Monday, October 22, 2007

In the Shower

Subtitled:

Damp Dark Debilitating Thoughts Spilling Forth to Slow One Down, or

Delicious Daring Doubtless Thoughts Sputtering Down to Push One Forth


I wait until the steam builds up, when my breathing slows and I am safely submerged, I wait until my mind reviews the price of being tethered and the luck of being smart. I wait until I feel little crystal beads of sadness start at my shoulder blades and drip down, one by one, over my breasts until they just disappear, like they never existed. I wait until I do a speed read of my life so far, the sound of applause and the quiet thank you's and the way the sun turned east that morning on the hill, that morning when I finally understood I would be carrying the weight I never sought, never even understood, but somehow along the line I agreed to it, and really, every morning in the shower I remember that I freely chose it then, and I freely choose it now. I watch that water spill onto me and I could just as well be Esther Williams practicing her synchronized swimming—practicing something alone for something that cannot be performed alone. That is me.
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Then, when I have in no order at all finished my morning cleansing, when the steam is sufficiently thick and I have sufficiently calmed down, I see my day beyond all those jumpy judgements and cheerless chores and sad secrets, and for a moment so fleeting I never remember it, I pray I will be good enough.

Then, every morning just before I begin in earnest, just before I take my place and deliver my hopeful goods, I pause, place my right index finger on the shower door, and I make a peace sign. First I make the circle, then the up and down line that separates the parts and joins the whole, and then the slants, first left, then right.
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Every day, every single day, that peace sign is my consistency, this personal act of hope and penance that pushes me forth, now scrubbed clean, open to fly and fall all over again.

28 comments:

  1. I absolutely love that. Mind if I borrow your tradition for my new home?

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  2. Can I borrow your shower KJ? I'm lucky to glide from one end of the droplets to the other which includes all things girly including shampoo of extra long hair *gasp* between others stealing hot water or bashing down the door because they need a shower! It also takes five minutes for the temperature to be just right and they NEVER replace the soap!!!!!

    Great piece of writing :)

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  3. cs, my distinct pleasure if you take this tradition for your own. thank you.

    anon, oh yes, how well i remember. now i can finally take a shower in peace. your day will come. in the meantime, could you hide some soap for yourself? oh, and thank you also.

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  4. Hide the soap? HAHHAHHAHAAAA I can't even hide chocolate in a locked safe KJ! Blah. Maybe if I disguise the soap as chocolate ... hmmm ...

    Pleasure :)

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  5. This is wonderful, KJ -- the steam and the peace sign on the door ... the cleansing and the sorrow and the hidden things, all pushing the narrator out into the day. I can almost feel the cool, refreshing air outside the shower as the narrator steps out into the world. Awesome piece! So often a shower like this can be almost sacred.

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  6. Can you take my showers for me?

    I think this is my favorite of all posts so far. It is sweet but sad yet hopeful. I really love this. Like what Melissa said, it is a sacred rite, like a prayer.

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  7. anon, in the cabinet disquise the chocolate as soap and in the shower disguise the soap as chocolate. however, it sounds like you haven't a chance! maybe you should meet lavender at a weekend spa...

    :)

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  8. melissa, i love how you interpret my writing. thank you.

    ces, thank you so much. i consider this quite a compliment from you.

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  9. What a wonderful idea!
    I think I will enjoy my shower even more tomorrow!

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  10. I love this post, it's relaxing, calming, soothing, and the little daily peace affirmation is so simple yet so nourishing to your soul.

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  11. Hmmm, I think I should try this. I also think it will take some time to learn to slow down and take the time - its almost scary. Thanks KJ for sharing this, its got me thinking....

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  12. How fabulous and synchronistic! I was just thinking everything was perspective--would I move forward or let my thoughts stop me.

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  13. rm, even the fastest rituals seems to soothe..

    lavender, i'm always wondering, 'what do people think about in the shower? when they drive? etc". i'm thinking all the time. maybe i'm not normal!

    designing fairy, thank you for visiting! i try not to let my thoughts stop me, but i like it when i can stop them!

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  14. I used to love to bathe, still do but since moving into this tiny apartment a few years ago I find bathing exhausting. There is no air circulation in my bathroom, even with the door open, and it is suffocating. I want a swimming pool!

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  15. Are you done with your shower yet? If you are come over to my place and check out what I have for you.

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  16. And it's your world in the drops of water, it's your world still when you come out.

    Keep inspiring and the wind will keep carrying your stories further and further.

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  17. I love the shower. Since my foot surgery, I've been taking a "sit down" shower and I love it even more. My showers last forever!

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  18. peace, everyday, you can't get better than that! Priceless!

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  19. This has been a very long shower. You must have a high water bill :-)

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  20. Now we know who isn't helping the drought hehhheeee. ...

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  21. You are already very clean. When are you coming out of that shower? Your skin is going to get waterlogged!

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  22. KJ will look like a PRUNE!!!!

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  23. That would be a sight to see! Hahahaha!!!!

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  24. Do you think KJ will show her wrinkly self or she will just pull the plug on us Ces?
    Hhehhehheee ...

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  25. poor kj. she has had a bit of a waterlogged challenge here and there, but of course she is now squeaky clean and perhaps again prepared to shower her two cents into the drizzles and drains of life. (ohmygod, WHO wrote this sap??)

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  26. I don't know. Maybe she will talk about blow-drying her hair next or how she settled her water bill! Hehehe!

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  27. Oh lookie! she wrote her comments at the same time!!!! She smells like ginger and strawberries.

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  28. ginger and strawberries? how about garlic and spaghetti?

    :)

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