, pam. xoxo

    deborah, the prayers you have left on renee's blog mean so much to her. she has told me this more than once. xoxo

    lo, you are so right. renee really is a tough cookie. thank god the hospital will be a forced slow down for her--i don't know how she's made it through the last four months. you are so special to her, laurel, you know that. xoxo

    ld, renee is at st. boniface hospital in winnipeg. your card will be welcomed by her family too. xoxo

    my dear friend marion, i think your morning prayers have helped renee. i like to think that you and deborah have a phone line to the gods & goddesses. would you put the candle on your blog? the more the stronger, together strong....xoxo

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  10. Oh my God, kj, you have me in tears with this beautiful post. You know how deeply Renee's pain and sorrow and struggles have affected me, too, dear friend. There is no one else like her.

    And there is no one else like you, either. You are both always in my heart.

    Hugs and love,
    xoxoxo
    Angela

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  11. Renee is greatly missed all over the world. I agree with Baino..we knew this day would come. Your post is beautiful KJ. Through her I met you, and Laurel, and many others. I believe in the tree of life, and Renee's branches have spread out greatly through many countries, souls and personalities. I will hold every conversation dear to me forever. I want no more pain for my dear friend. Ok going to stop writing am at work and crying cant answer the phone like that. And Renee would tell me Knockk it the fuck off Sonia..LOL. I am going to keep it real and honest as she has told me.

    Love you KJ
    xoxoxoxoxoxox

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  12. Love, yes I love Renee too. I am crying right now as I miss her so much and am worried for her. This is a beautiful and true post Kj, you are so lucky to have been able to talk to Renee, I am lucky to get emails. I hope to talk to her and even meet her one day, somehow.
    Love you too. xoxo ♥
    P.S. Thank you Kj, because without you I would not have met Renee.

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  13. angela, i look at my angels--you know which ones, and i feel such gratitude, such love. i keep saying we are in this together, over and over, because we are. i love you too, angela. it is my privilege. xoxo

    sonia, ah, so we met through renee. i was thinking about that the other day, 'how did i meet sonia?' get the fuck back to work, indeed! i can hear renee chuckling. the tree of life is so apt. thank you my friend. ps how is your moleskine? :)

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  14. Ah, Dear KJ,

    You are wonderful to write such a post - filled with truth. Renee IS an Angel - and we all want her to remain one here on Earth with us. In these dark days, no matter if one is facing personal heartache, loss of job, home, Renee is a living embodiment of courage and hope....something all of us need.

    Lolo said it right - Renee (although an Angel), IS a "Tough Cookie".....she is fighting just like St. Michael - sword in hand. She will not give up - and neither should we.

    Our task is to support her any way we can - cards, prayers, healing thoughts - every day. I love the candle you and Annie have on your blogs. As the "blogless one", I have a real candle burning for her daily....

    Sending Renee, her family, you and all of Renee's many friends world-wide, love and strength.

    Thank you for posting the words we all are feeling.

    Love,

    ♥ Robin

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  15. My prayers have been pain free, then return to us. How she returns is kind of up to the fates, but I am strong in my conviction that she will not go away. Love never goes away.

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  16. seems we can love someone just through another person's words about her...

    i join you all in loving her and sending positive vibes for her...



    Renee
    you are a river
    running through our hearts
    just flow
    just flow

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  17. I've only known Renee for a few months, but she is one of those people you meet once in a life time,,,, if you're lucky.
    She's as instantly tucked into your life as a favorite pair of jeans,or a pair of well worn slippers.Comfortable,comforting, fitting,and real.
    A new,old friend,,,who genuinely cares. An 'old soul' who teaches us still.Even in her silence we hear her leading the Gypsy Caravan, urging us on. Her road is rough, but she doesn't skip over the bumps; she meets them head-on. As we listen we still learn.
    As much as she is loved on earth, she is loved even more by her Father. She's in good hands.
    We light candles, we pray,we love, it's all we can do,and it's enough.
    We expect miracles, in whatever form they come, and to me, Renee is a miracle received, for which I am grateful.
    Thank you, kj,,,,,for bringing this miracle my way, and for this post which allows me to speak to the on-going work of Renee, an angel in Gypsy clothing.

