Friday, May 22, 2009

People I Know: Stacey's Story

This is another story about people I know:
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I need to be careful when I write about clients. There are ethics and confidentiality that I take very seriously. And there’s also the fact that some of the details of their lives are just not palatable for my blog friends and visitors. But as a writer it’s hard not to put some stories into form, and this is one of them.
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First a warning: I’ll avoid details, but the history is brutal.
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Stacey is now 48. Two of her siblings have committed suicide and her remaining older sister is chronically mentally ill. So is Stacey. But she’s married, mother to four sons, grandmother to the two year old light of her life.
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Stacy’s childhood was torturous, abusive, neglectful, horrible. Often I have to ask her to stop the retelling because I feel sick. We’re straddling understanding and accepting the past and replacing that story with her life today and her hopes for the future. This is not easy. Stacey’s childhood IS her story, and she’s afraid she may cease to exist if she forgets it.
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She told me she was a wreck her first day of kindergarten because she did not know the way home. She got out of school and was so afraid. And alone. No one met her or looked out for her. She was five years old and was helped by a stranger who saw her crying on the street. When she finally got home, her mother called her stupid and pathetic. No more details needed.
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Well, to make a long story shorter, Stacey and I are working on her being able to access a “safe place” when these horrible recollections and memories overtake her, which is often. We’re using this visualization I call ‘escalator’, where she closes her eyes and I count down from 10 to one, each number carrying her further down on an escalator until she steps into to a beautiful place. For Stacey (it’s different for everyone), Jesus is waiting for her and he hugs and holds her. She is safe in the light.
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So I asked Stacey if maybe the little girl that she used to be could go to the safe place with her sometime. Here’s what happened next, in Stacey’s words:
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“I went down the escalator and Jesus was holding the little girl. She ran to me and I opened my arms and told her I would protect her. She told me please don’t make her go home to that house anymore and I didn’t know what to say. My husband told me later I should have told her I’d take her for ice cream, but I didn’t know what to do. She ran away but I called to her and told her I would help her. I felt bad that she ran away from me."
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The next time I did escalator my little girl was waiting for me at the bottom. She was standing beside Jesus and she ran up to me and I hugged her tight. .I told her I would take her to school and show her the way home. I waited outside the school all day until she got out. She begged me, please, can I go home with you instead, and I told her yes, but you have to know the way to your house first so we’ll walk that way and then I’ll take you to my house. I held her hand and told her she did not have to be afraid of her mother, that I would care for her.
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Lately I’ve been thinking about things I can do with her, help her have the childhood she never had. It feels so empowering. Like I can be her mother and keep her safe.”
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This is me, kj, speaking again. You know what? We all have little kids inside us. And we can all give them what they didn’t get.
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I have to tell you that watching Stacey start this process—mothering her terrified sweet little girl--is so gratifying it’s incredible. I’m no magician, and I’m not up for counselor of the year, but this “re-creation” seems so basic. That is, if we suspend being logical and realistic and tight assed adults for long enough to let the child within be heard.
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Stacey’s going to be playing with that little girl of hers, and in the doing the most horrible sadistic mother in her past will be slowly, lovingly replaced. And even though those horrific memories can't be erased, they can be reframed and recast. Stacey's found a tool, and she's using it...

20 comments:

  1. thank you for reading this story. i love writing pieces like this. i always hope it educates or helps somebody in some way...

    love
    kj

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  2. KJ that's a powerful story, especially as it belongs to a real person ... I'm glad for Stacey, the little girl and the grandmother she is today that you gave her the gift of that escalator*!*

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  3. Speaking as one who was sexually abused as a young child, this kind of exercise works. I did things like this in my twenties to help heal me and I am mostly healed :-). Thank you for this story of hope and also a reminder to me that it could not hurt to do it again and see what I may find. xoxo

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  4. bimbimbie, i always smile when i see your avatar here. thanks for all your comments (emily however is huffing about the pyramid scheme. be prepared: you may hear from her). :)

    annie, yeah, it really works when it works. we all need safe places.
    i;m glad to pass on a reminder. have a good weekend. enjoy yourself. :)

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  5. powerful insight into another person's psyche.wish i had had a counsellor like you many years ago!

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  6. I am a logical tightassed adult now but then I've already walked back down that time line of my life and helped the fat kid find his place.

    It is a good thing you do kj.

