Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Chapters 20 & 21

Chapter 20
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It had been several weeks since Lily first held Alex’s letter. She had read most of it, but not the final paragraph: she simply could not bear to face information that had the potential to disrupt, dishevel, dishearten, perhaps even destroy everything it had taken her years to recraft. If you had asked her 22 days ago, Lily would have confidently told you that this was no longer possible: afterall, she would go days, weeks even without thinking of Alex at all, she had stopped including her in her prayers, and she no longer revisited all the ‘what if’s” that life had thrown at her broken parts—far too many ‘what if’ volleyballs coming at her with such speed that she’d repeatedly forgotten to duck.
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But today, at the moment when memory was intersecting with instinct, Lily was again not sure she would remember to duck. It wasn’t that she hadn’t learned to swerve. There was no way to avoid occasionally hearing about Alex, but her friends knew to avoid the subject altogether and on the occasion when a casual acquaintance mentioned that Alex’s business had grown to a dozen employees, that Andy had made the baseball regionals, or that Mike’s company was being bought out by Warren Buffet, Lily would simply shrug her shoulders and say, “Yes, isn’t that wonderful”. Only once had she carelessly risked an actual encounter with Alex: she was at a Woman’s Conference when mid-way through she realized how easily Alex could be there too. Quickly she had scanned the room, checked the attendant list, and made note of all the exit doors. Only then did she tuck away her vigilance. But that kind of slip was rare: Lily fastidiously and consciously took active steps to move on and forget. She did this because she believed this was best for both of them, and she was positive this was best for herself. The result of these extraordinary efforts—a professional woman’s version of underground hiding-- had paid off, that is, until three weeks ago.
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Now, on a Sunday morning at 7:43 am, Lily sat on her bed with Alex’s scribbly handwriting in front of her. She had just one remaining paragraph to read.
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She stared at the last page of the letter for several minutes before she reached for her reading glasses and placed them on the rim of her nose. She glanced to be sure her warm cup of tea was on the nightstand where she had left it.
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Then, at 7:46 Lily finished the letter.
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“All this time I’ve wondered if I could or would truly accept never seeing you again. I’ve always known how badly I hurt you, but it’s been a slow painful miserable process for me to truly grasp the cost to myself. Ambivalence is a terrible way to live, Lily. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. But somewhere in between hearing my diagnosis and re-evaluating my life, my struggle stopped. Just like that. It’s a hell of a time to tell you, Lily—I can only imagine what you are thinking as you read this—here I am a sick possibly terminal pretty hairless thin-to-the bones pathetic facsimile of myself contacting you at the worse possible time, I know, but please call me. It’s complicated, it takes giant boules on my part to do this now, but here’s what it is Lily: I’ve never really left, and if you’re willing, I would like to be where you are.”
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Always,
Alex
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Heat rushed to Lily’s cheeks. She remembered what it felt like when she was in first grade and rode a merry-go-round for the first time: the terror of sitting four feet atop of that bobbing carved horse with its wild teeth, the dizziness when it kept going up and down, around and around and around. She felt that way now—the room was spinning and she was spinning within it. She once again put the letter in her underwear drawer, sat on her bed for what seemed like hours, then, finally, slowly, she stood up, put on her sweats, grabbed Louie’s leash, and without catching her breath, pushed the two of them toward the river for a long walk—three times around the trail. It was all surreal.
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“Alex” she kept saying, “Oh, God, Alex”. She shook her head from side to side in disbelief, unable to entertain even a corner of hope that Alex might really be back. Then, on that river walk, with the sun in front of her, with Louie delighted by the quickened pace, with the path eerily calm, Lily--competent, clear headed, studious, serious, reliable Lily—cried so deep and so hard that her tears surpassed the insurmountable throbbing that had begun at the tip of her head and traveled all the way to her stomach. Once again, no matter what she did or didn't do, Lily would never be the same.
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Chapter 21
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Three days later; while sifting through her mail enroute to class, another letter found its way to Lily’s unsuspecting hands.
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“Hey!” it began, “Ok, so you haven’t answered my letter. I know you, Lily--you would have communicated somehow if you definitely did not/could not/would not want to see me. So I’m now forced to revert to Plan B. I’m enclosing a ticket for the Queen City hullabaloo on May 15. It’s still at Mount Holyoke. Remember when we went, Lily? I’ll be wearing the same outfit. I’ll be looking for you. This ticket is not cheap. Come on now….
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Love
Alex

23 comments:

  1. I love the merry-go-round comparison! I think I'm a little angry at Alex for sending another letter with a ticket in it.

