Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Easy People

"Haven't I paid my dues by now, haven't I paid my dues by now, haven't I paid my dues by now, don't I get the right to choose?

I want easy people from now on"
Written by Nerissa Nields

This song got me thinking. I've never been closer to clearing out the clatter and clutter in my life and being surrounded by easy wonderful funny and kind people. And yet...

I've come to believe "And yet..." may be a human condition, not just my own enigmatic journey which, by the way, I expect to be challenged and/or criticized by some as being far too self-indulgent for a person as blessed as I am. All I can say to that is sometimes the direction manual gets lost.
Don't bother looking for the mystery in the following poem. It's simply about hide and seek and lost and found. If it strikes you as somewhat depressing, or whatever else, may I add that I have no intention of running away from any of it. The stakes are too high for me. It's my life and I'm sticking to it....

What will it take
for me to see
that I'm not you
and just can't be?

You're fine when I'm not,
I understand that,
But it's a achy confusion
that's under my hat.

I'm sifting and shredding
The truth and the lie.
I get stuck in the sandbox
instead of the sky

I wish I could say
the end is alright
But lately I'm grateful
just to show up tonight.

It's odd since I'm prone
To see starfish by day
It's not that I'm trying
To have it my way.

I want seashells in Spring
And fires in Fall
I want pearls on my shoulder
When I’m feeling this small.

I want grace and gravity
and a night underground
I wish those strong arms
Could wrap me around.

I want faith bursting forth
like a paper thin beam.
I’m crazy to wonder
If there's a rip at the seam.

I'm too experienced
To get lost on a lark,
But awakened and stirred
My heart's in the dark.

A corner is missing
It's chilled to the bone
Must I forfeit best wishes
And shut down to atone?

Say yes and I'll fight you
Say no and I'll hide
It's a curious burden,
this landscape inside.

I believe in this path
I believe it's all fine
I just wish I were better
at drawing a line.

Some chilly mornings
My eyes lose their sight
and I find myself fighting
With a terrible might.

Don't bother to tell me
to take a step back
I'm holding on to my ticket
on this one-way track.

I’m full and I'm empty
I'm brave and I'm weak
I can show you devotion
If it's virtue you seek.

My trip is quite far.
The end's no straight line.
Still, I'll carry the sticks.
I've made up my mind.

Seven years later
Perhaps I'll look back
and measure my choices
by what I still lack.

These arms circle tightly
Around the core of it all
You can watch me soar proudly,
Watch me pray when I fall.

I'll stand firm while I falter
I'll whimper and cry,
But it’s far far better
Then failing to try.


  1. You had me in stiches with your expression "I'm glad we're on firt name basis".
    Really funny.
    I really admire how you can write such a long poem that actually makes sense and that is fun to read. Normally I don't read poetry. Or maybe it is just old age racing to meet me :-)
    Or maybe I have just started to look for deeper things.
    I don't know. I'm leaving for the Belgian International Badminton Championships, I'll find time to have a good think about this.
    But firstly I will just crash in the train, I didn't get 4 hours of sleep last night.
    Have fun!

  2. peter! enjoy your train ride, then the championships. it means alot that you take the time to read my words. i thank you. i'm looking deeper for sure.... :)

  3. totally lovely! dropping by also to say thank you and wish you success! ~s.

  4. This poem is a delight but please don't sell yourself short, kj. You are one of the most thankful people I know and though I know you're blessed with good things now, and though you don't advertise the hard times, I know you've been through them. Some people find it hard to recognise and enjoy what they have. You don't and that's a good thing.

  5. It's not the frequency of the visit, but the genuine pleasure of being here that counts. You're a quality friend, KJ. x

  6. I agree "And yet" is a human condition, but Im still looking for the "why" that is so...these beautiful great big brains of ours should have the power to temper our emotions, and yet it seems we actually have a limited capacity to do so....
    Even when we have all that we need, and (most of) what we want, there is always that something else missing. Its got to be one of the penalties of being big brained!

  7. she, thank you also. i hope we visit again.

    andrea, i appreciate your words. you're right.

    sidney, you make me think every day.

    lavender, sometimes i don't want to temper my emotions. i want to feel every fiber. the truth is i may not have as much choice about it as i think i do. and some people and things are so precious the loss overshadows and takes hostage that beautiful brain of mine.

  8. I love when you post your poetry! And the closer we get to October the better I can hear you reading them. :) And I loved, loved, loved the bits you wrote about your mom. Fantastic!

  9. Simply marvelous - you and your poetry.

    ...but I always believe, the mind is powerful and can temper emotions by rationalizing and oftentimes is able to make acceptable what could otherwise be an undesirable or mediocre situation.

  10. melissa, oooh, october. yes.

    ces,thank you. i may misinterpret, but i honestly don't think i have the ability to rationalize very well.

    "acceptance", for me, whether voluntary or imposed, seems to bypass my mind and comes from a different place altogether within me. i may just be a very odd person...

  11. KJ, You have the desire to live your life fully and feel every emotion. When we do this, our highs are higher, but our lows are lower, all things feel amplified when absolutely felt. There is safety in staying in the middle, but you know the middle is no place for women like us. If your squelch knob is missing, or you simply choose not to use it, your sincere connection to life is in tact, and those who love you understand. You are well practiced at feeling your life, and tempering it with humor.
    Rock on! Love your poem.

  12. tracy, wow. you have written me the wise most timely message imaginable. i am indebted to you. i will remember your words for many years.