Friday, October 02, 2009

Bonds

This post has two parts.
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The first part is about this drawing.
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The second part is a first draft chapter from my new book, a memoir of sorts fueled by love, but tendered mostly by bonds.
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Part 1: I've written about her before. She is four years old in foster care, very aware and finally talking about how sad she is to no longer see her mother, her two brothers. This week I watched her doodle pretend letters to write a story that they are all together again. She asked me to write on the paper that I would not leave her, that I would always come back and she asked me to promise. Did I already say she is only four?
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Unless I get run over by a fourteen wheeler, there is no way in hell I will not come back. "This is my THER-A-PIST!" she tells anyone who will listen, a big smile on her face. And, did I mention I love her?
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Part 2: Book Chapter
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Tuesday are my long days: eight clients in a row, each seen at his/her home, meaning at least ten minutes of driving from place to place. I stack my sessions up this way so I can keep the job to three days a week. And actually, I like the flexibility and variety so much—I like the clients and their families so much—most of the time I don’t mind the wrapped up exhaustion I feel by the time I leave my last client.
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On this day I am driving to Yaddi’s house when a restricted call appears on my cellphone. Experience tells me it’s either Mrs. Molina, who enters the restricted code for reasons I do not know, or it’s the state Department of Children and Families. It’s the latter. It’s this solid social worker named Colleen calling to tell me that Jannie’s children are being removed that very moment. Colleen arrived at their decrepit first floor apartment and found Jannie and the three kids, ages 2, 4, and 5, huddled on the porch. The local sheriff had just blocked entrance to the apartment and locked the door and they were all being officially evicted due to Jannie’s failure to pay the rent over several months. According to Colleen, piles of their wrinkled clothes and worn decrepit furniture was strewn across the front lawn. Colleen said the kids looked stunned.
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“Jannie is taking the children to an Aunt’s house. I’m going to follow them there but I can’t let the kids stay. There are no extra bedrooms and I’ve done a search on the aunt. She’s known to us: she’s schizophrenic, not solid at all.”
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Colleen continued, “You should be prepared, Casey. I will pick up the kids unannounced. I’ll try to be in and out within five minutes. That’s the easiest way to do it. Jack and Alex will go to one foster home, Angelina to another. I couldn’t find a placement for all of them together.”
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I am new to this job. I am new to this situation. I know these three children and I know they will be frightened, will look to their mother, cling to her. I am particularly concerned about three year old Angelina. It was only five weeks ago that she was kidnapped by family “friends,” tracked down by the state police in North Carolina after three days on the road, presumably on their way to Disneyworld. The police stopped the car, arrested her “uncle Tito” and “auntie ZZ” and brought a terrified Angelina to the police station, where they arranged for her to be driven back to Massachusetts with a female police officer escort. As soon as she was back home DCF arranged for medical evaluation which showed conclusively that she had been sexually molested.
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It was not known then, and it has not become known for how many days or weeks or months. For several weeks after her return from North Carolina and just before the eviction, when I would see her mother Jannie for her weekly therapy session, I would see Angelina sleeping on the ratted out couch, her small arms outstretched, her face angelic. Not fucking fair, I would think to myself. Not fucking fair.
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I hear this news from Colleen and I want to cry. I know enough to know the kids will not be returned to their mother, not now, not for six months or a year. Probably never. I open my cell phone and call Isabelle. This is not unusual: we regularly call one another two or three times anyway during our workdays.
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“Oh Isabelle”, I moan, “the saddest thing is happening.”
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I tell her the story in abbreviated form. My voice is unsteady and I am close to tears.
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“These Americans,” she says.
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“Isabelle, I’m so upset. This is really sad.”
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“That woman shouldn’t have had kids. And it’s not the government’s problem to fix it. Where’s her family?” She is revving up for a conservative dissertation. I’ve heard it before.
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“There is no other family Isabelle.”
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“Well then that’s the way it is.”
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“Isabelle,” my voice pleading, “I am calling you because I need support. This is very emotional to me. It’s so painful to witness.”
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She continues. “Americans are so spoiled.”
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“Stop Isabelle,” I say. I am recoiling from her detachment. “I can’t hear this. I have to hang up.”
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.“Fine,” she says. And she is gone before I can say goodbye.
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A familiar emptiness rises from my stomach. It starts as an ache and finds its way to my heart, a pounding chill, as if I’ve been orphaned and I cannot find a language that can be understood.
God the fuck damn it Isabelle, I am shaking my head forcefully. I can’t say if I’m mouthing the words out loud or not, but I am enraged and afraid in equal huge measure. Why is she so insensitive? I ask myself. I don’t know anyone else who would react this way, who would seem so callous.
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Why do I love her? How many times has this happened: a hundred? Two hundred?
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What’s wrong with her?
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And what’s wrong with me?

