Monday, February 22, 2010

Saying 'I :Love You'



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How often do you say 'I love you'? and to whom?
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Sometime during the first year I began blogging, there was a special woman I came to know and care about and it was easy to say 'I love you' to her, on the blogs, on the phone, in person, easy because it was true. And of course I tell my daughter and son-in-law and Mr. Ryan and Baby Drew all the time that I love them. JB and I tell each other every morning, often several times a day. I tell my Mother and I tell my close friends; well, most of my close friends. Sometimes it's harder to say than I would like.
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Then came 'I love you' blog-style. I think Renee started it. Renee hands out expressions of love like Emily's jellybeans, and she means it. How easy it became, how quickly, to say 'I love you' back to her, and then to certain other blog friends. How easy it is to say it now: I love you Laurel. I love you Lori. I love. You. And you.
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How easy, how easy to say it and mean it, because it's true.
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And yet.
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Why is it so much harder to tell someone I love face-to-face? Or on the phone? Do you so easily tell your relatives, your friends, your co-workers, your neighbors that you love them? Do you know who you love, who qualifies to hear you say it ? Why are they and it so different from the people you have come to love from the blogs? Are they different?
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Why is it so damn easy to readily express affection, in some cases abiding love even, for the amazing friends I so cherish through blogging and why is it so damn hard to say 'I love you' to the special people in my in-person life?
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Because here's a part of what I've been thinking: I must be careful not to let all the love I feel here replace or substitute for the people who live and work beside me, in my day-to-day life. My face-to-face relationships are every bit as important, every bit as real, every bit as worthy of my 'I love you's. But I don't dispense them nearly as often. How come?
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I-love-you is not something I say mindlessly. I know some people do, and sometimes the gushing on the blogs can be a bit too much for me. Myself, I just try to be sure I mean it when I say it, and I don't say it if I don't mean it.
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So I'm not wondering why I say 'I love you' so much. I'm wondering why, outside of the blogs, when I am lucky enough to be with people I care about deeply, I say it so little.
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Do you ever wonder about this? If you know, and by now you probably do know, that you don't have to hold back your affection here, why hold it back anywhere?
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I was just wondering....
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Love
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kj

29 comments:

  1. Both my dad and I were close mouthed with "i love you" and the first time he said that to me was about 6 months before he died. It was nice, but I really didn't "need" it - I knew he loved and adored me.

    But, when the twins were little we got into the habit of saying "i love you" or a version there-of on telephone calls. That made it easier for me to say and I began using it a bit more often. But still sparingly. After 17 years of having them in my life, I am more comfortable with that statement but do not hand it out willy-nilly - I still keep my "i love you's" for DH, family, nephews and really close friends. I'll use a watered down version "love ya" to others as a final salutation in an email or letter - is that the same? To me it's like shouting from the rooftops - to others it might seem stingy.

    I guess it depends on the situation. Those I love know that I love them. and I know they really love me. do we need to hear it all the time? no, but occasionally is nice for all.

    Out and out emotion scares me (or so said my therapist) because of my dad's outbursts; so I was conditioned to hold it in. So...when I say I love you to someone, or a watered down version of that, it is a great step for me to display emotion, to get emotion back, and to share true feelings.

    i'm rambling, it's way early...best to go drink some coffee and wake up. But great post KJ....Love ya!

    mim

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  2. As you know this is a difficult one for me. I believe we don't say it easily because of 'risk'. We all know there is nothing worse than rejection, and god knows I have had enough of that in my life. I had a mother who never ever once said she loved me, or cuddled me or let me climb on her lap!! Yet she adored my brother! I have improved because of my blogging... as Americans specially, do say it often (whereas Brits are so withdrawn and private, they almost never say it).It is really hard to even make a close friend here in England. So I have been able to say it more and more too. It will burst forth from me with joy and I will write it to someone feeling it at the time. I say it to my family sparingly, and that's that. These 3 little words should never be thrown around without careful thought behind each one of them! I= me personally; love= a wealth of very deep emotions; and you= just you personally.... very different to 'I love you all'. Or even 'love ya' said casually and sometimes even flippantly in passing... I could go on and on, but will stop right here. Very thought-provoking post.