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  2. It's a treat catching up with Lily and Alex. And now I understand what it was like for those who were devoted to serialized novels in magazines or on the radio back in the day. I want the next installment! Now! :)

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  3. I was a little angry with Alex too, but then I realized she just sent a ticket-she wasn't going to suddenly appear....

    I also, for the first time thought of Alex's point of view, facing death, scared, wanting to make things right before she goes. It was interesting how my perspective changed with the chapter-did you mean for it to?

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  4. It's great to read about Alex and Lily again.

    You know I can actually visualize holding your book in my hands and reading it. I loved how Chapter 21 throws a challenge to Lily. :D

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  5. The ticket makes it real, and it has a date. There are now a finite number of days, minutes, seconds until they meet again. Lily has no choice but to go. How exciting!

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  6. anon, thanks. i'm curious why lily comes across as more sympathetic than alex?

    andrea, oh what a compliment!! god bless you, girl.

    debra kay, to me the different perspectives are the most important part of the story.

    mench, again i can't tell you how happy and grateful i am that you are reading this.

    rm, so you're positive lily will go, eh?

    to all: thanks a million....

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  7. I think it's because we are mostly reading from Lily's perspective in Chapter 20. Then there is the quick surprise of No. 21! I'm speaking of individual chapters, not all the chapters posted so far :) That's a good thing if changes through a book!

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  8. Since it seems that Lilly knows how to play volleball and let Alex scored on Chapter 20, why not let her go for the kill with Alex's volley on Chapter 21st? Chapter 22 would be the kill from Lilly - there you you go - "Don't write me again, I have no desire to see you, nor talk to you again. Good-bye Alex. I hope you get well soon."

    How's that?

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  9. I love the volleyball and the merry-go-round -- fabulous writing, KJ! I could feel the spot that Alex puts Lily in by sending the ticket and mentioning it's not cheap ... so what will Lily do next ... eeeks! I can't wait to find out! And I could also feel Alex's fear of her illness and the fact that maybe Lily won't come ...

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  10. Sending someone a ticket is so controlling! Blackmail! If this was a relationship between a man and a woman, I'd conclude they are both nuts!!!

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  11. anon, i see. thank you!

    sigh...oh ces....

    melissa, complicated, isn't it?

    sigh...oh ces....

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  12. Wow, I really liked this piece. Is this on its way to becoming a book (I hope?)

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  13. She has to go...
    puh-leeze let her go!

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  14. Wow...what if she didn't go....what if she just sent a letter back and said "Sorry you are ill, but I moved on with my life and I have a new lover who loves me back without reservation"

    As a midlife kind of woman I like that-because what IS the statute of limitations on old lovers?

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  15. Love Warps The Mind A little...

    That's a title of an excellent book by John Dufresne, but it fits the story very well.

    Have a great weekend, KJ! Always nice to catch up with you.

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  16. cs, thank you so much. yes, this will be a book. i will publish it myself if need be.

    he, i just love your comments!! i hope she goes too.

    debra kay, i know what you mean about old lovers. but what about forever soulmtes? there may be a different manual for that?!

    eric, thanks for popping in. i love the name of that title. hey, you and singleton are writing some amazing poetry. my heart softens every time i read your collaborations. it is not of this earth, what you two are doing together...

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  17. It's true in this case the soul mates can't just exchange "If you're alone when you're 80 find me!" ...

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  18. Ooh why can't people just live simple uncomplicated lives?

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  19. Ces, becasue life would be boring and we wouldn't be reading KJ's Chapters! Heehee

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  20. ooops, I almost gave Alex the control card myself, and then just as quickly, I realized that no, she just knows Lily..
    and Lily knows she knows....

    KJ, this is incredible...
    If only it were in print on paper and I had seven days at the beach....

    Wishing you and yours, the circle, a wonderful wonderful Holiday, friend....
    chock full of
    good food and spirits
    peace and love~

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  21. anon: this is one of my worse fears: that i will become too old to hold onto the people i dearly love!

    ces, simple uncomplicated lives? well, sometimes. but you know, love can just turn you around....

    anon, right!

    singleton, wow, it is a total treat for me to see that you understand this about alex and lily: they really know eachother and that is something time cannot deminish. thanks for liking this story. it means alot to me. and may the circle be both wide and protective for you and yours this season. xo

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  22. WOW! I loved where you left us dangling and now this! Very, truly wonderful writing kj! I'm so engrossed and feel sad it's over for now... I keep thinking about Max, poor thing, imagine if they were living together! That would have made it real but very sticky...

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  23. You are a very creative writier. Have yourself a very Merry Christmas! :-)

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