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  7. I've read this story with sincere interest, Karen. An 'escalator' gift to help forget the bad memories and replace them. What a good idea. I think you've chosen a very suiting job. Difficult perhaps, but in the end very rewarding. First of all for the clients and also for yourself. Keep up the good work!

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  8. I have a strange reaction to patient stories - I find myself drifting away as I read. Maybe because I have to attend to the story when I'm in session and I hear so many brutal stories every day. But I would guess the non-therapist crowd would be intrigued so I think it's a very valuable thing to post.

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  9. I like the escalator idea. My therapist is into this type of visualization but we haven't done it much. I'm still wondering what to say to that little kid - either "buck up" or "let's hug".

    Drawing helps also....

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  10. What wonderful, empowering and transforming work you are doing KJ! I know Stacey will go from strength to strength.

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  11. I wish I'd had a therapist like you who helped me get to my deeper issues and fight my abusers. My inner child isn't such a wreck as she used to be, but we still have more work to do.

    Yay for Stacey's escalator and yay for you ;)
    xoxo
    Lo

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  12. WOW! It is a moving and touching story. It must be challenging for her to be a good mother when her role models have been so absent and abusive! I tip my hat to you for helping these women find their inner child and nurture themselves. I guess the real story is that not only should we help when we can but we should nurture our inner child as soon as possible to be able to be there for others. Well done :)

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  13. I need to say it again ... thank God for counselors like you, KJ! This is a powerful story ... xo

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  14. soulbrush, thank you. i've always thought i was a good counselor but my current job feels so meaningful and powerful it makes me proud.

    dear walking man and his pudgy little boy: you are both precious. honest to god, i am so glad we are poets together, we and hb! it makes me happy. :)

    wieneke, rewarding indeed. i get alot from it. i wish i visited your blog more often. i am going to make a resolution to do that. xo

    cs, i know what you mean, although i love these stories from anybody. there's a psychiatrist who writes a column in the boston globe and i just love how she sees things
    about her clients.

    dearest mim, please, definately don't say 'buck up' to that little girl. she's doing her best already. she's probably just scared and will like a hug. p.s.i'm going to hug her when we meet! unless you'd rather i didn't--in that case i'll just reach out for your hand(s) and a smile will cover my face.

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  15. kay, i think it is about empowering and replacing. sometimes i think it's that basic. you never really lose the trauma, but you can get far enough away from it to heal okay...

    lo, yay for you too my sweet friend. please tell that little girl of yours i love her.

    val, my inner child little girl said to tell you you are exactly right. oh and she wants me to tell you that you are one special woman.
    oxox

    dear melissa-who-i-miss, thank you. how is everyone? how does your yard look? xoxo

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  16. kj, it's a fine mind you have,,bless you and the people like you in this world.

    I am never happier than when I embrace my inner little girl, allow her to paint, to play, to be.
    Just an aside: I have 3 sisters. We all grew up in the same house, same parents. You'd never know it, when the 4 of us discuss childhood,our home and family. Each person sees so differently from our own reality.It's like there were 4 different households there. I just find that interesting.
    The end.

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  17. babs, that is so true. and while you might think siblings in traumatic households would stick together, the opposite ususally happens--a splintering of every child just trying to take care of him or herself.

    please tell your inner little girl that my inner little girl would like to play together someday!

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  18. yes... you're no magician, and you're not up for counselor of the year... you are a caring angel... a selfless soul to show the path of freedom to Stacey and sharing this story with us... so that we can learn more and be free more...


    think Stacy should also mother her sadistic mother so that she can be freed more...


    does she know about her mother's childhood? her life? what were her experiences to make her such a sadistic person? her child should have been killed somewhere...

    when Stacy knows about these facts, little by little she pities her mother, forgives her... and is freed from the hate... with the power of love...


    there is always a point in our life where we should mother our parents... that's the only way to grow... up...



    love you


    a lot

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  19. I so wish I had such a satisfying job. Heartbreaking as it must be you should be very proud that you're helping people who are essentially broken to mend themselves. Some chidren grow to adulthood without knowing love and support just abuse and deprecation. I can't understand it but you are wonderful to help them overcome it.

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  20. OmG such a powerful story <3
    i used to boo-hoo inner child work until it simply 'happened' to me once... It changed me to sit with myself as i am today, with my child self x

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