Thursday, April 05, 2007

Emily Speaks

Note: Through the Easter weekend, Emily Rabbit will be a guest blogger. She has promised to avoid swear words that begin with "S" or "F". She has also promised not to solicit money. If she should do either of these things, please accept my apologies in advance. Emily is a friend of JB's and does not listen to my advice, instructions, or threats.

My Name is Emily Rabbit. I might be around eight or eleven years old. I have four birthdays--February, April, July, and September or October. I should get four presents but I don't. JB says that animals only have one birthday. How would she know?

It is not easy for a rabbit to be friends with a person. For one thing, neither understands the others interest in, for example, carrots or money.

For another thing, my mother does not think it is a good idea. Sometimes I call my mother and tell her that jb is sick and needs my help. I have to do this because JB refuses to call my mother and lie so I can miss school.

JB is not at all like a rabbit. She is too interested in buying clothes and going to movies and driving a red car with a hole in the roof. I have to find ways to get money from her so I can buy jellybeans. She is presently giving me an allowance every Sunday. If she forgets, I add at least
$ 5.00 in interest. I may tell you more about that later.

kj is paying me $ 10.00 to write on her blog until Sunday, maybe even until Monday (that would be an extra $3.00). Today I will tell you how to be friends:

This is how rabbits are friends.

First they sniff eachother everywhere.

Then they touch noses.

Then they roll down a hill together or run into a green or brown field.

Then sometimes when they get tired, they curl up together and sleep until they wake up.

It's too bad that people are not willing to sniff before they decide to be friends. I think it would solve alot of problems....

If you leave a comment, please do not be rude. You should talk about me, not about yourself. Afterall, I am writing as a favor. I really should be paid more money to do this. If you want to know anything about rabbits, or how to get away with things, you can ask me.


Emily Rabbit


  1. Emily, I love you! I laughed through this whole post. You got some sass goin' on and I really enjoyed reading your take on things. I hope you come back often! Happy Easter -- I told my little girls that if they're not good the Easter Bunny will fill their baskets with multi-colored rabbit turds. I think it's keeping them in line ...

  2. Hah! you write pretty well for a rabbit. You are very funny and interesting. I will enjoy your company. I love rabbits. Some mean and obnoxious men always talk about having rabbit stew for dinner around me. My mistress shrugs it off. She just says "Yeah right!" I love your collar, although, why is it so low? Won't you have a hard time hopping with that collar so low on your chest? How much money have you collected? What are you going to do with your money? Rabbits can't spend money. Also you will get sick if you continue eating jellybeans. You are a lagomorph and lagomorphs should not eat people food. You should be a vegetarian. Does your mother serve you Romaine lettuce? No not the cheap iceberg lettuce. Does she serve you yogurt chips and do you have many toys?

  3. dear melissa, would you be interested in more of those multi-colored rabbit turds? i could sell you a supply for a very inexpensive price and then you could color them and sell them to make your money back. let me know if you want to.

    snowflake, rabbit stew! you should not be around people or jokes like that. it is not right. i think you should put rabbit pellets in their beer.

    snowflake, that "collar" you refer to is my bikini top. i have polka dot bottoms too but i only where them sometime. i also have several pairs of underpants in different colors, some with polka dots.

    who is telling you about jellybeans? don't believe them. i have been eating jellybeans all my life. if i am a lagamorph, some else is a b----. (I'm not supposed to swear the "s" or "f" words.).

    last snowflake, i eat lettuce and carrots and radishes and jellybeans. i love money and spend it all the time. you should too. i will take you out with me sometime if you want. i think you are too sheltered. whoever you live with should help you liven up. don't be too nice. it will only cause you disappointment. instead, complain and cry like me.

  4. KJ...because I think you are a nice person I offer some advice: do not visit Hom Escapeons' current blog.If the subject is Pee=mc2, don't look!

  5. i need to know how to get away with things that people consider to be naughty.personally, i do not think such things are naughty, but as i'm a cat...

  6. dinahmow, you obviously know about my adversion to bodily fluids. he's latest post absolutely meets my criteria for cringing. thank you for the warning, although you know I had to pee(k). :)

  7. josh, what naughty things do you have in mind? i can help with:
    --hoarding good food
    --stealing money
    --sneaking out at night
    --peeing without getting in trouble
    --going on family vacations
    --getting your way by whining
    --blaming someone else to stay out of trouble
    --plus alot of other things.


  8. Rabbit pellets on their beer! That is wicked funny!

  9. OK.
    The workflow for when rabbits meet is rather interesting.
    I'm willing to give it a go, only if we add an extra line at the beginning: both humans first take a shower. I mean, I don't want to smell, let alone sniff, an unclean rabbit, and I really don't want to sniff an unclean human.

    One more thing, Emily, money isn't that important, you know. I bet if you had tons of it, you couldn't go to the supermaket to buy carrots. I think that to a rabbit carrots are more important.

  10. Pardon me for mistaking your bikini bra for a collar. Where is the bikini bottom?

  11. I am tempted to introduce you to someone who's got a thing or two about rabbits, Glenn Close.
    But I won't because KJ might get a bit jealous...

  12. mr. coffee cream: i am not allowed to say the "f" word in this blog but i might since you brought this up. glenn close made me cry for weeks. i made jb cry in sympathy. kj did not cry because she was away on a business trip.

    i am going to write about jb's nephew what he did to his imaginary friend.