33 comments:

  1. OMG can I write you another time because I'm ready for bed....
    But this is very disturbing to me~
    Call me I will talk with you... this is a very important need.
    Pattee

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  2. pattee, you can email me with info to reach you: karenjasper@comcast.net

    xo

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  3. Part one: Oh! I don't know kj, how you do this. I have a friend who also does this kind of work and I don't know how she does it either. God bless you both, and all others like you!
    Sigh,,,

    Part Two:
    And you write about all this also,,,not that it isn't very well written,,,it is. But how does your heart stand up to it? Mine is breaking just reading it!
    Sigh,,,,

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  4. PS:
    I found your poem in the previous post to be incredible!
    I suppose it might be considered rude to make comparisons, and I mean it only in the very BEST way: Some of the lines were very Rod McKuen or Leonard Cohen,,,real grabbers!
    Loved the whole thing!

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  5. This is a great post, both bits. As I guess the story is drawn from your experience anyway.
    It's hard being a therapist, caring for our clients, wanting to help and only doing what we can, without getting burn out ourselves.
    Therapy works differently over here in the UK. My best friend is an American therapist and the tales she tells me about trying to help people and the lengths she will go. Suffice to say she's never going to make her fortune doing what she does!

    AS an aside, there is a badge at the top of my blog for a new social network for women only, started by my friend in OZ, check it out if it interestes you.

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  6. Oh kj, I don't think there's anything wrong with either. Isobelle's been around the block and knows how things work, you have a soft heart and have yet to cope with this stuff. It's such a hard road, especially when children are involved. Is the only reason Janines' children are being removed because she has no money? If so, I could get on my political bandwagon here and say that the state should look after her, charities should provide for her. No child would be removed here due to poverty, only abuse. If she's an abusive mother, that's a whole other story. . poor people do not deserve to have their children removed. Bad parents do. Please let me know the details because this is such a horrible story if Janine's only plight is poverty. Although sadly, I think I lead such a sheltered life that it probably does happen here too.

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  7. Part 1 - heartbreaking. (hugs)

    Part II - Excellent start to what I know will become a compulsive read. I really want to know what happens next.

    A lot of characters have been introduced here but they all slide in easily and clearly. You begin to sense that the main character is undergoing a terrific journey and want to learn where she has been - where is she going ...

    The character Isabelle arouses your curiosity and you question why is she like this? What hardened her heart - life? nature? both? Will she harden the main character, continue to drive her away or point her in the direction of the salvation she may or may not be ultimately seeking. What do/did they see in each other - what brought them together?

    The whole piece is sincere. Emotion and experience have been invested. It makes me want to invest my time and mind in learning more now & eventually money later when the book is published.

    Well done! Keep it up!

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  8. Truth-fiction; fiction-truth.

    I think Isabelle should go away.

    love...and will email soon. from florida. sigh

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  9. Excellent kj. You have left me wanting more.

    Fantastic.

    Love Renee xoxo

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  10. I love the drawing and the sweetness of you, never going away. Dear little one.

    The second story. Is Isabelle someone who has gone through a lot of trauma and seen a lot of trauma in her life so that to her more trauma feels "everyday." Is this fiction or truth. I know you do see much sadness in your work. I thought though that they couldnt evict people with children as easily as this. I thought they could often remain way beyond two rent delinquent months.

    This story is so painful yet at the same time gripping. Gripping my heart.

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  11. i don't know what to say right now, i have had a very trying week with 23 'normal' kids...also that age...spoilt and stubborn and hard to be nice to!!!shit, life just fucking sucks!

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  12. Dear KJ, dear friend of mine.

    I feel I know these people through you by the conversations we've had, yes, but if I had never heard of them before, this writing is more than enough to give me a clear picture. You told it so well.

    Angelina is lucky to have you. I know her mother is a drug addict and most days can't even show up for herself, never mind her children. I know if you were younger you'd consider adopting this child because she has captured your heart in ways that matter. And she knows you love her.

    Isabelle,well I don't think she set out to cause you so much pain and suffering. We now know that she has 'social' issues. You can tell by her many rants and preachings but that's who she is. I have no judgement through these observations. What matters is you did take that journey together and while it had it's magical moments you now see her as the troubled person she is. And what also matters is that through the love of family and friends, you're healing and accepting 'what is.'
    You're moving on and in many ways you're renewed.
    I think what matters now is that you understand the lesson.

    This was beautifully written. I'd stand in line to buy the book just as I stand beside you as a friend.

    love you,
    xoxoxo
    Lo

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  13. Part I: Isn't it wonderful the difference you make in that little girl's life?

    Part II: I am sending you MY phone number.

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  14. This is great work, but I don't know how you do it. Given my past I stay far away from all things that remind me of it, so I won't be able to read the bbok when it is finished, but I know you understand. A big hug to all the sweet little ones you care for.
    xoxo

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  15. Oh so sad. Terrible. Awful. I can see my children clearly in my mind at any age...I can remember how many hairs were on their heads. I could never do what you do...too soft. It's definitely a calling. Thank you for answering the call.
    **blows kisses** Deb

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  16. babs, i don't know how i do it either but i know it is important, and it gives me alot back. still, i know it is changing me deeply, for the wiser, i hope for the better.

    fire byrd, so much of writing is from one's own experience. still, this is a novel, not an autobiography. thank you, and i will visit the network.

    baino, the kids were removed after months of child welfare trying to help mom care for them and keep them safe. they were missing school, not being watched closely enough, etc. the eviction was the last straw in taking custody of the kids and putting them in foster care. thanks for your comment, baino. i want the story of casey and isabelle to be balanced. i want that very much.

    oh miladysa, oh my god, i have missed you. you are so insightful and your questions are so excellent and spot on. thank you so much my dear friend. i am hugging you tight--can you feel it?

    oh mim, you are special. xo

    renee, hello dear moon sister. thank you very much. your words mean alot always. honestly, this is a novel i and hope and want you to like alot.