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  3. i call it the magic of writing... in writing we are more connected to our hidden self... in real life there are more social inhibitions...

    in real life i can easily say i love you... sometimes even more easily than the written form... the problem with me is that i cannot hide my true feelings much... and don't like the games people play...
    :)
    great post!


    love you
    love you, Karen
    love you a lot
    :)

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  4. I agree with Soulbrush about the risk factor and I tend to wait and follow someone's lead. My family said I love you and I tell my kids all the time (and they seem equally at ease telling me they love me.) I guess it depends on the situation - I'm more careful with men I'm involved with because there it is such a loaded word. It is far more easy for me to say I love you to friends when I'm talking than when I'm writing. Probably because there is no feedback, at least not immediately, with writing and so you don't know if you've mis-stepped. Being a therapist helped me expand the meaning of the words to include affection and caring for another person - I have had some patients who will hug me and tell me they love me, and now I can respond genuinely. It's still very early and I'm not sure how coherent I'm being, but it has got me thinking about not always waiting to be told first - then you can get into something of a mutual waiting game. So thanks for making me think about it - and I do love you. ♥

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  5. I'm wondering if it's because when you have people in front of you, people that you interact with - there are so many other ways of saying "I love you." My own mother doesn't tell me she loves me (long story there), but she tells me by doing little things for me. By calling me and telling me someone she saw reminded her of me. Little things. I know she loves me, because I can see it in her eyes. When you are communicating in written form, those nuances are harder to get across? Maybe we can't hug each other in person, but those words, "I love you", they don't beat around the bush, and you know exactly how someone feels about you. Blogging has been an interesting adventure for me. I would never in a million years have guessed I would say "I love you" to people I had never met, or sent them "xoxoxox"s with all my heart. :) Pam

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  6. Wow, a great post, kj! I found it extremely difficult to say I love you to anyone, until I married my first husband. He and his family were not shy about using those words...I learned tentatively to return that statement. But that marriage broke up and another came along, where it wasn't used very often and I fell back into my old habits.

    After my daughter died and that second marriage went the way of the first, I decided I had nothing at all to lose by declaring my love for my remaining child and grandchild, my friends, my parents. Anywhere and everywhere. It felt odd at first, especially with my parents, who never expressed love, but there was a twinkle in their eyes that told me they appreciated it. And then I met a man who won't even hang up the phone without saying I love you to his mother, brother, son and then, to me and my daughter and grandchildren.

    Then I began blogging and found a number of close cyber friends who would say it on occasion. But I never met anyone in blogdom who could say it with as much truth as as you, kj, and Renee. It was odd when I met Renee...I didn't know her at all, although I've been blogging for years, but she told me she loved me. And I believed her, as I did you, kj.

    And now, I'll use it with anyone, even my blogger friends and mean it. As Graham said...it is not strange that you feel love for someone you have never met, since you are all connected by Spirit. So let yourself go and enjoy the love...it's great to spread it around. I'll take his advice, stop this long rambling discourse, and say I love you, kj!

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  7. What everyone has said before me is very true. My father wasnt one to just say "I Love YOU". We always had to say it first. So I did. My grandmother said "Love is something you give as a gift to the ones who mean something to you in life, albeit friends, kids, family, movies or books. Its a expression of adornment, or an expression of admiration, an expression of appreciation for so many gifts recieved by ppl, places or things". I love certain books for how they have impacted my life. I love people for how they have touched my soul. I love my children because they are my legacy. I love my husband because he is my partner in what life hands me. I love friends because I value their friendship, input, honesty and compassion towards me. I never hang up the phone from the important people in my lives without saying I love you to them. because you never know it may be the last time they hear it from you. I love you is a gift you give ppl, it is the one gift given that needs no reply, warranty, or receipt. Renee showed me its ok to love everyone for who they are. When I say I love you to a blogging friend it is because they are my friend blogging or in person, there is no middle ground about it. friendship is from within your soul. If for example you and I met in person and took the time to get to know each other it would be no different then getting to know one or other in online. I dont just say it to everyone, only to the people that I honestly can say are friends. People will hurt you in life but that shouldnt keep us from love in a innocent, honest, or compassionate expression to others as way to tell them they are cherished by you from the depths of your soul. Renee branched a many of friendship to others for me, and I can say they have become true friendships. So yes there are ppl who use it a sign off expression as...musch love, with love, love, but I love you is real from me when I say it.

