Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Chapters 14, 15, and 16

This is, hopefully, for Anon. I know it's a long post: read at your leisure.

Chapter 14
.
The letter continued:
.
“After Mike gave me benediction—that’s what he did, Lily--“I was a basket case for weeks. I prayed the kids didn’t notice—I know Mike did—I just kept thinking what should I do? Do I dare call Lily? Tell the kids? Move to the other bedroom? Move in with Paula?
.
I was too sick to go back to church, which is a laugh since I hadn’t gone in the two years before and haven’t gone since. For a fleeting moment I thought about calling that therapist you and I saw together—remember her?-- Lucille, I think her name was--she had those long eyelashes and that hot pink lip liner—remember we dubbed her Britney Spears’ mother and never went back? She told us to meditate and the answer would be there. We meditated ourselves right into trouble that weekend—another of so many times that were so wonderful and so painful for us both.
.
I’ve come to know how hard my guilt and ambivalence must have been for you, Lily—I wish I could have reconciled the all the judgments and labels within my head—rightly organized them all and let the air in—but I couldn’t. I created a rock and a hard place for myself and everyone else I loved and I couldn’t handle it. Maybe it seemed like I just wouldn’t, but I really don’t think I could then. It was all too confusing for me. I’ve spent the years since knowing that some of the happiest moments in my life have been doing nothing with you, and I’ve wondered a million times if I, or anyone else in my circumstance, has the right to choose that kind of nothing happiness above all else.
.
Sometimes after this horrid chemo, when I can’t settle down or eat or sleep or outpace the pain, I concentrate on our weekend in Provincetown when the car died, you lost your wallet, our reservation got screwed up, my steak was overcooked, the whale watch was a bust—hell, even my martini was too weak—and yet we laughed our way through every moment of it. I still laugh so hard now whenever I think of that, and I wonder if these tears rolling down my sweet dry cheeks are due to the chemo or because of that fantastic memory.”
.
Chapter 15
.
“If I fell in love with someone else, would you still be my best friend?”
.
“Alex, you ask unfathomable questions.”
.
“Well, would you?”
.
“I have no idea”.
.
“Well, what do you think?”
.
By now Lily had heard this question in its hundred variations.
.
“Alex, I think you should stick to loving me”.
.
Alex curled her lip and slowly smiled.
.
“Maybe”, she said.
.
Chapter 16
.
If you look on any map, you’ll find Provincetown on Cape Cod, sitting at the very tip of the Massachusetts boot. It is surrounded by water and for decades has served as a certain Mecca for artists, bohemians, homosexuals, and anyone else who finds him or her self there for reasons of either anonymity or simply for the splendor and solitude of the ocean’s edge. In season the town population swells to 20.000 and off season shrinks back to its 3000-4000 year round residents.
.
Anything goes in Provincetown, where diversity and festivity reign. Along the three mile stretch of Commercial Street, which runs parallel along a singularly magnificent stretch of the Atlantic Ocean bay, families of all sizes and persuasions shop and eat and look for sea shells, and same sex couples slowly walk hand-in-hand and throw their heads back in safe laughter.
.
One weekend in August, Lily and Alex are beaching it at Herring Cove, lying on a blue and red towel with a giant illustration of Betty Boop in the middle. They are side by side at this public but clearly designated “gay” stretch of the Cape Cod National Seashore, lulled by the sound of three-foot waves roaring in and then crashing out again, warmed by the 85 degree sun on their skin. They hear voices and conversation all around them, the kind where you don’t pick up the details but you understand and feel the festivity by the distant melody alone.
.
They lie there like chopsticks. They have been together three years--the best of friends all that time, Alex would tell you--and, although they don’t speak too much about it, Lily and Alex are in love. Alex will force the words sometimes, will enthusiastically talk about and imagine their future together, will earnestly remind Lily of their most reverent soul mate status.
.
Despite her reassurances though, for all this time Alex has waxed and waned. She is married, she has young children, she is Catholic. And, as if these were not enough reasons to struggle, she also worries about her reputation.
.
She had been a virgin before Mike and faithful throughout their marriage, and she is often out-of-control unnerved by what she is doing. Betraying Mike was bad enough, but she could not bear to think about how the world would view her with another woman. This was just not who she was. It went against her upbringing, her religion, her values. She owns her own business, for god sakes. She couldn’t bare thinking about the stern judgmental faces of the parents who would no longer let their kids come to her house, or the wringing disbelief of anger and damnation when her mother and father, who would no doubt refuse to meet Lily, learned the truth. Her employees would drop their respect for her with the speed of a laser beam and they would gossip in secret whispers about her, “Did you know she’s a lesbian?” they would say, “That explains why she never wears skirts”. They would tell her new employees first thing, and maybe even their business associates, and Alex’ power in the world would diminish, and shortly after that she would lose her swagger.
.
But this day in Provincetown at Herring Cove, with the blinding warm sun and sliver-near touch of Lily beside her, is too perfect to trap herself in fear. On this day and into the evening, Lily and Alex have a disastrously unsatisfying lobster dinner at Clem and Ursies, walk hand-in-hand along the Court Street Bay, recalling and dissecting every silly thing they have ever done together, and fall asleep in a king sized bed in a pitch black room with the soft safe glow of a far off light every which way around them.