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  17. thank you suki. this is a novel. because it's also a memoir, there is a basic truth in the writing and recalling of events. but it is a novel and a character named casey is the narrator. see my comment to baino, above, for some background on why these children were taken from their mother.

    soul, you sound exhausted. what a hard job you have. i hope you get to paint and play all weekend. you deserve that. xoxoxo

    dearest lo, thank you for your comment, and for fiercely caring about my interest, as i do yours. the truth is that both isabelle and casey have flaws, and i hope i do a fair and honest job of portraying each of them. sometimes sorrow leads to wisdom, and i hope that is what happens here. ps xoxoxo

    middle, well that is just fine with me! :)

    annie, thanks for your comment. the book is actually not about these children---it is about casey and isabelle and the people who care for them.

    deb, i didn't plan to work with children, ever. i'm surprised i'm good at it and i'm surprised i'm doing it. kisses blown back to you. i always smile when you stop by. xo

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  18. It takes a stout heart to make a difference. My mother waded in this type of shit for fifty years, saw things change culturally for the worse by get significantly better for some of the kids who grew up under her professional care. She had a stout heart that never broke. Do you?

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  19. stout (stout)
    adj. stout·er, stout·est
    1.Having or marked by boldness, bravery, or determination; firm and resolute.

    2.Strong in body; sturdy.

    3.Strong in structure or substance; solid or substantial.

    4.Bulky in figure; thickset or corpulent. See Synonyms at fat.

    5.Powerful; forceful.

    6.Stubborn or uncompromising: put up stout resistance to the proposal.

    yes, walking man, i have a stout heart.....

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  20. kj, your day yesterday sounds wonderful.

    Now I can't remember if I thanked you for the most beautiful card and if I told you that Jacquie was very touched.

    Love Renee xoxo

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  21. I can feel it KJ Babes - I can feel it -- thank you :)

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  22. I could not do this type of work. My heart would break in half! The four year old undid me, the next scenario...Well, thank God for people who have the strength to be there. That would be you.

    Thank you for your comments to my blog! Truly!

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  23. you are most welcome, my beloved and awe-some moon sister!

    milady, good. very good.

    meredith, you and i wrote about the same thing from the same place.
    xo

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  24. Part 1, I know so well.I have made that very vow, that I will be there regardless.

    Part 2, hmph. And you know what I mean. And I say that if you ever got to the point where you are that jaded, it's time to get out. And when you get to the point in a friendship where there is no understanding of support, it is alos time to get out.

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  25. cs, part 1: that's why you are a good therapist

    part 2, i know, i know. did you ever want to love someone despite their flaws, snd your flaws, and in the loving feel good about it all? ...sigh...

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  26. Karen:
    I am so happy, that I got your beautifull book, thank you very much for sending it to these remotes lands, I really apreciate it, I really do.

    I have to tell you that the book is beautifull, I am impressed, I really like the art covert and also all of its details it has, from the font you used till the back design it has.

    I found very interesting what it says on the back, the questions about whether is ethically right or wrong for a woman to leave its family due to certain circumstances, and other things that make you think about ethical issues in our lives.

    By the way this is a very nice post, I am refering mainly to part one, I like the picture history. It is so sweet and that she wanted you to wrote that.
    The second part I wont commment here since it is about the book. I will talk about it with you personally in just a few days.

    I am so glad I met you, that I am smiling all the time I am writing and thinking about your generosity and
    kindness. What you wrote for me is also incredibly nice, thank you very much. For me this is a great way to meet a new friend in these modern times.

    Love
    M

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  27. Then you need not seek support from them with resolute fear and coldness prescribed by that fear.

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  28. mariana, yay! i am so glad it arrived. this post is about a different book--book # 2 for me. so you can read it without giving anything away.

    mark, ah, but when love is involved...i did not need support to do the work, but i wanted support from a person i loved. that was the rub....

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  29. I
    Love
    YOU.

    For who you are.

    For what you do.

    Hugs,
    xoxoxo
    Angela

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  30. In death as in life, you will be a good friend.

    xoxox

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  31. tell her i love her too

    xx ribbon

    and i love you too

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  32. you know what, angela? i love you too.

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  33. aw, renee, i can just see it--kj babe the angel, looking up and down the angel aisles for her moon sister, getting my wings caught in the doorways, running toward you with the widest smile....

    ribbon, i will tell her. today i received in the mail two little books for her, from a blog angel among us. i will give them to her tomorrow and i will remember that that there is real love among us. i am always happy to arrive at your blog ribbon. just seeing that photo of you calms me down. xo

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