    I love Renee, Jacquie, Sheldon, and YOU KJ.

    Now suck it up...LOL

    xoxoxxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

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  8. kj, I think our posts are alike today! I wonder if that is Renee's influence too.

    I think definitions of love get in the way. I cry if something hurts you because I have taken the time to get to know you. Effort is involved and trust. You can hurt me, I can hurt you. So, we open ourselves to being known, even if we think we are controlling that.

    It's as big a joy and a risk here as it would be loving someone next door. I want you in my life. It is richer because of that. That IS love to me.

    If any of my close friends are in need, the first thing I say is "what can I do, you know I love you, let me help". Saying that out loud (frequently) seems unnecessary and artificial. It's so obvious. These are the people you can actually throw your arms around and kiss! Like family. To whom I say that every time I see them.

    I don't think you are holding back your affection anywhere outside this blog if you don't verbally say the words. Again, it's obvious...and discerning. Maybe SOME of the words just need to be, "I really, really, like you."

    But, I love you, heart sister, and I want you to be right here in my heart where you belong.

    Linda

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  10. when it feels right for me to say i love you.... in blogland or any other time i freely use those words.

    ...they come with a sense of responsibility and therefore i consider them before sharing them.

    ...but they're just words and will land differently each time they're used.

    great comments from everyone here today.

    i've got to get some sleep. it's late and shouldn't even be here.

    love to you ;)
    Ribbon

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  11. I only have trouble saying it to people I know won't appreciate it.
    I have no trouble on the blogs or with friends and family. Sometimes it is not returned and that is okay, but when I know someone does not want to hear it I don't say it. I never tell people I love them if I don't. And I can sometimes be mushy, that is just who I am.
    Love you Kj, and I mean it.

    xoxo

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  12. Started something - didn't ya?

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  13. I think it's natural to be more reserved in person because of the instantaneousness (is that even a word) of face to face contact. There's less time to think and respond ... less time to listen to your heart and express yourself perhaps??

    There's also the problem of making the other person feel obligated to respond in kind ... it can create awkwardness that wasn't there before.

    I suppose with my friends that I see on a day to day basis I like to show my care for them in other ways ... being naturally a shy and reserved person myself. Like Soulbrush said ... we're not great at this sort of thing in England. But with my blogging friends there's a freedom to express these things more ... something Renee has taught me a lot about!

    Great post KJ, very thought provoking. xx Jos

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  14. mim, you and i are a good example of two friends who love one another and don't say it too often and oon't need to. your comment here is so thoughtful, honest. love ya 2!

    soulbrush, your comment is very thought provoking. my mother did not say i love you, at least i don't remember she did, and she was not physically affectionate. but she was present. i knew i was loved, i know what a difference that makes in life. i know that your blog friends have touched and forever changed your heart and i enjoy knowing that so much. still, i often wish for a true blue friend you can count on nearby. you have so much to give. and risk or no risk, you are very very lovable! ♥

    hb, OMG! you are so right: writing connects us to our hidden deeper self. that explains ALOT for me and i thank you for it. i can so easily tell you how much i love you, i think because i cannot give you what i most wish for you: freedom. i cannot hide my true feelings either. thank god i know how to be polite! ♥

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  15. I think Renee did love a lot of people and she told everyone because she didn't care if we said it back either. Her life might have been(still hoping for a miracle here) too short to care whether we loved her back.
    I think a lot of the time the receiver is the one that stops the statement in person. What if they don't say it back? What if they don't love me?

    I kind of enjoy saying it to see the emotions run over the face in person.
    I am just going to say it to those I love without wanting or hoping for a response.
    My dad loved me but he didn't ever say it and still doesn't it. He has a hard time with it. I say it anyway and it makes him uncomfortable, but I do love him enough to say it out loud and to him. I wanted to hear it from him so badly too. I am not as attached to that anymore.
    In person I do have a harder time because I do not like to make him uncomfortable. But life is also too short to bottle love up inside.