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  18. That was beautiful, kj. I don't know Renee, but I do know how much empathy you have and that you have a heart as large as the sky. Your candle for her is perfect, and I for one will say a prayer. Love, me xx

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  19. Kj, thank you for this most wonderful post about our friend and loved one, Renee... I think I met her about a year ago and I'm not sure how I found her. But I thank the spirits that be that I did.

    She's also carried me through rough patches in my life...all the while dealing with her own. She's an angel here on earth...
    Love ~Pattee

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  20. KJ, Thank you so much for finding out how renee is, I have been going back and to, visiting her blog to see if there is any news. So great to here that they have her pain under control.
    What a lovely post, Renee is everything you wrote and I thankful so much she has you as a friend!

    Loads of love!

    Julie

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  21. This is my first time in your blog and I am here thru Julie-Ann. I know Renee and I call her an Angel. Thank you so much for letting us know on how she is doing.
    Hugs,
    Flor

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  22. The heart is drawn by energy communicated. It need not enter through they ears for the communication to be. We are constantly learning the subliminal forms of communication and studying it to beejeebers and back, when the simple truth is you have gotten connected and studying it and pulling the how and why of it apart is best left for them in the white coats. Just receive and return it without questioning it.

    May your friend soon receive the best possible out come from her troubles.

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  23. I can't believe you have tulips blooming already.

    I miss Renee, too, and find my thoughts turning to her throughout the day.

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  24. thank you for writing this kj...I have only met renee fairly recently and like you say, her comments are always kind and real, straight from her heart. I have been praying for her daily since I discovered her blog a few months ago and started following it. You are so right, Renee is an articulate teacher of what it means to be alive, to be a friend, to be a human. It is a very thin line between life and death...a breath...that's all.

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  25. I am not dealing with it kj. I am tired of my friends, family, and teachers being taken from me.
    I am afraid to love anymore.

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  26. I have always loved 'little lover' too. Always, I never questioned why, I just did and it is right and natural and I cant imagine never having loved her, I think i loved her in a previous lifetime and I think I will in my next lifetime.
    So yes kj, I so completely understand.
    Everything is alright eventually, one way or another. Here or there they are never gone too far for us to feel them in our hearts.
    xxsm

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  27. Hi there , we are back again.
    I am sorry for Renee and all the bloggers that are so close to herand miss her.
    I will keep her in my thoughts.(like others pray)
    Hope she will be back soon.

    ♥♥♥
    >M<

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  28. beautiful post KJ. Renee is a brave and wonderous angel who I know mainly via your words about her. Sending love and pray the angels surround her.

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  29. Love, freely given, is a treasure. Every time Renee would visit my blog she would always leave the most heartfelt message...and I know she took to the time to "know" me and I felt that in her words.

    May she feel the love of us around her, helping her rest...

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  30. KJ, have you heard any more about Renee? I cannot bear the image in my mind of her suffering so. I have replaced it with that photo of her on the children's toy at the playground. That's our Renee.
    **kisskiss** Deb

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  31. Me too- Renee is my roomie - cabin on the shore, Missing her is monumental...devastating, actually.

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  32. kj, yes, I want to go to Renee's blog and to know her. What is the name of her blog. Is it linked in your sidebar? .....I suppose I could click everyone of those in your blogroll hoping to come upon it.
    I just read your latest post and have tears in my eyes.

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  33. kj - I found her via Blogland Lane. No need to respond to my silly questions...
    Feel the love.

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  34. This is a beautiful post kj, thank you for putting into words all our thoughts. I, too, love Renee, as do so many. May she find peace and be pain free.

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