12 comments:

  1. OMG! How did so much happen when I wasn't looking? Are you sure this isn't in hardback big print already and you could just sneak me a copy? Good Lord, Girl, amazing!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'm sorry that I'm not commenting here, but I just don't have the time to read and appreciate this.
    I'm so busy and exhausted if I tried to read what you have been writing here, I would surely fall asleep.

    ReplyDelete
  3. This is some story. I find myself wondering about the physical aspect of this relationship. It's clear that they are best friends, but when you say they are in love, are you leaving something out? Lily is already a self identified lesbian, so three years into this, I have to think that she's got desires, needs that aren't being met.

    ReplyDelete
  4. singleton, thank you,girl. your words leaving me floating high!

    pieterbie, zzzzzzz! from one friend to another, please take care and don't push yourself to exhaustion.

    rm, hahaha! i've thought i've done such a swell & subtle job of acknowledging without having to explain or describe, so your comment tells me not so! yes, there is a physical relationship. i hope however the reader is able to understand that the deep love these two have for eachother is well more than physical. in other words, i wanted this all to be known and understood implicitly--although i do plan on one brief paragraph confirming that the earth does indeed move....

    :)

    ReplyDelete
  5. Thank you KJ, I did smile, but wonder whether it was due to gas before I burped or because of your Chapters :) Not sure if I'm ready for your "one brief paragraph confirming that the earth does indeed move"! HAHA

    ReplyDelete
  6. Seems like you are having a ball writing. Be warm and be happy.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Why back away from the erotica (other than it is extremely hard to write good erotic scenes). I think Lily's full force desire and Alex's desire/ambivalence could be a really spicey mix.

    And (thinking aloud) isn't the erotic nature of the relationship the truly troublesome component? If they were "just good friends" there needed have been any partings...

    I say go for it!

    ReplyDelete
  8. goodness kj! the jumping chapters don't matter, I totally get it. I really hope you get this published. Count me in the reservations.

    On another note, am glad you're on the mend from the surgery. Take it easy, enjoy the writing. We're certainly enjoying reading. :D

    ReplyDelete
  9. anon! since i somewhat prissily avoid discussion of bodily functions, i cannot encourage further evaluation of what made you smile, although i do note my friend ces thoroughly enjoyed imagining my reaction to your comment. i will warn you if/when any earth-quakes occur. btw, i surely do appreciate your reading all this....

    ces, yes, i am having a ball writing this, or rather, letting the story write itself....

    debra kay, excellent points. i decided early on that i wanted to challenge myself to communicate the physical as well as spiritual and emotional love in this story without having to be detailed about it. you are right about the physical relationship being the most troubling, but not entirely: i think it is hard to be so APART from someone you feel you belong with. i hope i can convey that too.

    menchie, thank you SO MUCH. i am just delighted you in particular are reading this story. i appreciate and value your feedback enormously.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I think it's best you don't warn about the 'earth-quaking' bit so I accidently read it! Otherwise I might feel it necessary to skip. Hhehheeee Didn't have gas that time :)

    ReplyDelete
  11. In our culture, the physical expression of love is what we used to designate "the one". If the ladies weren't attracted to each other physically, hubby would probably not have an issue nor would there be any question of loyalties. I'm just stating the rules, I didn't make them and I'm not sure I even understand all of them.

    A dating expression I hear sometimes is "it's just purely physical" except that once upon a time that was the most important type of relationship and bollocks to the whole procreation thing. We weren't all hot to love someone to make babies, we wanted to make love! At least I did, from what I remember of my youth.

    ReplyDelete
  12. she owns her own business for god's sake! That is funny amidst the pain of love.

    ReplyDelete