    Renee said this "Everything is an illusion after all. It is vapor and dust and smoke and mirrors. However, the love one feels is always true."
    I love you kj!! You don't have to say it back to me ever.
    How could I not love you, you are Renee approved. I loved and love you for loving her. And because you are so smart, real, talented, and willing to share it with me.

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  16. Ciao KJ, thank you for stopping by my photoblog and leaving your sweet comment.
    I'd like you to come visit my main blog, the one through which I met Renee. The one where she and I exchanged jokes, one-liners, sarcasm, and also tears, rage and fear when it came to the topic of her illness.

    This is where Renee felt at home, and never once a mere guest. I will not have that pleasure any more, but thankfully she visits my dreams like she promised.

    Aglio, Olio & Peperoncino

    Ciao and again thanks
    Lola xx

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  17. kj yet again you have made us all think about this. although i am very suspicious of too many 'i love yous', i did always believe renee, and you and lolo. somehow it just feels right when you 3 say it, so please keep on telling me, and i will tell you.
    'i love you kj', and what you do for us all here in blogland, in fact you are another renee- just thank god without the cancer!!!!

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  18. Of course you may put Renee's face on your blog! I lifted it from hers and just dinked around a little with her thoughts in my head, tears in my eyes, lump in my throat- DANG! Gonna miss that girl! Love blogginess- Renee invented it indeed!
    LOVE YOU!

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  19. I'm back as I wanted to reread all the wisdom I glanced at yesterday late into the night...

    there's a lot of love here ;)

    x Ribbon

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  20. I walked away and made coffee (decaf) to think about this.

    Self Esteem? If you don't value yourself, maybe you think your love would be a poor offering? Habit/family habits come into play as well-my family on both sides are non communicative/demonstrative.

    From a communication standpoint-there always the confusion-"what does this mean?" and "will it be misinterpreted?" also, sadly, there is the "what does he/she want from me?" factor.

    I don't think you have to say it to release it. However, in the blogosphere-you pretty much DO have to say it, or something close to it.

    Oliver the Parrot will say "I love you" when he wants to be cuddled and have attention. My voice will ring out, and he'll say "aaaaw, Mister Bird, I love you...." and that means come give me some attention. Maybe when we say "I love you" we are really saying "and I want to be loved" as well.

    Nothing wrong with that.

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  21. cs, funny, it's easier for me to write it than say it. you're of course right about the risk involved, and for me i sometimes hold back because i fear i will be either misinterpreted or the person will think i'm too touchy-feely. your 'i love you' to me does not go unnoticed. thank you. and likewise and ditto. ♥

    pam, i totally agree with everything you've said. i wouldn't have believed it either. the thing is, in blogging, i've made the commitment to care and accept the other person before meeting, before indiosyncracies form, so by then i AM committed and i am loyal. (okay, there are exceptations, on a rare occasion i could misread). and yes, the 'i love you' on the blogs has such weight because we can't wink or smile or be affectionate in ways reserved for in-person... ♥

    i love you marion. and you can believe it!

    sonia.........you are a dear. i love what you've written here, so true, so real. i have no doubt about the connection and love you and i have,and yes, could just as well be on the block as on the blogs. i love that you're a wise ass. just like me. ♥

    linda, what you've said reminds me of the little prince and his rose--remember how it was so special simply because he loved and cared for it? that is how i like to view the people i love. thank you for making room for me, linda, the feeling is mutual. ♥

    angela, you and your husband are very wise. i too tell my family every day. i didn't hear it alot as a kid either but i did feel it (abit judgementally...). angela, do you know yours was my very favorite christmas present of all, bar none. thank you for the compliment, my dearest twin. you give me too much credit, but i will say this: i am genuine. ♥

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  22. ribbon, sometimes i just want to meet you! just sit and have a cup of coffee and talk about ourselves and the world. i am super glad we are friends and i look forward to good times ahead. xoxo

    love you too, annie, and i mean it! we have the benefit of knowing one another's smiles. i like that so much. ♥

    mim, yup! don't we just love it?! :)

    jos, our renee has taught us to just let it fly! xoxoxo

    marie! i am renee approved and so are you! that does grant a seal of approval: loving renee is its own heart sister club! i don't know you quite well enough to say i love you (yet) but i am open to that and i know i very much like who you are. i like how honest and real you are. ♥

    lola, OMG the food on your blog!! i left a comment about the pizza--the most mouth watering pizza i have ever seen. i linked your immediately. i will like lingering in your back posts sometimes and reading about your fun with renee.

    soulbrush, if i ever thought of myself as another renee, i would levitate three feet off the ground. but thank you for such a high compliment. and it means alot to me that my affection for you matters to you. you deserve unlimited affection and love, joss. that's my professional opinion. ps your post today is superdoo. ♥

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  23. linda sue, you have the best spirit!!! i love how you speak! thanks for the use of renee's picture--doesn't she just look like the Senior Angel she is? i put it on my sidebar already and when i see her face i melt. i love renee deeply and always will.

    ribbon, the comments are awesome! i feel i have the best blog friends anyone could ever have. you can be damn sure that includes you, right up there, ribbon. xoxo

    debra kay, i read over your comment three times. "you don't have to say it to release it" i never thought of it that way but that is so true. and when we say 'i love you' we're hoping to be loved back? how very also true. i just love the way you see things, dk. and you know i love you, right? because you and i and you-know-who had one of the best damn vacations together on the face of the planet. best as in perfect. feel better, friend. ♥

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  24. I tell them I love that I love them easily and readily because they absorb the words to go with the attitude.


    I just as easily let them whom I have no love for that as well. I find it keeps everyone on the same page as the book is read. And that is the fluid nature of being.

    I Love You kj

    mark

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  25. " I only say I love you when I mean it. Those who know me know that. I hug my friends, deeply, for what seems like minutes. B.Loved and I say I love you with tenderness, not out of habit. Every day, several times a day, and I always say I love you to children, it doesn't matter who they belong to just in case no one says it to them and try to show them love in some way they can relate the action to love .

    I love the sky and the birds and our cat and our dogs, I love good writing and above all, I love the sense of finding common ground. It is impossible for me to love someone who has no sense of mutual respect, who ignores tolerance in favor of imposing their ideas with absolute disregard towards your own. That is hoping against hope for an illusion to become a reality that love can never be. That is why loving Renee was easier than falling off a chair.

    Do I say I love you in person? yes.
    Never end a telephone conversation with anyone near and dear without saying I love you. It is not the period that signals the end of a phrase. It is the key to open the following sentence.

    Sending love is an act of kindness and recognition, I translate that to a hug. I don't hug strangers, I simply smile at them. I grew to love Renee because we found so much in common, and it wasn't ego on my part, it was connections, she was kind and private with me at a time I needed that and I didn't even know it.

    She trusted me and that is sacred in my book. We shared confidences and once I wrote something on her blog under another blog name I used to have and she wrote to me about wondering "who is this woman?" when she read it and she needed to find out and she said she knew instantly it had to be me because of what she felt while reading it. That to me is love in its purest form. She is easy to love and it will be impossible to stop loving her no matter what."

    Allegra

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  26. Arriving late has it's advantages! I agree with all of these commenters to some extent. I am much more likely to say 'I love you' to people in the flesh. I am wary of using that phrase on the blog, especially with people I haven't even met no matter how well I 'know' them or care for them. I see it a lot on the blogs and it sounds a little insincere. It's a word/emotion I take very seriously.

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  27. I left you an award at my site. Cus yer beautiful. :)

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  28. It gets me every time my sons get together. First there is the hug then the totally unconscious but meant words I love you that they say to each other.Makes me know I haven't done too bad a job after all!
    It's only since cancer that I've found it easy to say I love you to others outside of my sons. And now I don't ever end a conversation with my sis or close friends without telling them.
    Here I end always wth kisses,as I may be very fond of people but I don't love them, except the ones I've met and they have become real friends with. So a kiss works for me as I want them to know that I care but don't want to be false.

    xx


    PS I'll check out your book next Amazon search.

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  29. i wonder that too... but my children have taught me how... Love you kj x

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